Your friend from book club got engaged last month. You found out at book club, over lemon bars, when she held out her hand. There was no announcement post, no ring close-up, no tagged photo from the restaurant. Her account is set to private, and most weeks she posts nothing at all.
Some people share their lives online happily and often, and for plenty of families that’s how grandparents far away get to watch the kids grow up. There’s nothing wrong with it.
But some people keep things quieter. If you’re one of them, or you’d like to be, you may recognize a few of these habits.
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1. They check who can see their posts
They’ve been through the settings at least once, and they look again now and then. Their account is private, or their posts go to friends only, and their birthday and phone number aren’t on display.
The big platforms have tools for this. Meta’s privacy guide explains options like Facebook’s Privacy Checkup, which walks you through who can see your posts and profile details. Instagram also has a setting to make your account private.
If you haven’t looked in a while, set aside fifteen minutes this week. It’s a little like checking the locks before bed.
2. They tell the people who matter first
Back to the engagement at book club. Her parents heard it on the phone. Her best friend heard it over coffee. The rest of the world found out slowly, if at all.
Big news lands differently when it’s told, not broadcast. Hearing it from you, in person or on the phone, can mean a lot to the people closest to you.
If you do decide to post something big, try calling the important people first. Few people want to learn about a new grandchild from a newsfeed.
3. They ask themselves who a post is for
Before posting, they pause for a second. Is this for the people I love, or for an audience? Would I mind if my boss, my neighbor, or my teenager saw it?
That small pause doesn’t stop them sharing. It just means what they share is chosen, not automatic.
A simple question helps: who will see this, and is it mine to share? A grandparent can call to celebrate a new baby and still let the parents decide when the announcement goes online.
4. They live the moment before they post it
At their grandson’s birthday party, the phone stays in a pocket through the candles and the singing. They might take one photo afterward. Or none.
It’s easy to spend a special moment framing it for other people. Some private people simply prefer to be in it.
If you’d like to share, there’s no rush. A photo posted a week later, or sent only to the family group chat, can carry the same warmth.
5. They tidy up their friends list now and then
The coworker from three jobs ago. The person they met once at a wedding in 2014. The account with no photo and a name they don’t recognize.
Over time, a friends list can drift far from the people you’d actually share your life with. Some private people notice that and quietly trim it.
Once a year, scroll through and ask: would I show this person my vacation photos in person? If not, it’s okay to remove them. Many people won’t notice.
6. They keep a record somewhere else
A shoebox of printed photos. A family journal on the kitchen shelf. A shared album only the grandparents can see.
Not posting doesn’t mean not remembering. Many people who keep their accounts quiet still capture plenty. They just keep it closer to home.
This is a lovely one to try with kids. Print a handful of photos each month and let them help make a scrapbook, with drawings and captions in their own handwriting. It becomes a record they can hold, and one nobody else can scroll through.
7. They talk with their kids about it
When their 11-year-old asks for an account, they have a real conversation about what goes online and who can see it, and about age limits. Meta requires users to be at least 13 for Facebook and Instagram, and some countries set a higher minimum. In Australia, it’s 16. And when the kids are old enough, they ask before posting photos of them: “Is it okay if I share this one?”
Children can learn a lot about privacy by watching what the adults around them do. Asking first shows them that their image belongs to them, too.
Start small. Next time you take a photo of your child, ask, “Can I send this to Grandma?” And if they say no, take it in stride: “Okay, we’ll keep it for us.” That’s what makes the question count. It tells them their say matters.
Where to start
You don’t have to go silent or delete everything. Privacy can be as simple as a few settings and a few pauses.
This week, try one thing: run the privacy checkup, call someone before you post your news, or print a few photos for a scrapbook instead. Then notice how it feels to keep a little more of your life just for the people in it.