Some days I feel like a project manager, a cleaner, a short-order cook, and a pillow for tiny elbows.
We live in a small apartment in Itaim Bibi, so there isn’t much space for chaos to hide. The routine is tight because both of us work full time, and we want to be present parents without dropping our other balls.
Breakfast at the kitchen island, a stroller walk to drop Matias at work, a quick grocery run for the meal of the day, then our nanny arrives and I shift into work mode.
Evenings are family dinner, bath, storytime, bottle, sleep. One of us tidies while the other puts our daughter down so that by 9, we can breathe together.
All this to say, I know how easy it is to doubt yourself as a parent. In my head, I often ask, are we doing enough, are we too strict, are we too soft.
What has helped me is paying attention to a few quiet signals. The small behaviors that show a child’s internal world is safe and growing.
If your child does these five things, you might be doing much better than your tired brain gives you credit for.
1. They bring you the small stuff, not just the big stuff
When Emilia gets a new scratch, she runs to me. When she builds a teetering tower of blocks and it falls, she glances up to check my face. When a neighbor’s cat meows at her, she looks back at me as if to ask, is this friend or foe.
These little bids for connection tell me I’m her secure base. She believes I’ll respond, not perfectly, but reliably.
This is what researchers call “serve and return.” A child serves a signal. We return with attention, words, and care.
The Harvard Center on the Developing Child explains how these back-and-forth interactions build neural connections that support learning and resilience, and their short guide is a great refresher if you want a simple checklist of how to respond in the moment.
As noted by the Harvard team, consistent, responsive exchanges help wire the brain for communication and self-control, which is exactly what we want during the toddler years.
If your kid looks for your eyes, your voice, or your lap during everyday moments, that is a strong signal you’ve become their safe harbor. Stability is built in these tiny loops, not only in the big life events. Think of it as a steady drumbeat underneath the day.
2. They can be bored without falling apart
Busy households can accidentally over-schedule kids. I’m productivity driven, so I feel that pull.
Still, some of our best afternoons happen when I tell Emi, it’s mommy work time for 20 minutes, and lay out a couple of simple toys.
She fusses for a minute, then settles, and soon she’s “cooking” with measuring spoons or pushing cars under the sofa and rescuing them.
Boredom becomes a soft runway for imagination.
Psychologists have long noted that open-ended play fuels attention and creativity. As Alison Gopnik has said, young children are like the “research and development department of the human species,” exploring widely to learn how the world works. That image helps me step back and let the experiment unfold.
You don’t need a perfectly curated Montessori shelf to see this. What matters is the rhythm. A little structure, a little space. If your child can drift into play after a brief protest, or invents games with ordinary things, that’s a quiet win. It shows focus is growing, and it shows trust that they are allowed to try.
3. They show small empathy and try to repair
The other day in Santiago, Emi grabbed a toy from her cousin. After the first burst of tears, she looked at him and patted his shoulder, then offered the toy back.
The pat was clumsy. The timing was late. Still, there it was, a seed of empathy and an attempt to repair. My job was to notice and name it, not just correct the grab.
Empathy starts in these scrappy moments. It grows when we model it and when we praise the repair, not only the misstep. I’ll say, you saw he was sad and you were gentle. That was kind. The words are short and specific.
Over time, kids learn that relationships are not about being perfect, they’re about caring enough to fix things. It takes repetition like learning to stir a pot without spilling.
You may see flashes of this at bedtime, during playdates, or when a pet looks upset. The behaviors are small, like covering a doll with a blanket or handing you a tissue when you sneeze.
If those moments are showing up, your home is teaching the right lesson. Care counts.
4. They test limits, then accept the boundary
People often mistake limit testing as a sign of bad behavior. I read it as growth. When Emi runs toward the street and I say, stop, she often pauses, looks at me, then decides if it’s worth pushing.
That mini negotiation is development in motion. She’s learning how rules work, how power works, and how her body works in space.
