Let’s face it: parenting is tough, beautiful, and messy—often on the same day.
I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know everything. But after raising kids of my own and now chasing grandkids around the park, I’ve seen the same patterns play out again and again.
Good, loving parents (the kind who read Artful Parent) sometimes fall into habits that chip away at a child’s confidence without meaning to. Small things repeated often can echo for years.
Here are ten habits I keep noticing—and kinder, more constructive alternatives you can try today.
1. Bubble-wrapping them from every challenge
When you see your child struggle, everything in you wants to step in. I’ve done it too—hovering near the monkey bars like a nervous air-traffic controller.
The problem? If we protect kids from every bump, they don’t get the practice that builds courage. A scraped knee today can be the tuition fee for grit tomorrow.
Instead of swooping in, try standing close and coaching from the sidelines: “What’s your first step?” “Want to try a different way?” Your presence says, “I’m here,” but your restraint says, “You can.”
Confidence doesn’t come from never falling. It comes from discovering you can get back up.
2. Never letting them take responsibility
Picture this: a bad grade, and the villain is immediately the teacher, the test, the noise in the classroom—anything but your child’s choices. I’ve fallen for that rescue routine. It feels supportive in the moment, but it steals something important: an internal sense of control.
When kids learn to ask, “What could I do differently next time?” they begin to see themselves as capable shapers of their own life, not passengers on someone else’s bus.
A simple script helps: “What part of this is in your control?” “What’s one small change you can try?”
Accountability isn’t punishment—it’s the fast track to self-respect.
3. Overemphasizing achievements
One of my grandkids got knocked out of a soccer tournament early this year.
On our walk home (Lottie the dog leading the parade, nose to the ground), we talked about how effort, kindness to teammates, and bouncing back matter more than a shiny medal.
If praise only arrives when the report card glows or the trophy shelf grows, kids learn to measure their worth by the scoreboard. And when the wins dry up—as they inevitably do—so does their sense of value.
Shift your praise from results to process: “I saw you stick with that math problem for ten minutes,” or “You shared the ball even when you wanted the shot.” This teaches them they’re more than what they produce.
4. Stifling their emotional expression
Back when I was a young dad, I heard a lot of “Big boys don’t cry” and “Don’t be such a baby.” If I’m honest, a couple of those phrases probably slipped out of my own mouth. It didn’t make anyone tougher; it just told big feelings to go underground.
When a child learns there are “good” and “bad” emotions, they also learn parts of themselves are unwelcome. That’s a hit to self-esteem.
A better way: name and normalize. “Looks like you’re disappointed,” “I can see you’re angry,” or “That would hurt my feelings, too.” Naming creates room. Room creates calm. And calm creates better choices.
5. Using fear and intimidation as discipline
Yes, boundaries matter. Kids need structure like trains need tracks. But scaring them into shape—yelling, shaming, threatening—can corral behavior while quietly corroding trust.
Fear teaches kids to hide mistakes instead of learning from them. It also tells them their worth fluctuates with your mood.
Swap threats for clear, consistent consequences: “If you don’t put the tablet away by 7, it’s off tomorrow.” And whenever possible, connect the consequence to the choice (break a toy, earn the money to help replace it). Calm is power here. Your steadiness becomes the safety net that lets them try, fail, fix, and grow.
6. Micromanaging every decision
I’ve caught myself doing this—standing over homework, rearranging art supplies, “editing” a Lego castle that was perfectly fine. The more we script every step, the more kids learn, “My ideas must not be good enough.”
Confidence needs room to breathe.
Offer two or three choices and let them own the outcome: “Red jacket or blue?” “Piano or painting this semester?” Will they sometimes choose poorly? Absolutely.
That’s not a failure; it’s a built-in lesson. As I covered in a previous post, autonomy is the training ground for resilience.
7. Neglecting your own well-being
Children absorb far more from how we live than what we lecture. If we never rest, never reach out, and never admit we’re struggling, they learn that self-neglect is normal.
I’ve learned (late, but learned) that a walk, a talk with a friend, or a few minutes with a book can reset the whole household. When parents model healthy self-care, kids internalize a steady message: “I’m worth caring for, too.”
