We all want to build our kids up. We want them to feel loved, capable, and secure in who they are.
But sometimes, even with the best intentions, the words we use can chip away at the very self-worth we’re trying to nurture.
It’s not that we mean harm. Most of us are genuinely trying to encourage, protect, or guide our children. But certain phrases we lean on, even though they sound supportive on the surface, can send messages we never intended.
The tricky part is, these aren’t overtly harsh words. They’re often wrapped in love and concern. That’s what makes them so easy to miss, and so important to recognize.
Let’s dive in.
1) “You’re so smart”
This one feels like pure praise, doesn’t it? We want our kids to know we believe in them, so we tell them they’re smart when they ace a test or solve a puzzle quickly.
But here’s the thing: when we praise intelligence as a fixed trait, kids can start to believe their worth is tied to being smart. And if they’re smart, they’d better stay that way.
So what happens when something feels hard? They avoid it. Because struggling might mean they’re not actually smart after all.
Research shows that children praised for intelligence are more likely to avoid challenges and give up faster when things get tough. They’d rather protect the “smart” label than risk losing it.
Instead, try praising effort, strategy, or persistence. “You worked really hard on that” or “I love how you tried a different approach” sends the message that growth comes from action, not from some inherent quality they either have or don’t.
2) “Let me do it for you”
I get it. Watching your child struggle with their shoelaces for the tenth time when you’re already running late is frustrating. It’s faster to just tie them yourself.
But when we constantly jump in to do things for our kids, we’re quietly communicating that we don’t think they can handle it.
Over time, that message sinks in. They start to believe they’re not capable, and they stop trying.
Capability builds self-worth. When kids accomplish something on their own, even something small, they feel competent. They learn to trust themselves.
Give them space to figure things out. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s messier. But those moments of “I did it myself” are worth their weight in gold.
3) “Good job!”
Wait, how can “good job” be damaging? It sounds so positive.
The problem isn’t the encouragement itself, it’s the vague, reflexive way we often use it.
When “good job” becomes an automatic response to everything, it loses meaning. Kids start performing for our approval rather than developing their own internal sense of satisfaction.
As noted by Alfie Kohn, author and expert on parenting and education, constant praise can actually undermine intrinsic motivation. Children become dependent on external validation instead of learning to evaluate their own efforts.
Try being more specific. “You put a lot of detail into that drawing” or “I noticed how patient you were with your brother just now” tells them exactly what you appreciated. It helps them understand what they did well, not just that they pleased you.
4) “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
Comparisons are brutal. They pit kids against each other and send the message that one child is the standard while the other falls short.
Even if you don’t say it out loud, kids pick up on it when we hold siblings up as examples. “Your brother never has trouble with his homework” or “Look how nicely your cousin is sitting” plants the seed that they’re lacking something their peers have.
Each child is different. Different strengths, different struggles, different timelines. When we compare them, we’re not motivating them to improve. We’re teaching them that love and approval are conditional on being someone they’re not.
Celebrate each child for who they are. Point out their unique qualities. Let them know they don’t have to earn your love by measuring up to anyone else.
5) “Don’t cry, you’re okay”
This phrase usually comes from a caring place. We want to comfort our kids, to reassure them that everything’s fine.
But when we tell them not to cry or that they’re okay when they clearly don’t feel okay, we’re dismissing their emotions.
What they hear is: your feelings don’t matter, or worse, your feelings are wrong.
Kids need to know that all emotions are valid. Sadness, frustration, anger, fear — these aren’t problems to fix or feelings to shut down. They’re part of being human.
When Ellie scrapes her knee at the park and starts crying, I don’t rush in with “you’re fine, it’s just a little scratch.” I sit with her. I acknowledge that it hurts. Sometimes I just say “that really hurt, didn’t it?” and let her feel it.
When we make space for their feelings instead of minimizing them, we’re teaching them that they can trust their own emotional experience. That builds self-worth far more than false reassurance ever could.
And here’s something I had to learn the hard way: our kids can only regulate their emotions as well as we regulate ours. I recently came across a video that put it perfectly: “You cannot regulate another human when you are barely holding yourself together.”
That hit me hard. How many times had I tried to calm Milo down during a meltdown while I was internally spiraling myself? It never worked.
The bottomline is, kids feel our energy. If we’re frazzled and overwhelmed, they pick up on that, and it makes everything harder for them.
Taking care of our own emotional state isn’t selfish. It’s essential if we want to show up for our kids in the way they need.
6) “I’m so proud of you”
Another phrase that sounds loving but can accidentally send the wrong message.
When we say we’re proud, we’re centering ourselves in their achievement. It subtly suggests that their accomplishments exist to make us feel good.
Kids can start performing to earn our pride rather than pursuing things because they genuinely want to. Their self-worth becomes tangled up in whether they’re making us proud, which is an exhausting and fragile foundation.
Try shifting the focus back to them. “You must be so proud of yourself” or “How do you feel about what you accomplished?” helps them develop their own internal compass for success and satisfaction.
Let them own their achievements. Your job isn’t to be proud, it’s to help them recognize and celebrate their own growth.
7) “You’re my perfect little angel”
Labels, even positive ones, can become prisons. When we put kids on a pedestal and tell them they’re perfect, we’re setting them up to fear making mistakes.
Because if they’re supposed to be perfect, what happens when they mess up?
They hide their mistakes. They feel shame when they fall short. They learn that love is conditional on maintaining an impossible standard.
The other morning, Milo knocked over his cereal bowl and milk went everywhere. My first instinct was to sigh and grab a towel, but I caught myself. Instead, I said “oops, accidents happen” and handed him a cloth to help clean up. No drama, no shame, just a normal part of life.
Kids need to know they’re loved even when they’re difficult, messy, or wrong. Especially then. Real unconditional love means they don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of our affection.
Conclusion
None of this makes you a bad parent. We’ve all used these phrases. I still catch myself saying “good job” on autopilot or jumping in to fix something Ellie could probably figure out herself if I gave her a minute.
The point isn’t perfection. The point is awareness.
When we pay attention to the messages behind our words, we can start shifting how we speak to our kids. Small changes in language can create big shifts in how children see themselves.
You don’t have to overhaul everything overnight. Just notice. When you hear yourself saying something that might undermine rather than build, pause. Try something different next time.
Our kids are listening. Not just to what we say, but to what we mean. And when we choose our words with a little more intention, we’re giving them something invaluable: the foundation to believe in themselves, exactly as they are.
