Imagine the grandchildren have just gone home. The place is a mess, a half-built Lego construction is in the middle of the living room and something very sticky is on the kitchen table. You finally sit down with a well-deserved cup of tea.
You remember something one of them said and smile. You are also pleased there is nobody asking you for anything.
That combination can be surprisingly difficult to admit. We talk quite freely about the joy of grandchildren. Saying we would sometimes like an afternoon to ourselves can feel more awkward, especially when our adult children are busy and we know how much our help means to them.
The Artful Parent
Family-life ideas and sharp reads, in your inbox.
Retirement adds another layer. We finally have more say over our time, but we may also be wondering where we belong now that work has finished. Grandparenting can bring affection and a welcome sense of being useful. It can also become the first commitment around which everything else is arranged.
How do we make room for this wonderful part of life while continuing to have a life of our own?
The joy is real, and so is the tiredness
A report from the Australian Institute of Family Studies, based on a 2021 survey, captures this mixture of feelings. Among respondents providing grandchild care, 97% said they enjoyed it, while nearly half found it tiring. The survey was not nationally representative and most respondents were grandmothers, but their responses give us a useful glimpse into everyday experience.
One grandmother, aged 74, put it this way:
“Although tiring, caring for our grandchildren is the most joyful and meaningful activity we have, the time we didn’t have as parents, we now have to care for and enjoy our grandchildren. We are also aware this is a window of opportunity of about five years in each child’s lives before they branch out into the wider world.”
Grandmother, aged 74
I find that a lovely observation. There can be something precious about having time with a child when the pressures of earning a living and raising our own family have reduced. We can spend time over a picture book or just sit and play with the children.
Her reference to five years is her own view of that early window, rather than a finding about how long grandparent relationships remain important. But I recognise the feeling behind it. These years will go quickly, and we want to enjoy them.
Wanting to make the most of that time can sit alongside needing rest. Both deserve a place in the conversation.
Having a choice changes how we experience caring
Psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci developed self-determination theory, a framework for understanding motivation and wellbeing. Their work identifies three psychological needs: autonomy, relatedness and competence. In everyday language, these involve feeling that our actions are willingly chosen, that we belong and matter to others, and that we are capable.
Autonomy can include freely choosing to devote a great deal of time to family. It concerns whether what we do feels consistent with our values and wishes.
Applied to grandparenting, this helps explain why similar arrangements might feel very different to different people. One grandparent may happily organise the week around two days of childcare. Another may find those same two days difficult to manage alongside other commitments.
In the Australian survey, 28% of respondents providing care agreed that they felt unable to say no when asked. Loving the children and finding a request difficult to decline can coexist.
Ryan and Deci’s theory offers a way to think about this, rather than a prescription for how much childcare anyone should provide. The useful question is whether an arrangement leaves room for both closeness and an honest say in how we spend our time.
Retirement can make being needed especially appealing
When I retired, I discovered that having plans did not automatically give me a settled sense of who I was. Work had provided structure, responsibility and a familiar way of explaining myself. Adjusting to life without that took time and a lot of emotion.
That experience has made me more aware of how appealing it can be to have a clear role again when you are asked what you do.
Being needed by family can feel reassuring. There is somewhere to be, something worthwhile to do and someone delighted to see us. For some people, grandparenting becomes the most satisfying part of retirement.
Still, I think it is worth occasionally asking ourselves what else we would like to make room for. Is there a friend we miss? Something we hoped to learn when we finally have more time? Have we stopped making other plans because we assume we might be needed?
Family may remain our greatest priority, while other parts of our life also need attention.
Four ingredients can help us see the whole picture
Over time, I have come to think about a fulfilling retirement through four ingredients: energy, connection, purpose and vision. They are a framework I use for reflection, rather than a scientific formula.
Grandparenting can contribute to all four. It can also draw heavily on some of them.
Energy includes noticing what we can comfortably manage. A day with small children might be delightful and physically demanding. Allowing time afterwards for rest, a walk or our usual activities can make the arrangement easier to sustain.
Connection includes the grandchildren and the wider family, alongside friends and other people who matter to us. Keeping a regular lunch with a friend can be part of caring for our own wellbeing, even when our calendar looks more flexible than it once did.
Purpose can come from helping our grandchildren grow and importantly giving their parents support. It may also come from other activities and contributing to something we care about.
Vision brings us back to what we hope the coming years will hold. Perhaps we want more family time. Perhaps there is a trip, a course or a different way of living we would like to explore. Naming those hopes helps us include them when family arrangements are discussed.
There will be times when one ingredient receives more attention than another. The point is to notice whether something important has gradually disappeared from view.
Clear communucation can make arrangements easier
Sometimes a family settles into an arrangement simply because nobody has discussed it properly. An occasional favour becomes a regular day, then an extra afternoon. Everyone gets used to it.
Talking about what is manageable can give everyone something clearer to work with. That might mean agreeing on regular days, discussing how extra requests will be handled, or checking in when the children start school or a grandparent’s circumstances change.
A sentence such as “I love our Wednesdays together, and I would like to keep Friday for my own plans” gives an adult child useful information.
Of course, choices can be limited. Some grandparents are raising grandchildren or supporting a family through difficult circumstances. Their situation may call for practical and necessary support.
Hopwever, where there is room to negotiate, I suspect it helps to speak before tiredness turns into frustration. A commitment that feels manageable is easier for everyone to plan around.
As they grow, we can keep growing too
I keep returning to the grandmother’s awareness that these early years are precious. There is real tenderness in wanting to be present while a child still asks you to sit on the floor beside them.
As children grow, the relationship can take a different shape. There may be fewer afternoons of hands-on care and more conversations over lunch, shared interests or messages about something they thought we would enjoy.
Our retirement can change alongside them. We can cherish the years of being closely involved while continuing to nurture interests and relationships that belong to us.
Perhaps that is something useful for grandchildren to see: an older person who loves them, enjoys their company and still has things they are curious about.
And when the house becomes quiet again, we might sit down with that cup of tea, remember the day with affection and look forward to something of our own tomorrow.