Many adults can describe the house they grew up in with a single word: strict. Bedtimes were non-negotiable, talking back was unthinkable, and mistakes were met with a raised voice, a smack or a long silence. Some look back and say it never did them any harm. Others recognize echoes of it in how they feel and behave decades later.
Both reactions are understandable. But a large body of research suggests that certain kinds of strictness, particularly harsh punishment and control through fear or shame, are linked to a recognizable set of patterns in adulthood. Knowing about them can help adults understand themselves, and help parents today decide what kind of firmness they want to bring to their own homes.
One important caution first. These are tendencies found across large groups of people, not a description of any individual. Plenty of people raised in strict homes are thriving, and many factors shape who we become.
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Strict isn’t the same as harsh
Psychologists have long distinguished between two kinds of parents who both set firm rules. In the framework developed by psychologist Diana Baumrind, “authoritarian” parents demand obedience, enforce rules through threats, punishment or shaming, and offer little warmth or explanation. “Authoritative” parents also set and enforce limits, but they are warm, explain their reasons and invite questions, according to a research review by Parenting Science.
That distinction matters, because the research tends to flag the harshness rather than the rules. In a large meta-analysis of more than 1,400 studies, psychologist Martin Pinquart found that harsh discipline and psychological control were the strongest predictors of children’s behavior problems getting worse over time. A child can grow up with clear boundaries and high expectations and still feel safe, loved and heard.
What five decades of research found about spanking
Physical punishment is often part of a very strict upbringing, and it has been studied more than almost any other parenting practice. In 2016, Elizabeth Gershoff of the University of Texas at Austin and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor of the University of Michigan published a meta-analysis in the Journal of Family Psychology that pooled about 50 years of research involving more than 160,000 children. They defined spanking as an open-handed hit on the behind or limbs, not as abuse.
Spanking was linked to 13 of the 17 outcomes they examined, all in a harmful direction, including more defiance, aggression, antisocial behavior, mental health problems and cognitive difficulties. It was not linked to better compliance, either immediately or in the long run. And adults who had been spanked more as children were more likely to show antisocial behavior and mental health problems, and more likely to support physical punishment for their own children.
“Spanking thus does the opposite of what parents usually want it to do,” Grogan-Kaylor said.
Patterns research links to very strict upbringings
Drawing on that and other research, here are some of the patterns that tend to show up more often in adults raised in harsh, highly controlling homes.
1. A loud inner critic
When expectations are high and criticism is frequent, children can learn to turn that voice on themselves. In two meta-analyses published in Psychological Bulletin in 2022, covering more than 20,000 college students in the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom, Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill found that students who felt their parents had high expectations and were critical tended to be more perfectionistic, especially in feeling that others demanded perfection of them. The research is correlational, but the link was consistent.
2. A habit of hiding mistakes
When getting caught means harsh punishment, children learn not to get caught. In a 2011 study in Child Development, Victoria Talwar and Kang Lee compared 3- and 4-year-olds at two West African schools, one where teachers routinely beat, slapped and pinched children and one that used time-outs and scolding. When children who had peeked at a hidden toy were asked about it, nearly all of those from the punitive school lied, compared with about half from the other school, and they kept up their lies more skillfully. “Lying seems particularly adaptive for the situation,” Lee said. The study involved young children, not adults, but it shows how early the habit of concealment can take root.
3. More anxiety and low mood
The spanking meta-analysis found links with mental health problems both in childhood and in adulthood. The Parenting Science review also describes studies in several countries linking authoritarian parenting with anxiety, depression and lower life satisfaction later on, including a Spanish study in which adults raised this way reported less happiness.
4. Anger, defiance or trouble with authority
Harsh control is meant to produce obedience, yet the research often finds the opposite. The Pinquart meta-analysis found harsh discipline predicted worsening behavior problems, and the Parenting Science review describes a study in which teenagers with more authoritarian parents were more likely over time to reject their parents’ authority and to get into trouble. For some adults, that shows up as quick anger, or difficulty with bosses and rules.
5. Repeating the pattern
Perhaps the most important finding for parents: adults who were spanked more as children were more likely to support physical punishment themselves, according to Gershoff and Grogan-Kaylor. Many of us parent the way we were parented, unless we make a conscious choice to do otherwise.
Culture and context matter
The research isn’t identical everywhere. Pinquart and a colleague, reviewing more than 425 studies from around the world, found that authoritarian parenting was associated with at least one negative outcome in every region, according to the Parenting Science review. But some effects were weaker where strict parenting is the cultural norm, and some studies of Chinese families found authoritarian parenting alongside high achievement. One researcher has argued that this may be because those parents were also especially close to their children.
It isn’t destiny
For adults who recognize themselves here, the research offers understanding, not blame. Our parents usually did what they believed was right, often repeating what was done to them. And patterns learned in childhood can change. Noticing a harsh inner voice, practicing self-compassion, talking things through with a partner or friend, or working with a counselor can all help.
For parents today, the message is encouraging. You don’t have to choose between being firm and being kind. Clear rules, explained calmly, enforced consistently and delivered with warmth give children both structure and safety. That combination is what psychologists mean by authoritative parenting: high standards, held with warmth.