It’s Saturday morning, and your eight-year-old granddaughter Rosie has her shoes on before her dad has even found his keys. “Is it Nana’s today?” She’s been asking since Wednesday.
Grandkids don’t usually count down the days because of the big things, like the fancy outing or the expensive present. More often it’s a feeling: at Nana’s, someone listens, nobody fusses about the mess, and they get to be themselves.
Most grandparents want that. Sometimes small habits get in the way, usually without anyone meaning harm. Here are eight worth letting go of, and what to try instead.
The Artful Parent
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1. Half-listening with the phone or TV on
Rosie is telling you the whole plot of the book she just finished. You’re nodding, but your eyes keep drifting to your phone, and the news is still on in the background.
Kids tend to notice when they only have part of you. And for many grandchildren, a grown-up’s full attention is the best part of the visit.
It’s fair that you have a life, messages to answer, and a show you like. Try this: turn the TV off when they arrive, and put your phone in a drawer for the first hour. If you need to check it, say so: “Hang on, I’m just answering Aunt Jo, then I’m all yours.”
2. Commenting on their bodies
“Look at you, you’ve filled out!” “Have you put on a little weight?” “That haircut is very… short.”
These comments are often meant fondly. But kids, especially as they near their teens, can hear them very differently. A 2016 American Academy of Pediatrics clinical report on preventing obesity and eating disorders in teenagers notes that even well-intended family comments about weight can be hurtful, and recommends encouraging families to talk about healthy eating and being active instead of weight. That includes comments about your own body, like “I can’t have cake, I’m getting fat.”
Try this: comment on what they do, not how they look. “You were so fast on the monkey bars.” “That was a really kind thing you did for your brother.”
3. Insisting on hugs and kisses
“Come give Grandpa a kiss!” Your four-year-old grandson hides behind his mom’s legs.
It can sting, especially when you’ve driven two hours to see him. But many young children need time to warm up, and a hug they didn’t choose isn’t much of a welcome. Some families also teach their kids that they get to decide who touches them, and a grandparent backing that up helps.
Try this: offer a choice. “Hug, high five, or a wave?” If he waves, wave back and mean it: “A wave it is. Good to see you.” Then carry on with the visit, and let the wave be enough.
4. Treating every visit like a report card
“How’s school going? What did you get on your spelling test? Did your team win?”
Asking about school shows you care. But if the first questions are always about grades and scores, a visit can start to feel like an evaluation, especially for a child who’s having a hard year.
Try this: lead with something that isn’t graded. “What’s the best thing that happened this week?” or “What are you building in your game right now?” If they want to tell you about the spelling test, they will.
5. Worrying more about the mess than the fun
Rosie wants to paint. You picture the tablecloth, the rug, and the blue handprints on the fridge, and you hear yourself say, “Maybe next time.”
It’s your house, and wanting it to stay nice is fair. But messy projects are often the ones kids remember: the flour everywhere on cookie day, the mud kitchen in the backyard, the paint-splattered smocks.
Try this: set up a mess zone. An old shower curtain on the kitchen floor, a big shirt as a smock, washable paints, and a damp towel nearby. Then do the cleanup together. That can be part of the fun, too.
Rosie paints for an hour and still hasn’t finished her picture of the duck pond when her dad pulls into the driveway. That’s fine. It can wait for next time.
6. Rolling your eyes at what they love
“That’s not real music.” “You’re watching someone else play a video game? Why?”
A lot of what kids love today may make no sense to you. That’s fine. But a quick dismissal can tell a child that the things they care about don’t count here, and they may stop bringing them up.
Try this: you don’t have to like it. Ask, “What do you love about it?” and listen to the answer. You’ll learn something about your grandchild, even if you never warm to the music.
7. Pushing food
“Are you sure you want another cookie?” “Just three more bites.” “No dessert until your plate’s clean.”
For many grandparents, feeding people is how love gets shown, and the Sunday roast means a lot. But pressure at the table can backfire. In its tips for parents of picky young eaters, the American Academy of Pediatrics says it’s the adult’s job to provide food and the child’s decision to eat it, and that pressuring kids can make them dislike foods they might otherwise like.
Try this: put the food out, follow the parents’ rules about treats, and let the kids decide how much to eat. When a plate comes back half full, skip the coaxing: “You can leave what you don’t want. Want to help me put the leftovers away?” If there’s dessert, serve it without turning it into a prize.
8. Making promises you don’t keep
“Next summer, I’ll teach you to fish.” Next summer comes and goes.
Life gets in the way, with health, money, distance, and busy calendars. Adults tend to forget these offhand promises. Kids often don’t.
Try this: promise small and specific, then follow through. “Next Saturday, pancakes and the duck pond” is easier to keep than a vague someday. And if plans fall through, tell them yourself and set a new date: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t make it. How about the 14th instead?”
Where to start
None of this takes a big house, a lot of money, or endless energy. Mostly, it takes attention, a little patience, and a damp towel for the paint.
Pick one habit to drop before your next visit. And next time Rosie comes over, leave the paints out. Ask if she wants to finish the picture she started.