Let’s be honest: most people won’t tell you when you’re doing something that quietly drains their respect. They’ll nod politely, avoid conflict, and then slowly step back. I’ve learned this the hard way in parenting, at work, and honestly, even in my marriage. Respect isn’t loud or dramatic. It’s built in the small, everyday choices we make, and it’s lost the same way.
Maybe you’ve wondered why certain interactions feel off. Or why people stop opening up to you, stop asking for your input, or keep conversations surface-level. Sometimes it’s not about them. Sometimes it’s about habits we don’t even notice.
Here are nine things you might be doing, and nobody will tell you, that can quietly make people lose respect for you.
1) Talking a big game but never following through
Have you ever promised something in the moment because it felt easier than saying no? I’ve done it. Back before Camille and I built our “division-of-labor check-in” ritual, I’d sometimes say, “Yeah, I’ll take care of that,” knowing full well it would slip to the bottom of my mental pile.
The problem? Every time we make a commitment we don’t follow through on, no matter how small, we chip away at people’s trust. And trust is the backbone of respect.
People notice patterns, even when they don’t mention them. If you’re the coworker who’s “almost done” every week, or the friend who cancels last minute, or the parent who promises a Saturday activity and then shrugs it off, respect fades quietly and steadily.
Start saying fewer empty yeses. Say a real no when you need to. And when you do say yes, treat it like a contract.
2) Always needing to win every conversation
There’s a quote by Epictetus that says, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Whenever I catch myself arguing over something that doesn’t matter, I think of that line.
People lose respect when they feel like you’re more interested in being right than being real. If conversations with you feel like debates, or performances, or traps where the other person has to defend their view, they’ll eventually stop coming to you at all.
Learning to let small things go, especially in parenting partnership, is a superpower. Not every hill needs defending. Not every detail needs correcting. And not every conversation needs a winner.
3) Brushing off other people’s feelings
Here’s something parenting has forced me to confront: emotional dismissal doesn’t only hurt kids. It hurts adults too.
If Elise tells me she’s frustrated, and I respond with something like, “You’re fine,” she shuts down. But the same thing happens with adults. When someone opens up, even a little, and you respond with minimization, jokes, or solutions they didn’t ask for, you lose their respect.
People want to feel seen more than they want to feel fixed.
A friend vents about work? Don’t jump into advice mode.
Your partner says they’re overwhelmed? Don’t respond with “same here.”
A colleague expresses disappointment? Don’t tell them to “look on the bright side.”
Validation doesn’t mean agreement. It means respect.
4) Acting like you’re too busy for the basics of courtesy
I get it. We’re all maxed out. Between daycare runs, Zoom meetings, dinner prep, and whatever Elise decides is an emergency at 7 p.m., time feels tight.
But busyness isn’t a personality trait, and it’s definitely not a free pass.
Little acts of courtesy being on time, replying to messages within a reasonable window, saying thank you, acknowledging someone’s effort are small signals that say:
“I see you. You matter. I respect your time and energy.”
When someone repeatedly acts like everyone else should adjust to their schedule, their chaos, their priorities, respect naturally erodes.
People won’t confront you about it. They’ll just quietly recalibrate how much they invest in you.
5) Letting resentment simmer instead of speaking up
A therapist once told me, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” It hit me hard.
If you’re someone who bottles things up until they fizz into passive-aggressive comments, people will respect you less and trust you less. Nobody wants to feel like they’re walking around landmines they can’t see.
Maybe someone forgot your birthday. Maybe your coworker always dodges responsibility. Maybe your partner made a decision without looping you in.
You don’t have to explode. You just have to speak up.
The most respected people aren’t the quietest, and they’re not the loudest. They’re the ones who communicate clearly without theatrics.
6) Avoiding responsibility when you mess up
Camille and I have a simple rule we repeat often: “Repair over perfection.” Because with little kids, tight schedules, and the general messiness of life, we are going to miss the mark sometimes.
What absolutely destroys respect is pretending you didn’t.
People don’t lose respect because you failed or forgot something. They lose respect when you:
- deflect
- get defensive
- blame others
- rewrite the story
- act like being called out is an attack
Owning your mistakes shows maturity, humility, and self-awareness. And honestly, it makes you easier to love and work with.
“Yeah, that one’s on me. I should have handled it differently.”
It’s amazing how far that one sentence goes.
7) Talking negatively about people behind their backs
I used to work with someone who had a snide comment about everyone bosses, coworkers, her own friends. She wasn’t even malicious. It was just her conversational default.
And for a while, I thought, “Well, at least she trusts me enough to vent.”
But then it hit me: if someone consistently talks down about everyone else, what are the odds they’re not doing the same when I’m not around?
People respect you less when you’re the common denominator in drama.
Vent when needed, we’re human, but don’t make cynicism your home base. The person who can speak honestly without tearing others down is someone others admire.
8) Never setting boundaries and then feeling walked over
I used to confuse being flexible with having no boundaries. Big difference.
If you constantly say yes while your stomach says no, if you take on everyone else’s workload or emotional burdens, if you stretch yourself thin to avoid disappointing others, people won’t respect you more. They’ll respect you less.
Not because they’re cruel, but because you’re signaling that your needs don’t matter.
Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re clarity.
“I can help, but not today.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need a moment before we talk about this.”
The more you honor your limits, the more others learn to honor them too.
9) Making everything a competition, especially struggles
Here’s a confession: when Elise was a newborn, I used to “one-up” tiredness with Camille. She’d say, “I was up twice last night,” and I’d respond with, “Well, I was up three times.” Not because I wanted to win, but because I wanted to be understood.
But I wasn’t creating connection. I was creating distance.
People lose respect when they realize you’re not listening to understand, you’re listening to compare.
Someone tells you they’re stressed? You counter with your own stress.
Someone mentions they’re overwhelmed? You raise the stakes.
Someone opens up about a struggle? You respond with a bigger story.
Struggle is not a scoreboard. It’s a moment of humanity. Respect grows when you let those moments stand without turning them into competitions.
Final thoughts
Respect isn’t something you demand. It’s something you earn in the everyday moments people rarely comment on. The tone you use. The follow-through. The boundaries you honor. The way you show up at home, at work, and when nobody’s watching.
The good news? Every habit on this list is fixable.
You don’t need a personality overhaul. You just need awareness, a pause before reacting, and the willingness to own your patterns.
Small changes ripple. Respect rebuilds. People respond differently when you show up differently.
If any of these hit a little too close to home, don’t worry. It just means you’re paying attention.