If you need support, take it. Therapy, a support group, talking with your partner—whatever helps you refill the tank. Your steadiness is a gift your child will feel in their bones.
8. Comparing them to siblings or peers
“You’re so much neater than your brother.” “Why can’t you be more like Emma?” Even when said lightly, comparisons make children scan sideways instead of inward. They start chasing someone else’s strengths and resenting their own.
I once watched two cousins at the park: one cautious, one fearless. The fearless climber drew cheers; the cautious one got well-meaning nudges—“Go on, be brave!” The quiet, careful child looked smaller by the minute.
Try this instead: compare your child to their yesterday. “Last week you wouldn’t touch the climbing wall; today you put a foot up!” Celebrate their unique pace. Self-esteem grows where belonging is unconditional.
9. Using humor that cuts
A joke at a child’s expense can land like a stone. Sarcasm (“Nice job spilling the juice, champ”) or nicknames that highlight a weakness (“The Forgetter-in-Chief”) might get a laugh at the dinner table, but they etch an identity your child then has to carry.
Humor is wonderful glue for families—when it’s not at someone’s core. Make the joke about the situation, not the person. Instead of “You’re such a mess,” try “Looks like the peanut butter staged a jailbreak.”
You keep the lightness, lose the sting, and protect their sense of self.
10. Inconsistent attention and boundaries
Kids test limits; that’s their job. Our job is to keep the fence in the same place. When rules swing with our mood—strict on Monday, checked-out on Tuesday—children feel wobbly inside. Inconsistency quietly whispers, “I’m not important enough for you to stay steady.”
Predictability builds trust. Trust builds confidence.
Try setting simple, visible expectations (a chart, a family meeting, a note on the fridge), then follow through gently but firmly. Pair that with consistent warmth—five minutes of undistracted attention after school can do more for self-worth than a laundry list of compliments.
Putting this into practice
If you read through these and felt a pinch of recognition, join the club. I’ve committed every one of these at some point. This isn’t about perfection; it’s about nudging the needle.
A few practical swaps you can start with today:
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From rescuing to reflecting: When your child hits a snag, ask, “What’s your plan A? What’s plan B?”
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From achievement to effort: Replace “You’re so smart” with “You kept trying even when it got tricky.”
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From fear to fairness: Set a specific, related consequence and apply it calmly.
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From comparison to growth: “You’re becoming more patient with your sister—did you notice that?”
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From sarcasm to support: Trade the zinger for curiosity: “What happened there? How could we avoid it next time?”
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From chaos to consistency: Choose one or two family rules and keep them steady for a month.
A quick word on apologies
One of the most powerful confidence-builders I’ve ever seen is a parent who can say, “I got that wrong. I’m sorry.” It tells a child that mistakes aren’t the end of the story; they’re a bridge to deeper connection. It also teaches them how to make things right when they mess up—which everyone does.
What kids hear beneath our habits
Beneath all of this, children are always listening for two messages:
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“Am I safe with you?” (Your steadiness answers this.)
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“Do I have what it takes?” (Your trust in their effort answers this.)
When our habits say yes to both, their self-belief takes root.
A small anecdote from the park
Not long ago, my youngest grandson froze at the top of a slide—stuck between wanting to go and wanting to retreat. The younger me would have marched up the steps and “helped.” This time I knelt at the bottom and kept my voice calm: “I’m here. You decide. Want to count to three together?” He did. On three, he went—then marched back up to do it again.
He didn’t become fearless that day. He became a little more himself. That’s the win.
Final thoughts
If any of these ten habits are living quietly in your home, don’t beat yourself up. You’re human. Your kids don’t need flawless parents; they need present ones who are willing to learn, repair, and try again tomorrow.
Start small. Pick one habit to retire and one new practice to test this week. Notice what shifts—not just in your child, but in the atmosphere of your home.
I’ll leave you with a question I ask myself often: What would it look like, in this moment, to treat my child as someone already worthy—and capable of growing even more so?
The answer, more often than not, is where their self-esteem begins.
