I was at the farmers’ market last Saturday with Ellie and Milo when I witnessed something that stopped me in my tracks.
A woman was loudly tearing down her own appearance to a friend, listing everything she hated about herself while her young daughter stood nearby, absorbing every word. My heart sank.
We’ve all had moments where we’ve been harder on ourselves than we should be. But there’s a difference between having an off day and consistently treating yourself in ways that show you don’t value your own worth.
Self-respect isn’t about being perfect or having it all together. It’s about how you treat yourself when no one’s watching and how you show up for yourself in public spaces.
As licensed clinical psychologist Jaime Zuckerman points out, “Our level of self-respect acts almost like a blueprint to instruct others how to engage with us.”
I’ve spent years working through my own patterns of people-pleasing and perfectionism that I inherited from my childhood. What I’ve learned is that self-respect shows up in small, everyday behaviors—and the lack of it does too.
Here are eight behaviors I’ve noticed that often reveal someone is struggling with self-respect.
1) Constantly apologizing for existing
Have you ever noticed someone who says “sorry” for basically breathing? Sorry for taking up space, sorry for having an opinion, sorry for ordering at a restaurant, sorry for asking a question.
I used to do this constantly. Before I had kids, I was that teacher who apologized to parents for their child’s behavior even when it wasn’t my fault. I apologized for everything.
The thing is, when you apologize for simply existing in the world, you’re sending a message to yourself and everyone around you that you don’t believe you deserve to take up space.
There’s a difference between genuine apologies when you’ve actually done something wrong and this reflexive “sorry” that comes from feeling like your presence is somehow an inconvenience. The latter chips away at your sense of worth bit by bit.
Now when I catch myself about to apologize unnecessarily, I pause. Sometimes I replace it with “thank you”—thank you for your patience, thank you for listening. Other times I just let the moment pass without commentary.
2) Speaking poorly about themselves in front of others
This is the one I saw at the farmers’ market. Self-deprecating humor is one thing, but there’s a line between lighthearted jokes and genuinely tearing yourself down in public.
When someone consistently puts themselves down in conversation—calling themselves stupid, ugly, worthless, or any other harsh descriptor—it reveals how they truly view themselves.
I remember my own mother doing this throughout my childhood. She’d look in the mirror and list everything wrong with her appearance, never realizing I was internalizing the message that this was how women were supposed to talk about themselves.
Now with Ellie getting older and more aware, I’m incredibly conscious of how I speak about myself around her. She watches everything I do, and I want her to see someone who treats herself with kindness even when things are hard.
The words we use about ourselves matter. They shape not only how others see us but how we see ourselves. Research shows that negative self-talk is one of the primary ways people disrespect themselves, and it reinforces beliefs of unworthiness.
3) Tolerating disrespectful treatment from others
Self-respect isn’t just about how you treat yourself—it’s also about what you allow others to get away with.
When someone consistently accepts disrespectful behavior from friends, partners, or even strangers without setting boundaries, it signals that they don’t believe they deserve better treatment.
This was something I really struggled with in my twenties. I had friendships where I was always the one making plans, always accommodating, always understanding when they canceled last minute or showed up late. I told myself I was being easygoing, but really I was afraid that setting boundaries would mean losing people.
What I’ve learned, especially after starting therapy for postpartum anxiety after Milo was born, is that boundaries aren’t walls that push people away. They’re actually the foundation of healthy relationships.
Matt and I have had to work through this in our marriage too. Learning to say “that doesn’t work for me” or “I need you to speak to me differently” felt uncomfortable at first. But it strengthened our relationship because we were both being honest about our needs.
People with self-respect know that being kind to yourself sometimes means being less accommodating to others.
4) Never prioritizing their own needs
There’s a difference between being generous and completely abandoning your own needs to take care of everyone else.
I see this one a lot in parenting circles. Mothers especially who never take a moment for themselves, who feel guilty for wanting anything, who run themselves into the ground trying to be everything for everyone.
Before Ellie was born, I thought being a good parent meant complete self-sacrifice. I didn’t realize that constantly ignoring your own needs doesn’t just hurt you—it teaches your children that their needs don’t matter either.
