Resilience can be difficult to recognize while you’re living through something hard. You might still feel angry, frightened, exhausted, or unsure what comes next. Adapting can involve asking for help, changing a plan, or managing one necessary task.
The American Psychological Association describes resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, and notes that being resilient doesn’t mean a person won’t experience difficulty or distress. In fact, it says the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress. The APA also emphasizes connecting with supportive people and accepting help from those who care about you.
These seven approaches offer things to practice, rather than a test of how strong you are.
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1. They acknowledge what they’re feeling
Resilience doesn’t require staying calm or handling feelings alone. It can start with simply naming what’s going on.
A situation: A family member gets a difficult diagnosis, and you’re trying to keep everything running.
A possible next step: Tell someone you trust: “I’m really scared about Dad, and I don’t need advice right now. Could you just sit with me for a bit?” Asking for time or company is part of coping, not a failure of it.
2. They reconsider a plan when circumstances change
When something goes wrong, adjusting the plan can be more useful than pushing through as if nothing has changed. You don’t have to see the setback as a hidden opportunity to adapt to it.
A situation: A job loss means the family budget no longer works.
A possible next step: Reduce one commitment or move one deadline: “We’ll skip the summer trip this year and look again in the spring.” Changing a plan isn’t giving up on it.
3. They choose one manageable priority
During a hard stretch, it can help to narrow your focus. That doesn’t mean finding a life mission. It might just mean deciding what matters most this week.
A situation: You’re juggling work, a sick child and a pile of paperwork.
A possible next step: Pick one thing, such as booking the doctor’s appointment, and let some of the rest wait.
4. They ask for specific support
Asking for help can be hard, especially if you’re used to being the one who copes. A specific request is often easier for others to say yes to.
A situation: You’ve been covering everything alone and you’re running out of energy.
A possible next step: “Could you collect the kids on Thursday?” or “Could you drop dinner over this weekend?” is more useful than “Let me know if you can help.”
5. They separate what they can do from what they need help with
Money, health, caregiving responsibilities and the support around you all shape what’s possible. Two people facing the same problem may have very different options.
A situation: A housing problem, a legal issue or a long-term health condition feels too big to manage.
A possible next step: Write down which parts you can take on yourself, and which need outside help, such as a professional, a support service, a friend with relevant experience, or a relative who can share the load. Needing help with the second list says nothing about your strength.
6. They allow room for rest and recovery
Keeping things running isn’t the only worthwhile outcome. Rest, sleep and time to recover matter too, especially after a long period of stress.
A situation: A crisis has passed, but you feel flat and depleted.
A possible next step: Give yourself permission to do less for a while. Protect an early night, cancel a non-essential commitment, or ask someone to take one regular task off your plate.
You can wish something had never happened and still work toward making life more manageable. Finding meaning is an option, not an obligation.
7. They recognize reality while considering what needs to change
Acceptance can mean acknowledging how things are right now, without pretending otherwise. It doesn’t mean tolerating ongoing mistreatment or giving up on improving your circumstances.
A situation: A workplace or relationship keeps causing harm.
A possible next step: Acknowledge what’s happening, then consider what could change: raising it with someone, getting advice, setting a limit, or planning a way out over time.
If you’re struggling
The APA notes that it’s important to get professional help if you feel unable to function as well as you’d like, or to manage basic daily activities, after a traumatic or stressful experience. A doctor, counselor or psychologist can help you work out next steps.
Where to start
Choose one thing that would make the next few days more manageable. It might be asking for practical help, changing a plan, or making room to rest. You don’t need to prove that the experience has made you stronger.