Your granddaughter is at your kitchen table, halfway through a bowl of ice cream. Her mom said one scoop. This is the second.
“Don’t tell your mom,” you say, and she grins.
The extra scoop is a small thing. Asking her to hide it puts her in the middle.
The Artful Parent
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Grandparents get to be a softer place to land, with different rules, more time, and fewer worries about bedtime. That’s part of what makes the relationship special.
But there’s a balance. You have your own place in the family, and the parents still get to make the parenting decisions. The habits below are ones many grandparents work to avoid. Nobody gets all of them right all the time. What matters is noticing when you slip, and making it right.
1. Overruling the parents in front of the kids
The second scoop is a small example. A bigger one: your grandson says his dad won’t let him watch a certain movie, and you put it on anyway.
Your house can have some of its own rules, especially if the parents are comfortable with that. But when a grandparent contradicts a parent’s decision in front of the children, it can make the parent’s job harder long after you’ve gone home.
If you disagree with a rule, say so to the parents, privately. “Can we talk about the screen time rules at my house?” opens a conversation. Quietly ignoring the rule closes one.
2. Criticizing their parents in front of them
“Your mom is so strict.” “Your dad never used to talk back like that.”
A passing comment can feel like a joke between you and your grandchild. But kids hear it, and they repeat it, often at the worst possible moment.
You may have real concerns about how your children are parenting. Those belong in a conversation with the adults, not in an aside to the kids.
3. Asking them to keep secrets that matter
A birthday present is a surprise, and keeping it quiet is part of the fun. “Don’t tell your mom” about a second scoop of ice cream is different.
The difference is whether the secret hides something the parents would want to know. Asking a child to keep that kind of secret puts them in an uncomfortable spot, between two people they love.
A simple rule of thumb: if you’d be uneasy about the parents finding out, it probably isn’t a secret a child should be asked to keep.
4. Treating safety instructions as optional
Some advice has changed since many grandparents were raising babies. Safe sleep is one example. The American Academy of Pediatrics now recommends placing babies on their backs to sleep, on a firm, flat surface, without blankets, pillows, or bumpers.
Before you babysit, it helps to ask: “Can you show me where she naps and walk me through what you do?”
The same goes for car seats, including on a five-minute drive, and for allergy rules and which foods are okay for which ages. “We did it differently and you turned out fine” may be true. It still isn’t a reason to skip what the parents have asked.
If something seems unnecessary, ask why. You might learn something new. And if you still disagree, follow their instructions while the kids are in your care.
5. Comparing grandchildren
“Your cousin was reading by the time she was four.” “Your brother never made this much fuss about vegetables.”
Comparisons can slip out as observations, or even as encouragement. To the child hearing them, they can sound like a ranking.
Each grandchild is their own person, with their own pace. Talk to each one about who they are, not how they measure up to the others.
6. Keeping score with the other grandparents
The other side of the family took the kids to the beach for a week. They bought the bigger present. They got Christmas morning this year.
It’s natural to notice, and sometimes to feel a pang. But turning time with grandchildren into a competition puts the parents in the middle, juggling everyone’s feelings during an already busy season.
The kids don’t need you to win. They need you to show up for the time you do have, whether that’s a week at the beach or a Tuesday afternoon at the park.
7. Assuming you’re always welcome
You’re driving past their house and decide to stop in. Or the new baby has arrived, and you’re on the doorstep the next morning with a casserole.
Even in close families, an unexpected visit can catch parents at a bad moment: a toddler mid-nap, a sleepless night, a house they’d rather you didn’t see. A quick text first, “I’m nearby, is now a good time?”, gives them a real choice.
With a new baby especially, let the parents set the pace. The casserole will keep.
8. Making grandchildren feel guilty about visits
“You never come to see Grandma anymore.” “I guess you’re too busy for us now.”
Said to an eight-year-old, it puts the weight of an adult schedule on a child who has very little say in it. Said to a teenager, it can make the next visit feel like an obligation instead of something they want to do.
If you’d like to see them more, talk to the parents about it. And when the grandkids do visit, let them hear how glad you are that they’re there, not how long it’s been.
If you’ve slipped
Back to the ice cream. Before her mom arrives, you sit down next to your granddaughter: “I shouldn’t have asked you to keep that from Mom. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll tell her.”
Then you do: “I gave her a second scoop and asked her not to tell you. That wasn’t fair to her, and I’m sorry.” Her mom may laugh it off, or she may not. Either way, your granddaughter isn’t left holding the secret.
Most grandparents will recognize a few of these habits. When you do, try one question for the parents, asked when the kids aren’t around: “Is there anything you’d like me to do differently when I have them, or anything you’d like me to keep doing?” Then listen to the answer, even the parts that are hard to hear.