You’re halfway through a story at dinner when you notice your son-in-law glancing at his phone. Years ago, you might have wrapped it up in one sentence and spent the rest of the meal wondering whether you’d been boring.
This time, you finish the story. Your daughter laughs at the ending. Your son-in-law is still on his phone.
Wanting approval isn’t a flaw. Most of us care what the people around us think, and that’s part of being close to anyone. What can change, usually slowly and never completely, is how much that approval gets to steer what you say and do.
The Artful Parent
Family-life ideas and sharp reads, in your inbox.
Here are eight places you might notice it.
1. You say “thank you” and stop there
Someone at the farmers market says she likes your coat.
The old reply was already loading: it was on sale, it’s older than it looks, you almost didn’t buy it. All the ways of explaining that you hadn’t been trying too hard.
Instead, you say, “Thank you. I love this coat.”
It feels slightly exposed, the first few times. A compliment you don’t deflect is one you’ve actually accepted.
2. “I don’t know what that is” comes out more easily
Your grandson mentions an app everyone at his school is using. Your friends at lunch are talking about a show you’ve never heard of.
There was a time you’d have nodded along and looked it up later, hoping no one noticed.
Now you ask. “What is that?” Your grandson explains it at length, with visible enthusiasm.
3. You can hold an opinion the room doesn’t share
At book club, everyone loved this month’s novel. When it’s your turn, you say you found it slow and didn’t believe the ending.
There’s a short pause. Someone says, “Oh, I thought the ending was the best part.”
You feel the pull to take it back, to say you probably missed something. You don’t. You say what bothered you about the ending, listen to why she liked it, and the conversation moves on.
Then someone points out a detail in the last chapter that you missed, and it does change how you see the ending a little. You can say so without pretending you loved the whole book. You still enjoy the evening.
4. You can use criticism without being flattened by it
You volunteered to write the community garden newsletter. The committee chair reads your draft and says it’s too long.
A few years ago, that might have stung for days. You might have apologized several times, rewritten the whole thing, or quietly decided never to volunteer for anything again.
This time you ask, “Which parts felt long?” She points to two paragraphs. You cut one. The other, about the new compost rules, stays, because you think people need it.
5. You don’t keep checking for a reaction
You send a photo to the family group chat: the first sweet peas of the season, finally in bloom.
An hour later, nobody has replied. Someone has posted a link about a sale on patio furniture.
You hoped someone would enjoy seeing them, and it’s a little disappointing when nobody responds. You check once or twice. But you don’t delete the photo, and you don’t decide you were foolish to send it.
6. You stop adding a justification to your choices
At a reunion, an old classmate asks what you’re doing these days.
You work three days a week at a garden center. You used to add a little explanation, so no one would think you’d fallen behind: it keeps you busy, it’s just for now, you’re really mostly retired.
This time you say, “I work at the garden center three days a week. I love it.”
He looks a bit surprised and says, “Huh. Good for you,” in a tone you can’t quite read. You let it be, and ask about his kids.
7. You can let someone be disappointed in you
Your sister wanted you to host Christmas this year. You told her you couldn’t, not with the kitchen half torn apart.
She’s disappointed, and she lets you know it. The call ends a little stiffly.
The old move would have been to fix it by giving in, offering to host after all, or sending a long message explaining yourself. You don’t. It isn’t comfortable. You care about her, and her disappointment matters to you.
A week later, you call to ask what you should bring for dessert. She’s still a little short with you. You talk about pie for ten minutes anyway.
8. You replay conversations a little less
You drive home from a dinner party. You talked a lot about your trip to Maine. Maybe too much.
There was a time that would have kept you up: replaying what you said, wondering what everyone thought, composing apologies no one had asked for.
Some nights it still does. But more often, you notice the replay starting and look at what’s actually there. Perhaps you did talk too long about Maine. You make a note to ask your hosts about their summer next time.
You don’t need to compose an apology for the whole evening.
Where to start
Pay attention to the moment you start adjusting for someone else’s reaction: the extra explanation, the half-retraction, the “but maybe I’m wrong” you don’t actually believe.
Before taking back what you said, ask yourself whether you’ve actually changed your mind or simply noticed someone disagree. You can listen to their answer without rushing to make yours match.