Most grandparents don’t need to be told that time with the grandkids matters. What’s harder to see is why the visits happen less often than you’d like.
Sometimes the reason is simple: distance, work schedules, nap times, a calendar full of soccer practice and birthday parties. But often there’s a quieter reason too. Coming over takes energy, and parents of young children have very little of it to spare. A visit that feels restful is easier to say yes to than one that leaves everyone worn out.
Disagreements about parenting can also affect how much time families spend together. In a C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health, 43% of parents whose children see their grandparents said they’d had major or minor disagreements with a grandparent about their parenting choices, and 15% said they limit how much time their child spends with some grandparents. When grandparents refused a request to respect the parents’ rules, that figure jumped to 42%.
The Artful Parent
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Missing your grandchildren can hurt, even when you understand how busy their parents are. These nine suggestions focus on the parts of a visit you can influence: the preparation, the welcome, and the amount of work left for the parents. They cannot solve distance or a difficult family history, but they offer somewhere practical to begin.
1. Ask how they want things done, then actually do it that way
Bedtimes, snacks, screen time, car seats. These are the things parents and grandparents most often clash over. In the Mott poll, discipline (57%), meals and snacks (44%) and TV and screen time (36%) topped the list.
You may have raised your children with different rules. Following the parents’ choices now helps them know what to expect when their children visit. Your child is the parent now, and when you follow their rules without fuss, you’re telling them they can relax at your house.
A simple question goes a long way: “Is there anything you’d like me to do differently when the kids are here?” Then follow through. Saying yes isn’t enough on its own. In the Mott poll, 32% of parents limited time with a grandparent who agreed to change but didn’t, compared with just 6% of parents who never felt the need to ask.
If you’ve brushed off a request before, acknowledge the specific thing: “You asked me not to give them sweets before dinner, and I did. I’ll check with you next time.” Then follow through without asking them to reassure you or immediately arrange another visit.
A treat now and then is part of being a grandparent. Just check first, and don’t make it a secret.
2. Hold back the advice unless they ask for it
When you’ve been through the sleepless nights and the toddler tantrums, it’s natural to want to help with what you learned. But unsolicited advice usually lands as criticism, especially when a parent is tired and already doubting themselves.
Try this instead. When your son or daughter tells you about a struggle, ask, “Do you want ideas, or did you just need to get that off your chest?” Then let their answer guide you. If they just needed to talk, listen without fixing. If they want ideas, offer one or two and leave the decision with them.
A specific acknowledgment can be warmer than advice: “You noticed she needed a quieter room. Would you like me to turn the TV off?”
3. Make your home easy for little kids
If every visit involves watching a toddler like a hawk around glass ornaments, steep stairs and the good couch, parents leave exhausted. A few small changes make your place somewhere they can actually sit down:
- Move breakables up high or into a cupboard while the kids are small.
- Keep a small basket of toys and books that only comes out at your house.
- Have a step stool, a plastic cup or two, and a few snacks the parents approve of.
- Lock away medicines. A University of Michigan National Poll on Healthy Aging found more than 80% of grandparents kept their medicines in the usual place when grandchildren visited, and only 5% routinely kept them locked away.
A simple drawing activity gives you something to do together. Keep the setup and cleanup manageable enough that you can handle them yourself. Set out paper and age-appropriate crayons on a surface you’re comfortable having children use. Ask their parents what materials suit them. Let the child decide what to draw, whether to show anyone, and when they’ve finished. Their parents shouldn’t have to direct the activity or restore the room afterward.
Small preparations like these tell parents the kids are welcome, mess and all.
4. Offer help that lightens their load, and that you can keep giving
The visits families keep coming back for are the ones where the parents get a break. Think about what would genuinely make their week easier, then offer that specifically.
“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it puts the work back on them. “Can I take the kids to the park Saturday morning so you two can sleep in?” is much easier to say yes to. So is dropping off a meal, doing a school pickup, or folding a load of laundry while you chat.
Offer something you can comfortably keep doing. If an afternoon alone with a toddler is too much, suggest a shorter visit with their parent there. You can say, “I can read with her while you have your coffee, but I can’t manage lifting her.” Be clear about what you can offer. Help that fits your energy is more reliable than help you’ll later have to take back.
5. Agree on a rhythm that works for both of you
Busy families run on routine, so a regular plan is often easier to fit in than a string of one-off requests. The key is to work it out together rather than announce it.
You might ask, “Would a Sunday morning every couple of weeks suit you? If you let us know by Friday, we’ll have pancakes ready.” That gives them something predictable to plan around and gives you a fair heads-up. Keeping every Sunday morning free without knowing who’s coming can leave you waiting, cooking for no one, or quietly disappointed, and that isn’t good for anyone.
If the rhythm stops working, for them or for you, say so and adjust it. A plan you both chose is easier to change without hurt feelings.
Keep visits shorter than you’d ideally like, especially with babies and toddlers. Two happy hours that end before the meltdown beat five hours that end in tears. And when they need to leave, let them go with a smile and a “This was lovely.”
6. Drop the guilt and the scorekeeping
“We never see you anymore.” “Your sister brings her kids over every week.” Comments like these are usually meant as a sign of love, but they rarely bring anyone closer. They tend to make the next visit feel like an obligation, and obligations are the first thing to go when life gets busy.
If you miss them, say that plainly and warmly: “We loved having you last week. The house felt so happy.” It names the feeling without making anyone feel accused.
7. Go to them sometimes
Packing up small children, their bags, snacks and car seats is a real job. Offering to come to them, or to meet at a park, library or café near their home, takes that effort off their plate.
When you visit, be an easy guest. Fit around nap times, bring something useful, and pitch in where you can. Seeing the kids in their own space also helps you understand their routines, which makes it easier to follow them when they come to you.
8. Build your own bond with the grandkids between visits
Your relationship with your grandchildren can grow between visits through small exchanges that fit around the family’s routine.
A short video call where you read a picture book, a postcard in the mail, or a drawing you start and they finish can all keep you present in a child’s week. In AARP’s survey of nearly 3,300 grandparents, conducted in 2025 and published in 2026, researchers found that 76% say texting, video calls, photo apps and similar tools are a primary way they stay connected.
Keep it light and short with little ones. Five minutes of silly faces on a screen is plenty for a three-year-old. Ask their parents what times suit, and don’t take it personally if a call gets cut short by a tantrum or a lost toy.
9. Be fair to everyone: their partner, the other grandparents and every grandchild
Your adult child’s partner has a big say in where the family spends its weekends. If they feel truly welcome at your home, visits happen more naturally. If they feel tolerated or criticized, it’s understandable if they’d rather spend that time elsewhere.
The same goes for the other side of the family. Competing with the other grandparents over holidays or gifts puts your child in the middle. Being generous about shared time makes you the easy option, not the difficult one.
And watch for favoritism between grandchildren. Treating some grandchildren differently from others was a point of conflict for 22% of the parents in the Mott poll who reported disagreements. Children notice these things, and so do their parents.
A practical next step
Before the next visit, ask one question: “What would make coming over easier?” Listen before offering solutions. If they mention lunch, timing, or having nowhere to change the baby, choose one thing you can sort out before they arrive.