A rainy Saturday in 1974. Your parents are out, your siblings are at a friend’s, and there’s nothing on but a fishing show. So you lie on the bedroom floor with a library book, then a pencil and paper, then just the ceiling, for hours.
If you grew up in the 1960s or 70s, long stretches like that may have been ordinary. There were no phones in pockets, no streaming, and often no adult checking in until dinner.
Resilience has many sources, and the adults in a child’s life are a big one. Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child notes that children who do well despite serious hardship have had at least one stable, committed relationship with a supportive adult. Nobody can trace resilience to a single cause. Time alone wasn’t good for every child, either. For some kids it was lonely, or a sign that no one was paying enough attention. But all those quiet hours did give plenty of practice at a few things that help people cope. Here are eight, and how to bring a little of each into life now.
The Artful Parent
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1. Sitting with your own thoughts
Lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, with nothing to scroll and no one to call. Your mind wandered, circled back, and eventually settled.
That’s harder than it sounds. In a 2014 study in Science, many participants didn’t enjoy spending 6 to 15 minutes alone with nothing to do but think, and in one experiment some chose to give themselves a mild electric shock rather than just sit. In a group of community volunteers aged 18 to 77, enjoyment of the exercise wasn’t linked to age.
These experiments explored brief periods alone with our thoughts. They don’t tell us whether an unsupervised childhood builds lifelong resilience. But they do show that plain thinking time can be uncomfortable, at any age.
Try it now: sit for ten minutes without your phone, on a porch or a park bench. Let your thoughts go where they want.
2. Calming down on your own
After a fight with your brother, you went to your room and slammed the door. An hour later, you came out feeling different, even if nobody had talked you through it.
Sometimes the feeling passed. Sometimes you simply learned to stop showing it. Looking back, it can help to ask whether you felt settled, or whether you still needed someone to listen.
Some quiet time alone can help settle strong feelings. A 2018 study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that time alone tended to reduce high-energy emotions, both good and bad, and that it was more likely to feel relaxing when people chose to be alone. Like the 2014 study, it looked at short stretches of solitude, not childhood.
Try it now: next time you’re upset, take a short walk alone before you respond. The point is to settle, not to stew.
3. Getting through disappointment without an audience
You didn’t make the team. There was no group chat to tell, no post to write. You sat with it, maybe cried a little, and by Monday it hurt a bit less.
Talking things through with people you trust is valuable, and many kids back then could have used more of it. But some disappointments were worked through alone first, and that could build a quiet sense that bad days end.
Not every disappointment fades on its own, though. Some that were never talked about can still sting decades later. If one comes to mind, it isn’t too late to tell someone you trust about it.
Try it now: when something goes wrong, give yourself a little time before sharing it widely. Then talk to one person who’ll really listen.
4. Building a rich inner world
Library books read under the covers. A radio drama in the dark. Whole imaginary towns drawn on the back of a cereal box.
Long, unstructured hours gave imagination room to grow. Daydreaming, reading, and making up stories are ways of entertaining yourself that don’t need anyone else.
Try it now: pick up a sketchbook or a novel and give it a full hour, no screen nearby. With grandchildren, a blank page and a box of crayons can start the same habit.
5. Finding interests that were just yours
The stamp collection. The model airplanes. The rock tumbler that ran in the garage for weeks. Nobody gave you a ribbon for any of it.
Interests that grow in private aren’t shaped by an audience. You liked them because you liked them, and that can be a steady part of who you are when other things change.
Try it now: think back to something you loved doing alone as a kid. Is there a grown-up version you could pick up again?
6. Figuring things out before asking
A word you didn’t know meant the dictionary. A broken toy meant taking it apart on the kitchen floor. There often wasn’t anyone around to ask.
Having to try first, and sometimes fail first, builds a certain patience with problems. It doesn’t mean never asking for help. It means trusting that you can make a start.
Try it now: next time something’s confusing, try one manageable step, then decide whether instructions or another person would help. With kids, try “What do you think you could try first?”
7. Not needing to be reachable
You went out on your bike in the morning and nobody could reach you until you came home. Your parents didn’t know exactly where you were, and you didn’t know what they were doing either.
Being out of contact was simply normal then. Today, if an unanswered message unsettles you, try giving it a little space before sending another. Someone can care about you and still be busy.
Try it now: leave your phone at home for a short walk, or turn off notifications for an afternoon. Notice how it feels when the world keeps turning without you checking.
8. Enjoying your own company
Eating a sandwich alone on the back step. Walking to the store by yourself. Plenty of kids learned that being alone wasn’t the same as being left out. For others, those hours did feel lonely, and both memories can be true.
That’s a useful skill later in life, especially through retirement, a move, or the loss of a partner. People who are comfortable alone can still feel lonely, but they may have more ways to fill their time.
Try it now: take yourself somewhere on purpose. A matinee, a museum, a coffee with a book. Go because you’d enjoy it, not because no one was free.
Solitude isn’t the same as loneliness
Choosing time alone can be restful. Feeling cut off from people is something else, and it deserves attention. If quiet days have started to feel lonely, call someone, join something, or say yes to the next invitation.
And if you have grandchildren, give them a little of what you had: an unscheduled afternoon, a stack of library books, and permission to be bored for a while. They may surprise you with what they come up with.