Few relationships last as long as the one between parents and their children, and few carry as much feeling. That feeling isn’t always warm. A University of Michigan study found that most parents and adult children experience at least some tension with each other, and that the parents are usually the ones more bothered by it. The older the child, the more it bothered them.
For a parent who sometimes wonders whether a grown son or daughter is just putting up with them, the research offers some perspective. Tension between generations is common, it doesn’t mean the relationship has failed, and some of it comes down to how differently each side sees the same moments.
This is a look at what researchers have found, not advice for any particular family.
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What the study looked at
The research, led by Kira Birditt of the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research with colleagues at Purdue and Penn State, was published in 2009 in the journal Psychology and Aging. It drew on 158 American families, 474 people in all: adult sons and daughters aged 22 to 49, and their mothers and fathers. The grown children lived within 50 miles of their parents. About a third of the sample was African American and the rest European American.
Each person rated how much tension they felt with the others over a range of topics, from personality differences and past problems in the relationship to the children’s finances, housekeeping, lifestyle choices and how often they kept in touch.
Parents feel it more
Most parents and children reported at least some tension. But when parents and their children in the same family rated the same topics, parents generally reported more intense tension, especially about the children’s lifestyle and behavior, such as how they managed money or kept house.
In the university’s announcement, Birditt suggested that tensions may weigh more on parents because they have more invested in the relationship, and because they care about seeing their children launched into a successful adult life.
That fits a long line of research on what is known as the generational stake. When parents and adult children are asked about the same relationship, parents tend to describe it as warmer and less strained than their children do. One idea is that parents have put more into the relationship over the years and so feel more invested in it. The flip side is that small frictions can loom larger for them.
The older the child, the more it bothers parents
The finding that surprised Birditt most was that parents’ sense of tension rose with their children’s age, particularly over how the two of them got along, such as clashing personalities.
Her explanation is a matter of competing demands. Middle-aged children are more likely to have partners, children and careers of their own, and may simply have less time and attention to give the relationship. At the same time, as parents age, they may want or need more from their grown children. That gap can create friction even when neither side means any harm.
For a parent who senses that a son or daughter is less available than they once were, this offers another way to read the situation. Busyness and divided attention are not the same as a lack of love.
Mothers, daughters and unsolicited advice
The study also found differences by gender. Both mothers and fathers reported more tension with daughters than with sons. Birditt suggested this may be because daughters tend to have closer, more frequent contact with their parents, which simply creates more opportunities for friction.
Sons and daughters, for their part, reported more tension with their mothers than their fathers, particularly over personality differences and unsolicited advice. Birditt offered two possible reasons: children may feel that their mothers ask for more closeness, or mothers may be more inclined to intrude.
Not all tensions were equal. According to Birditt, problems rooted in the relationship itself, such as basic personality differences and parents giving advice that wasn’t asked for, tended to cause more trouble than disagreements about the children’s lifestyle, education or money. The published paper found that tensions about the relationship were linked to less warmth and more mixed feelings between parents and their children. Disagreements about individual choices, she said, can more easily be set aside with some effort.
Staying quiet doesn’t seem to help
Many parents respond to tension by holding their tongue. Birditt’s related research on how families handle these moments suggests that approach has limits.
The most common responses were constructive: trying to accommodate each other, looking for solutions and trying to understand the other person’s point of view. But as tension grew more intense, people were more likely to avoid the issue altogether or to argue and yell, and both avoidance and open conflict were linked to poorer relationships overall.
Birditt put it plainly: the old saying “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” isn’t good advice for parents and adult children. In her view, avoidance appears to make things worse.
What the study can and can’t tell us
This was a single study of American families who lived fairly close to one another, measured at one point in time. It describes patterns across many families, not what any particular son or daughter feels. It cannot show whether a given tension causes distance, or whether distance creates more tension.
It also doesn’t measure appreciation directly. A grown child who sometimes finds a parent irritating may also love and value them deeply. Other research on what psychologists call ambivalence has found that many parents and adult children hold both strong positive and strong negative feelings about each other at the same time.
A different way to read the tension
For parents worried that their adult children merely tolerate them, the study offers a gentler interpretation. Some tension is normal, parents tend to feel it more sharply than their children do, and part of the strain reflects the different stages of life each generation is in.
The research also points to the areas parents can do something about. Holding back advice that hasn’t been asked for, accepting differences in personality, and talking through problems rather than avoiding them all sit on the side of the evidence that is linked to warmer relationships.
The relationship with a grown child is not the same as it was when that child was young. But a little irritation on both sides, the research suggests, is part of a close and lasting bond, not a sign that the bond is gone.
Representative image. Photo: Kampus Production / Pexels.