There is something appealing about opening your diary and finding a day with very little in it. After years of work and family commitments, an empty space can feel like a small luxury. You could go for a walk, read another chapter of your book or take your time over breakfast. Nobody is waiting for you to finish so they can tell you what needs doing next.
But deciding how to spend that time can be surprisingly unfamiliar. We have had plenty of practice organising our days around responsibilities. Knowing what we want to give our attention to, when the choice is ours, can take a little more thought.
I found this when I retired after a long career in education. I welcomed the freedom and had plenty of things I wanted to do. Yet I also felt anxious and ungrounded. Work had given me direction, challenges and a sense of contributing. Enjoying my newfound freedom mattered, but I gradually realised I needed something to move towards as well.
The Artful Parent
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We have spent years knowing what needs doing
When you are raising children and working, the next task usually announces itself. Someone needs collecting, something needs signing, a problem needs solving. Even when we long for a break, there can be satisfaction in knowing where our efforts belong.
Then our children grow up and work comes to an end. These changes may happen years apart, but both can alter the way we understand our place in the world. We remain parents, of course. There are still conversations, worries and occasions when help is needed. But our children are making lives with routines and priorities of their own.
Some of us have considerable caring responsibilities at this stage. Others have more space than we expected. Either way, it can be useful to ask what we would like our own lives to contain alongside the people and commitments we care about.
That question can be harder to answer than it sounds. We may know exactly what everyone else enjoys, yet need a moment when someone asks what we would like to do.
Enjoyment deserves a place in the week
I love walking, cycling, dancing and getting absorbed in a good book. There is real pleasure in having time for these things, especially after years of fitting them around work. Sometimes the best part is simply being able to stay a little longer.
Still, I know how easily the old habit of measuring a day by achievement can follow us into retirement. Even relaxation can acquire a job description. A walk must improve our fitness. Reading must teach us something. We can become remarkably industrious about having time off.
Research offers a useful way of thinking about enjoyment and fulfilment. In four studies published in the Journal of Happiness Studies, Veronika Huta and Richard Ryan examined activities pursued for pleasure and comfort, and those pursued to develop and express the best in ourselves. Enjoyment was more closely associated with positive feelings and carefreeness, while the latter pursuits were more closely associated with meaning. Both were associated with a sense of vitality.
These studies were not specifically about retirement, but I find the distinction helpful. Feeling good and feeling that something matters can each add to our lives. And they can happen within the same activity.
We don’t have to justify an enjoyable afternoon by finding a deeper meaning in it. Equally, we can enjoy ourselves and still recognise a wish for more direction.
I need purpose to give me momentum
This is something I have come to understand about myself. I enjoy having choices, but I also need purpose. In fact, I find that goals give me the drive to turn an intention into something I actually do.
A recent example was training for Around the Bay in a Day in Melbourne. I already enjoyed riding my bike, but having an event to prepare for gave me an extra incentive. There was something ahead of me, a reason to make time for riding and to keep preparing.
That goal fitted with something I value: my physical wellbeing. Keeping active matters to me, and the event gave that broader intention a practical focus. It connected something enjoyable with something I wanted to work towards.
For me, that is where purpose becomes useful. It gives momentum to an interest. I can think, “I’d like to ride more,” but having something to prepare for helps me give that wish a place in my week.
There is research behind the importance of choosing goals that fit us. In three longitudinal studies, Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot found that people whose goals reflected their own interests and core values put more sustained effort into pursuing them and were more likely to achieve them. Achieving those goals was also linked with greater wellbeing benefits. Again, this was not research specifically on retirees, but it offers a useful perspective on why our reasons for choosing a goal matter.
I recognise that in my cycling. Physical wellbeing was already important to me. Training gave me a way to act on that value, with a goal that I had chosen for myself.
Someone else’s source of momentum might be learning enough Spanish to have a conversation on their next trip, growing vegetables through a season or helping organise a community event. What interests me is the connection between something we care about and something we can begin doing.
Our children matter, and so does the life we are building
My three sons live in Asia. We are close, but our everyday lives happen in different places. Being their mother remains an important part of who I am, even though it no longer organises my days in the way it once did.
That makes it important for me to build a satisfying life where I am. Writing and creating courses give me things to think about and develop. Movement, friendships and quieter pleasures have their place too.
Families living nearby will have different arrangements. There may be regular meals together, grandchildren to care for or adult children who need support. Family life can bring both enjoyment and a deep sense of purpose. It can also sit alongside other interests that deserve our attention.
I think this is a conversation we can keep having with ourselves as circumstances change. What do I want to be available for? What would I like time to develop? What am I curious about now?
There is room to remain a loving, involved parent while discovering more about the person we are becoming.
The balance can change as we go
A former colleague helped bring this home to me. After retiring from demanding work, she travelled extensively and loved it. After about 18 months, however, she began to miss having another source of purpose. I wrote more about her experience in A fulfilling retirement needs both pleasure and purpose.
What stayed with me was her willingness to reconsider what she needed. She had enjoyed the freedom she had planned for. As time went on, she discovered she wanted something else alongside it.
I suspect many of us will make similar discoveries. After a particularly demanding period, rest may be what we most want. Later, an interest might begin asking for more attention. We might find ourselves wanting to learn, contribute or prepare for something that stretches us a little.
Goals can change with our capacity and circumstances. They can be modest, and we can reconsider them. For me, their value lies in giving something I care about enough attention to see where it might lead.
When I look at the week ahead now, I want room for things I enjoy and things that give me direction. Sometimes that means writing. Sometimes it means getting on my bike with something to train for. Sometimes it means leaving an afternoon free.
The people I love are still very much part of that picture. Alongside them, there is a life I am continuing to discover and shape.
What would you like to give a little more of yourself to now?