Milo was mid-meltdown at the farmers’ market last Saturday—full-on, arched-back, screaming because I wouldn’t let him eat a raw beet.
And as I’m crouched there trying to talk him through it, a well-meaning stranger walked up and said, “Wow, someone’s having a bad day, huh?”
I smiled and nodded, but inside I was thinking: that’s exactly the kind of comment that makes hard moments harder.
It got me thinking about all the small phrases we use without realizing how they land—the ones that seem harmless but actually create distance, judgment, or awkwardness. Sometimes we’re trying to connect, but the words we choose do the opposite.
Social skills aren’t about being perfect or performing. They’re about tuning in, staying curious, and choosing language that builds bridges instead of walls. And honestly? Most of us have a few conversational habits we don’t even notice.
So let’s talk about eight common phrases that tend to show up when someone’s social awareness is a little under-tuned—and what might work better instead.
1) “I know exactly how you feel”
This one comes from a good place. You want to empathize, to show you get it. But the truth is, you don’t know exactly how someone feels—because you’re not them.
When Ellie came home from preschool upset because her friend didn’t want to play with her, my first instinct was to say, “I know how you feel, sweetie.” But I caught myself. Because what she needed wasn’t me projecting my own childhood rejection onto her moment. She needed me to just listen.
Saying “I know exactly how you feel” can accidentally shut down the conversation. It shifts the focus to you and your experience, rather than staying with theirs. It can also come across as dismissive, like you’re fast-forwarding through their feelings to get to a tidy resolution.
What works better? Something like, “That sounds really hard,” or “Tell me more about what happened.” You’re still showing care, but you’re making space for their story instead of overlaying your own.
As Brené Brown has noted, true empathy is about connecting with the emotion someone is experiencing, not comparing experiences. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply say, “I’m here, and I’m listening.”
2) “No offense, but…”
If you have to preface something with “no offense,” there’s a pretty good chance what’s coming next is going to land as offensive.
I’ve heard this phrase at park playdates, in parenting forums, even from family members commenting on our cloth diaper stash. And every time, it’s a signal that someone’s about to say something judgmental while trying to dodge accountability for it.
The phrase doesn’t actually soften the blow. It just warns the other person that a blow is coming—and then delivers it anyway.
If you genuinely need to share something that might be uncomfortable, try leading with curiosity instead of a disclaimer. Ask a question. Share an observation without the qualifier. Or better yet, ask yourself if it really needs to be said at all.
Matt and I have a rule in our house: if you’re about to say something and feel the need to cushion it with “no offense,” pause and rethink the delivery. Most of the time, there’s a kinder, clearer way to communicate the same idea.
3) “You’re too sensitive”
This phrase dismisses someone’s emotional reality and puts the problem squarely on them for feeling instead of on the situation or the words that caused the feeling.
When someone tells you they’re hurt and your response is “you’re too sensitive,” what you’re really saying is: your feelings are wrong, inconvenient, or unreasonable. And that shuts down communication fast.
I grew up hearing this from my dad whenever I cried or got upset. It taught me that my emotions were something to be ashamed of, something that made me weak or difficult. It took years to unlearn that.
Now, when Ellie’s feelings are big—and they often are—I remind myself that her sensitivity isn’t a flaw. It’s part of who she is.
And my job isn’t to minimize it. It’s to help her understand it and navigate it.
Instead of telling someone they’re too sensitive, try acknowledging their feelings: “I can see this really matters to you,” or “I didn’t realize that would be hurtful—I’m sorry.” It takes the same amount of effort, but it keeps the door open instead of slamming it shut.
4) “Actually, I think you’ll find…”
This phrase is the conversational equivalent of pulling out a red pen. It positions you as the expert and the other person as wrong—and it tends to come across as condescending, even when that’s not your intent.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this more times than I can count, especially when talking about parenting choices. Someone will ask why we co-sleep or avoid screens, and the moment I share our reasoning, there’s always one person who jumps in with, “Actually, I think you’ll find that studies show…”
Maybe they’re right. Maybe the studies do show something different. But starting with “actually” immediately puts the other person on the defensive. It turns a conversation into a debate, and most people don’t respond well to feeling like they’re being corrected in public.
If you genuinely want to share information, try framing it differently: “I read something interesting about that—want to hear it?” or “That’s one way to look at it. I’ve also seen…” You’re still contributing, but you’re doing it in a way that feels collaborative instead of combative.