Now I’m intentional about modeling self-care for my kids. When I need quiet time in the afternoon while Milo naps and Ellie does her puzzles, I take it. When I need to step away and breathe during a difficult moment, I do.
This doesn’t make me selfish. It makes me human.
Self-respect means acknowledging that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say, but more importantly—you deserve to have a full cup simply because you exist.
5) Letting others speak over them or dismiss their opinions
Watch what happens in group conversations. Some people consistently let others talk over them, cut them off, or dismiss what they’re saying without pushing back even once.
This behavior shows up everywhere—at work meetings, family gatherings, even casual conversations with friends.
I notice this especially when topics turn to parenting. When I mention our approach to gentle parenting or reducing screen time, I sometimes get eye rolls or dismissive comments. My old instinct would be to shrink back and stop talking. Now I hold my ground.
You don’t have to be aggressive or argumentative to respect yourself in conversation. But you can finish your thought. You can say “I wasn’t done speaking.” You can circle back to your point if someone interrupts.
Your voice deserves to be heard. Your thoughts have value. When you consistently allow others to silence you, you’re reinforcing the belief that what you have to say doesn’t matter.
6) Neglecting their physical appearance or personal care
I want to be careful with this one because it’s nuanced. I’m not talking about expensive clothes or perfect hair or meeting some beauty standard. I’m talking about basic personal care and hygiene.
When someone consistently shows up in public without basic self-care—unwashed, wearing dirty or torn clothing when they have access to clean options, clearly not tending to basic hygiene—it can signal that they don’t believe they’re worth the effort.
Life gets messy. I’ve definitely had those mornings where getting the kids fed and out the door means I’m still in yesterday’s braid with spit-up on my shoulder. That’s different from a consistent pattern of neglecting yourself.
Self-respect includes treating your body with care. Not because you need to look a certain way for others, but because you deserve to feel clean, comfortable, and cared for.
My morning routine is simple—coffee, opening the windows, some gentle stretching. Nothing elaborate. But those few moments of tending to myself set the tone for how I show up for my day.
7) Making themselves the punchline constantly
There’s someone in our babysitting co-op who does this constantly. Every story she tells ends with her being the fool, the failure, the one who can’t get anything right. At first it seemed like humility, but over time it became clear it was something deeper.
Self-deprecating humor has its place, but when it’s your default mode—when you can’t share a story without making yourself the joke—it reveals how you truly see yourself.
I appreciate people who don’t take themselves too seriously. Matt and I laugh at ourselves all the time. But there’s a difference between laughing with yourself and laughing at yourself from a place of genuine self-dislike.
Recently I read Rudá Iandê’s book “Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life,” and one insight really struck me: his perspective that “when we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that’s delightfully real.”
That’s the kind of humor that comes from self-acceptance rather than self-rejection.
8) Seeking constant validation from others
We all want to be seen and appreciated. But there’s a difference between enjoying recognition and desperately needing it to feel okay about yourself.
When someone constantly seeks approval—needing reassurance about every decision, fishing for compliments, changing their opinions based on who they’re talking to—it shows they don’t have a solid sense of their own worth.
I see this play out on social media all the time. The constant posting for likes and comments, the anxiety when something doesn’t perform well, the way people craft their entire online presence around what will get approval rather than what’s true to them.
I transitioned away from teaching seven years ago to pursue writing and parenting education. That decision wasn’t popular with everyone, including my parents who thought I was throwing away a stable career. But I knew it was right for me.
Building that inner confidence—trusting yourself even when others don’t understand your choices—that’s where real self-respect lives. Not in the external validation, but in knowing your own worth regardless of what others think.
Closing thoughts
Self-respect isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s something you practice, cultivate, and sometimes have to fight for.
I still catch myself falling into old patterns—apologizing too much, putting everyone else’s needs first, worrying too much about what others think. Recovery from perfectionism and people-pleasing is ongoing work.
But what I’ve learned, both through my own journey and through therapy, is that treating yourself with respect is a skill you can develop. It starts with noticing these patterns and then making different choices, one small moment at a time.
You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have needs. You deserve to be treated well by others and by yourself.
Your kids are watching how you treat yourself, and they’re learning what self-respect looks like. The greatest gift you can give them isn’t a perfect parent—it’s someone who knows their own worth and isn’t afraid to honor it.
