Last Thursday at the farmers’ market, I watched Ellie navigate a tricky situation with another kid who wanted the same bunch of wildflowers she’d picked out.
Instead of getting upset, she paused, looked at the other child’s disappointed face, and offered to help them find an even prettier bunch together.
Later that evening, Matt mentioned he’d noticed the same thing—how our five-year-old seems to read people in ways that feel almost intuitive. It got me thinking about emotional intelligence and how some people just naturally pick up on social cues the rest of us miss.
Turns out, there are specific things emotionally intelligent people do in social situations that set them apart. And the good news? These aren’t mysterious gifts—they’re learnable skills.
1) You notice the unspoken emotions
You know that moment when someone says they’re “fine” but everything about their body language screams otherwise?
Emotionally intelligent people catch those subtle shifts. They pick up on the tight jaw, the forced smile, the way someone’s shoulders tense when a certain topic comes up. As noted by Daniel Goleman, who wrote extensively on emotional intelligence, “people’s emotions are rarely put into words, far more often they are expressed through other cues.”
I’ve learned this with my own kids. Milo doesn’t always have the words to tell me he’s overwhelmed, but I can see it in how he clings to my leg at playgroup or buries his face in my shoulder.
The same applies to adults. When my friend Sarah came over last week and said she was “totally fine” about her work situation, I noticed she was gripping her coffee mug a little too tightly and her laugh sounded hollow.
If you naturally pick up on these nonverbal signals—the tone of voice, the facial expressions, the small gestures—you’re already ahead of most people in the emotional intelligence department.
2) You actually pause before reacting
This one’s harder than it sounds.
Most of us have an immediate emotional response to situations. Someone criticizes us, we get defensive. Someone shares good news, we jump in with our own story. But emotionally intelligent people create space between stimulus and response.
They take that extra beat to consider what’s really happening and what response would be most helpful. Not just for themselves, but for everyone involved.
I’m still working on this one. The other day Ellie spilled an entire jar of paint water on the kitchen floor—for the third time that week. My first instinct was to snap at her about being careless. But I caught myself, took a breath, and realized she was genuinely trying to help clean up from our art project.
That pause changed everything. Instead of shame and tears, we had a conversation about carrying things more carefully and she helped me mop up without any drama.
3) You genuinely want to understand different perspectives
Here’s where emotional intelligence goes beyond just noticing emotions—it’s about caring what those emotions mean.
Do you find yourself genuinely curious about why people feel the way they do? Not in a judgy “what’s wrong with them” way, but with real interest in understanding their experience?
Matt and I approach parenting differently sometimes. He’s more laid-back about screen time than I am, and we could easily butt heads about it. But emotionally intelligent conversations happen when we both try to understand where the other person is coming from.
For him, those Saturday morning cartoons while he makes pancakes are about creating a relaxed family tradition. For me, my concerns about screens come from wanting to protect their developing brains. Both perspectives make sense when you actually listen.
People with high emotional intelligence don’t just tolerate different viewpoints—they actively seek to understand them, recognizing that most people have legitimate reasons for feeling how they do.
4) You know when someone needs space
This is huge, and so many people miss it.
Emotionally intelligent people can sense when someone needs to be left alone versus when they need support. They read the room and respect boundaries without being told explicitly what to do.
Sometimes Ellie comes home from preschool and wants to tell me every single detail about her day. Other times, she goes straight to her room to play quietly with her basket of collected leaves and sticks. I’ve learned to recognize which kind of day it is by how she walks through the door.
The same applies to adult relationships. When a friend is going through something difficult, emotionally intelligent people don’t automatically swoop in with solutions or forced cheerfulness. They assess whether that person wants company or solitude, advice or just someone to sit with them.
5) You respond to constructive criticism without getting defensive
Nobody loves being criticized. But emotionally intelligent people have developed the ability to hear feedback without their ego immediately throwing up walls.
They can separate “you made a mistake” from “you are a mistake.” They listen to what’s actually being said, consider whether there’s truth in it, and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
I recently shared an article draft with a fellow writer who pointed out that my tone came across as preachy in places. Old me would have felt hurt and defensive. But I took a breath, reread what I’d written, and realized she was right. That feedback made the piece better.
This skill is foundational to growth. If you can receive criticism with grace and actually learn from it, you’re demonstrating emotional intelligence that most people struggle to develop.
6) You adjust your communication style to fit the situation
Not everyone needs to be communicated with in the same way, and emotionally intelligent people understand this instinctively.
They know when to be direct and when to be gentle. When to use humor to lighten the mood and when to be serious. When to give someone space to process and when to push for a conversation.
With Ellie, I’ve learned she responds well to questions that help her think through problems: “What do you think would help in this situation?” With Milo at two, I need to keep things simple and concrete: “Inside voice, please.”
The same principle applies everywhere. At the community garden, I communicate differently with the retired teacher who loves detailed explanations versus the busy mom who needs quick bullet points.
This flexibility isn’t fake or manipulative—it’s about meeting people where they are and communicating in ways that actually work for them.
7) You can read the emotional temperature of a room
Walk into a tense situation, and emotionally intelligent people immediately sense it. There’s an argument happening, or someone’s uncomfortable, or the energy is off somehow—and they pick up on it before anyone says a word.
Last month at a playdate, I arrived to find the other moms chatting in the kitchen while one mom sat alone outside watching the kids. Something felt off. The other moms seemed oblivious, but I could tell from her body language she was upset about something.
Turned out there’d been a disagreement about the kids sharing toys, and she’d felt ganged up on. Just acknowledging it—”Hey, you seem a bit withdrawn, everything okay?”—opened the door for her to share what happened.
People with strong emotional intelligence are constantly scanning the social environment, picking up on collective moods and individual emotional states. It’s like having a sixth sense for the feelings swirling around them.
8) You genuinely care about other people’s wellbeing
This is the foundation everything else rests on.
You can have all the social perception skills in the world, but if you don’t actually care about people, it’s just manipulation. True emotional intelligence comes from a place of genuine empathy and concern for others.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t just notice when someone’s struggling—they’re moved to help. They check in on friends going through hard times. They remember what matters to people. They celebrate others’ successes without jealousy.
I think about the mom at our babysitting co-op who noticed I seemed frazzled and quietly offered to take both my kids for an extra afternoon so I could catch up on work. She didn’t make a big deal of it. She just saw a need and met it.
That’s emotional intelligence in action—not just perceiving emotions, but caring enough to respond with kindness.
Final thoughts
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these habits, you’re likely more emotionally intelligent than you give yourself credit for. These skills show up in how you navigate the everyday moments—not just the big dramatic ones.
And if you’re reading this thinking “I want to develop these abilities,” here’s the encouraging part: emotional intelligence can be strengthened. It starts with paying attention. Notice how people react. Notice your own emotional responses. Create that pause before you react.
Practice empathy—not just feeling for people, but genuinely trying to understand their perspective. Work on seeing constructive criticism as information rather than attack. Adjust how you communicate based on who you’re talking to.
The most beautiful thing about developing emotional intelligence is that it creates a ripple effect. When you show up with more awareness and empathy, you make space for others to do the same. Your relationships deepen. Your kids learn these skills by watching you model them.
It’s not about being perfect. I still react defensively sometimes. I still miss social cues when I’m tired or distracted. But the more I practice these habits, the more naturally they come—and the richer my connections become with the people around me.