Matias and I are consistent with boundaries because it lets her relax. She already knows which parts of the kitchen are safe and which drawers are off limits. S
he knows the balcony is only for adults unless a parent is with her. There is freedom inside those lines. On weekdays we keep the same family dinner, bath, storytime, sleep flow, and she thrives within it because the shape of the evening stays the same even when the day was wild.
As psychologist John Gottman has noted in his work on emotion coaching, warmth plus firm limits teach kids that their feelings are valid and their actions still have boundaries. The limit isn’t a rejection, it’s a container that keeps everyone safe and respected.
If your child pushes and then accepts the no with support, even with tears, that is a healthy pattern. Testing is science.
Acceptance is learning. Together they form a strong muscle that will help them in school and with friends.
5. They recover after big feelings
No one escapes tantrums. Not in Itaim Bibi, not in Santiago, not anywhere. What I watch for is recovery. After the storm, can she snuggle, sip water, and rejoin life.
The repair tells me regulation is building, and that our co-regulation during the peak helped her nervous system settle.
I try to narrate the process. That was a big cry. Your body was overwhelmed. Now you’re calm, and we can read. These words are short, rhythmic, and matter-of-fact.
I avoid over-talking, and I resist the urge to fix everything. Often, I hold her, breathe slowly, and keep my voice warm. When she softens, we move on.
The goal is not to prevent all meltdowns. The goal is to help the body find the way out.
Recovery also shows up in small transitions. Leaving the park without a scene. Saying goodbye to grandparents at the airport with tears and then sleeping on the flight.
These are practice reps. If you see rebound happening a little faster each month, your systems are working.
A few reminders that keep me steady
I remind myself that children learn in spirals, not straight lines. A skill appears, disappears, returns stronger. So I look for trends over weeks, not perfect days. I also track the quality of our home energy.
Is there laughter, are we eating together most nights, are our eyes kind? These are the quiet health metrics.
Our lifestyle helps. We keep the wardrobe simple and our mornings predictable so we aren’t rushing out the door angry. We buy less but better so we aren’t dealing with constant clutter. We cook most meals at home. When family help is available in Santiago, we soak it in and get a real date night.
When it’s just us and Lara in São Paulo, we still hold our Thursday dinner tradition even if it’s a quick ceviche and a shared dessert. The marriage gets fed, which feeds the whole system.
I also trust that play and curiosity are not extras. They are the air of early childhood. One more nudge from Alison Gopnik lives on my fridge: children explore broadly and notice possibilities adults miss.
I see this when Emi tries to fit a wooden banana into a toy phone and acts like it works. It’s funny, and it’s learning.
Quick ways to strengthen these five signals
If you want to amplify the good, here are small moves that help without adding another heavy task to your day.
Start a two-minute “check-in” after daycare or playtime. Ask one feel-good question and one simple what-did-you-see question. That tiny ritual boosts serve and return.
Protect a boredom window each day. Fifteen minutes is enough. Offer two safe choices, then step back. Don’t rescue too fast. Let the brain stretch.
Name empathy and repairs with short sentences. You noticed, you helped, that was kind. Kids repeat what gets noticed.
Keep boundaries consistent and short. Yes to the playground, no to running in the street, yes to one more book, no to the balcony alone. Predictability lowers drama.
Practice recovery yourself. After your own big feeling, narrate your reset. I got frustrated, I drank water, now I’m calm. You’re not performing, you’re modeling.
Final thoughts
When I doubt myself, I think about these five behaviors like tiny lights on a dashboard. They don’t require a perfect day. They flicker on during breakfast, during a grocery checkout, during a bedtime cuddle.
If your child seeks you for the small stuff, plays on their own sometimes, shows little kindnesses, tests and then accepts the line, and rebounds after big feelings, you’re building a sturdy foundation.
We’re not raising robots. We’re raising humans who will someday carry their own routines, relationships, and responsibilities. The work is slow, and the progress is real.
Give yourself credit for the signals you’re already seeing.