5) “I’m just being honest”
Honesty is important. But “I’m just being honest” is often code for “I’m about to say something harsh and I don’t want to be held accountable for how it lands.”
There’s a difference between honesty and cruelty. You can be truthful and kind. You can share hard feedback and do it with care.
This phrase usually shows up when someone’s about to deliver an unsolicited opinion—about your parenting, your appearance, your choices—and they want to justify it ahead of time. But honesty without tact isn’t a virtue. It’s just unkindness dressed up as integrity.
When Matt and I disagree about something—which we do, regularly—we’ve learned to say things like, “Can I share my perspective?” instead of launching into blunt critique under the banner of honesty. It’s a small shift, but it makes a huge difference in how the conversation unfolds.
The way we deliver truth matters just as much as the truth itself. People are far more open to hearing hard things when they feel respected in the process.
6) “Calm down”
Few phrases escalate a situation faster than telling someone to calm down.
When you say this—especially to someone who’s upset—you’re essentially telling them that their emotions are invalid, excessive, or inappropriate. And that rarely makes anyone feel calmer. It usually makes them feel dismissed.
I learned this the hard way with Ellie. She was frustrated about something—I can’t even remember what—and I said, “Just calm down, honey.” And she looked at me with these big, tear-filled eyes and said, “I am calm!” Which, of course, she wasn’t.
But my words made her feel like her feelings were wrong, and that only made things worse.
Now, when emotions are running high—whether it’s my kids or Matt or even myself—I try to name what I see instead of directing what I want: “You seem really upset,” or “This is hard, isn’t it?” Validation almost always de-escalates faster than instructions.
If someone needs to regulate, they need support, not a command. Offer a hug. Suggest a break. Sit with them in the feeling. But don’t tell them to calm down and expect it to work.
7) “To be honest with you…”
This one’s sneaky because it sounds like you’re about to share something important. But what it accidentally implies is that everything you’ve said up until now hasn’t been honest.
It’s a filler phrase, and most people don’t even realize they’re using it. But it can create a subtle layer of distrust, especially if someone’s paying close attention to your language patterns.
I noticed myself slipping into this habit a few years ago when I was pitching article ideas to editors. “To be honest, I think this angle would work really well…” And one editor gently pointed out that it made her wonder if I’d been dishonest in my other pitches.
She was right. I was just nervous and reaching for a phrase that felt professional. But it undermined my credibility instead of strengthening it.
If you catch yourself about to say this, just skip it. Lead with the actual point. Your words will land with more confidence, and you won’t accidentally plant seeds of doubt about your other statements.
8) “Whatever”
This one’s dismissive. It signals that you’re done with the conversation, that you don’t care enough to keep engaging, or that you’re too frustrated to continue.
And sometimes? That’s fair. Sometimes you are done, and you need space. But “whatever” doesn’t communicate that clearly. It just leaves the other person feeling shut out, unheard, or like they’ve done something wrong.
I’ve heard this from Ellie already—at five—and it stings every time. Usually it means she’s overwhelmed and doesn’t have the language yet to say, “I need a minute.” But as adults, we do have that language. We just have to use it.
Instead of “whatever,” try: “I need a break from this conversation,” or “I’m too frustrated to talk about this right now—can we revisit it later?” You’re still stepping back, but you’re doing it in a way that keeps the door open and shows respect for the other person.
Closing thoughts
Social skills aren’t about saying the perfect thing every time. They’re about paying attention—to how your words land, to what the other person might need, to the small ways language can build connection or break it.
I mess this up regularly. I’ve said plenty of these phrases without thinking, and I’ll probably say some of them again. But awareness is the first step. When you start noticing the patterns, you can begin shifting them.
And honestly? The shifts don’t have to be big. Sometimes it’s just swapping one phrase for another. Sometimes it’s pausing before you speak. Sometimes it’s asking yourself: Is this helping or just filling space?
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Rudá Iandê’s book Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life.
One of the insights that stuck with me was this: “Our emotions are not barriers, but profound gateways to the soul—portals to the vast, uncharted landscapes of our inner being.”
It reminded me that when we shut down someone’s emotions with dismissive language, we’re not just closing a conversation—we’re closing a doorway to real connection.
So maybe the next time you’re about to say one of these phrases, pause. Ask yourself what you’re really trying to communicate.
And see if there’s a gentler, clearer way to get there.
Because the people in your life—whether it’s your kids, your partner, your friends, or even strangers at the farmers’ market—deserve to feel heard, seen, and respected. And that starts with the words we choose.
