A friend of mine went through a brutal divorce a few years ago. Her husband left without warning, drained their joint accounts, and moved across the country with someone he’d been seeing for months. The kind of betrayal that makes you want to burn the world down.
I expected her to come out of it angry and guarded. Instead, she became one of the kindest people I know. Not in a doormat way, but in a way that felt genuine and grounded. Watching her navigate that period taught me more about resilience than any book could.
She’s not the only person I’ve seen do this. Some people go through absolute hell and somehow stay soft. Here’s what I’ve noticed about how they pull it off.
1. They stop trying to make sense of why it happened
One thing my friend did early on was stop asking why this happened to her. She didn’t spend months trying to figure out what she did wrong or what signs she missed. She didn’t compare her situation to other people’s relationships or calculate who had it worse.
She accepted that sometimes terrible things happen without reason or warning. Bad people get away with bad behavior. Good people get hurt. There’s no cosmic scorecard balancing everything out.
This wasn’t about being passive or accepting mistreatment. She still got a lawyer and protected her interests. But she stopped wasting energy trying to find meaning in something that was just cruel and random. That freed her up to focus on rebuilding instead of analyzing.
2. They deal with their anger instead of burying it
For months, my friend was furious. She didn’t pretend to be fine or jump straight to forgiveness. She let herself be angry, talked about it with her therapist, vented to close friends who could handle it, and occasionally rage-cleaned her entire apartment at midnight.
The American Psychological Association notes that expressing anger in healthy ways prevents it from turning into chronic hostility. My friend seemed to understand this instinctively. She felt the anger fully but didn’t let it become her permanent state.
What separated her from people who stay bitter is that she moved the anger through instead of storing it. She didn’t suppress it or let it fester. She expressed it, processed it, and eventually let it go. Not because her ex deserved forgiveness, but because carrying that rage was exhausting.
3. They rebuild trust slowly with the right people
After what happened, my friend could have shut everyone out or assumed all people are liars and cheats. She did neither. Instead, she got pickier about who she let close.
She started paying attention to consistency. Does this person do what they say they’ll do? Do their actions match their words over time? She gave people chances but didn’t ignore red flags just to avoid being alone.
I watched her gradually open up again to new friendships and eventually to dating. She was cautious but not closed off. She took risks on people who earned her trust through their behavior, not just their promises. This balance let her stay connected without being naive.
4. They stop waiting for closure from others
My friend never got the apology she deserved. Her ex never acknowledged the pain he caused or took responsibility for his choices. For a while, she waited for that conversation, thinking it would help her move on.
Then one day she told me she’d stopped waiting. She realized he wasn’t capable of giving her what she needed, and expecting it from him kept her stuck. Closure doesn’t come from other people admitting they were wrong. It comes from deciding you’re done carrying the weight of what happened.
This shift changed everything for her. She stopped needing anything from him and started focusing on what she could control. Her own healing, her own choices, her own life. Taking back that power made all the difference.
5. They find purpose in helping others through similar struggles
About a year after her divorce, my friend started volunteering with an organization that helps women navigate separation and financial recovery. She said it was the first time the whole experience felt like it served a purpose beyond just hurting her.
She wasn’t trying to be inspirational or prove she’d “won” by moving on. She just had knowledge from going through it that could help someone else feel less alone. She understood the specific fears and frustrations that only make sense if you’ve been there.
Research shows that helping others actually benefits the helper, creating a positive cycle. My friend found meaning in her pain by using it to ease someone else’s. It transformed the experience from something that only damaged her into something that might help others.
6. They let themselves change without calling it damage
My friend is different now than she was before all this happened. She’s more guarded in some ways, more cautious about who she trusts. But she doesn’t see this as proof that she’s broken.
She told me once that she’s not damaged, she’s just wiser. She knows more about what to watch for and what matters to her. Yes, she’s changed, but that doesn’t mean she’s worse. She’s also more compassionate, clearer about her boundaries, and better at spotting inconsistency between words and actions.
She integrated the experience into who she is instead of treating it like an injury that defines her. She’s not “the divorced woman” or “the betrayed wife.” She’s just herself, with more knowledge than she had before.
This idea of understanding who you’ve become after transformation really resonates with me. I recently took the Wild Soul Archetype Quiz, and it helped me see which instinct has been guiding me through my own seasons of change.
Whether you carry the Phoenix’s gift of rebirth, the Buffalo’s steady strength, the Dragon’s vision, or the Wolf’s loyalty — it’s like discovering the medicine you’ve been drawing on all along. Sometimes naming the power that’s been walking with you helps you recognize you’re not broken, just evolved. If you’re in a season of becoming someone new, it might offer the mirror you need.
7. They practice kindness deliberately, even when it’s hard
I’ve noticed my friend makes a point of being kind in small ways. She tips well, holds doors open, gives genuine compliments, checks in on friends who seem off. These aren’t grand gestures, just tiny consistent acts.
She told me that after what happened, her instinct was to become cynical and assume the worst about people. Kindness stopped coming naturally. So she made it a deliberate choice. Each small act was a reminder to herself that she wasn’t going to let bitterness win.
Over time, it started feeling more natural again. Kindness became a practice that gradually shifted back into a default. But it took conscious effort at first, choosing generosity over guardedness even when it felt risky.
8. They accept that healing isn’t linear
My friend still has hard days. Sometimes a song comes on or she sees a couple laughing together and it hits her all over again. She doesn’t beat herself up about it anymore.
She understands that healing doesn’t have a finish line. Recovery from difficult experiences is a long-term process, not a finite one. You don’t process everything and then you’re done. You have setbacks, triggers, hard anniversaries.
The difference is she doesn’t see these moments as failure or proof that she’s not healing. She just sees them as part of the process. She’s patient with herself on the hard days and keeps showing up on the good ones. That realistic expectation prevents the bitter disappointment that comes from expecting too much too soon.
Final thoughts
Watching my friend navigate this period taught me that staying kind after hardship isn’t about being strong or positive. It’s about making deliberate choices every day about the kind of person you want to be, regardless of what’s been done to you.
She could have let what happened make her bitter and closed off. Instead, she chose something harder. She felt all the pain, processed all the anger, and still decided to stay open to connection and kindness.
That choice isn’t made once. It’s made repeatedly, in small moments, every single day. And it’s always available to any of us, no matter what we’ve been through.
