Milo climbed into my lap yesterday morning while I was scrolling through a text thread with my mom. Nothing heavy, just the usual check-in.
But it got me thinking about how much I still need her, even now. Not in the “can you fix this” way I needed her as a kid, but in quieter, deeper ways I’d never actually voice.
And here’s the thing: I’m realizing that need doesn’t expire when we hit eighteen, or thirty, or even fifty. Adult children carry a quiet longing for things from their aging parents that go way beyond practical help or holiday visits.
But most of us? We’ll never say it out loud.
So if you’re a parent watching your kids move through their own grown-up lives (jobs, relationships, maybe kids of their own), this one’s for you. Because what your adult children need from you now might surprise you. And it might be exactly what they’re hoping you’ll offer, even if they never find the words to ask.
1) Permission to still be imperfect
Even when they’re managing mortgages and middle-of-the-night fevers, your adult kids still carry the weight of wanting to make you proud. That pressure doesn’t vanish with age. It just shape-shifts.
What they need, more than they’ll admit, is for you to see them as fully human. Flawed, figuring it out, sometimes barely holding it together.
When you acknowledge your own mistakes or say something like, “I didn’t have it all figured out either at your age,” it’s like releasing a breath they didn’t know they were holding. It gives them space to stop performing and just be.
You don’t have to fix them or rescue them. Just remind them (through your own honesty) that imperfection is part of the deal.
2) Reassurance that they’re doing okay
There’s a scene that plays out in so many adult children’s heads: “Am I messing this up? Would they do it differently? Do they think I’m failing?”
Whether it’s career choices, parenting styles, or relationship decisions, your grown kids are often second-guessing themselves in ways they’d never show you.
They’ve learned to project confidence, but underneath, there’s still that kid who wants to know they’re on the right track.
You don’t need to agree with every choice they make. But hearing “I’m proud of who you’ve become” or “You’re handling this really well” can quiet years of internal doubt.
A simple “You’re doing great” carries more weight than you might think.
3) Stories and context from your own life
When I was younger, I didn’t care much about my parents’ early years.
But now, I find that I’m hungry for it. I want to know what were they afraid of. What did they regret? How did they navigate the parts of life that felt impossible?
Adult children want to know you not just as “Mom” or “Dad,” but as a whole person who lived a full, messy, complicated life before they came along. They want the real stories. The struggles, the doubts, the moments you weren’t sure you’d make it through.
These stories do something powerful: they normalize struggle. They remind your kids that hard seasons are survivable because you survived them.
Time is finite. Those stories won’t be around forever, and your adult children know it, even if they don’t say it.
4) Respect for the life they’ve built
This one’s tricky because it requires letting go in ways that don’t always feel natural. But adult children need you to respect their autonomy, even when you don’t fully understand their choices.
Maybe they’re raising their kids differently than you raised them. Maybe they’ve chosen a career path or lifestyle that doesn’t match what you envisioned. Maybe they’re setting boundaries you find confusing or hurtful.
Here’s what they need: trust that they’re capable of making their own decisions, even the ones that don’t make sense to you.
That doesn’t mean you can’t have opinions. But there’s a difference between offering perspective and undermining their authority in their own lives. Adult children can feel the difference, and it either strengthens your relationship or quietly erodes it.
Respecting their life means seeing them as the expert on what works for them, not as someone who still needs your direction.
5) Acknowledgment of the past (the good and the hard)
Every family has complicated history. Things that were said or left unsaid. Moments that hurt. Patterns that shaped who everyone became.
Adult children often carry unresolved pieces of their childhood. Not because they’re holding grudges, but because those experiences are still part of them. And sometimes, what they need most is for you to acknowledge it.
Not with defensiveness or justifications, but with something like, “I know I didn’t always get it right” or “I’m sorry that was hard for you.”
This isn’t about blame. It’s about giving them permission to name their reality and feel heard. It’s about showing that you’re willing to hold space for the full truth of what family was, not just the sanitized version.
As Rudá Iandê notes in his book Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.”
You don’t have to have been a perfect parent. You just have to be willing to see them fully and let them feel seen.
6) Your presence, not just your proximity
It’s easy to assume that showing up physically is enough. And yes, being there matters. But what adult children are really craving is emotional presence. The kind where you’re genuinely curious about their lives, not just skimming the surface.
Ask them real questions. Not “How’s work?” but “What’s been weighing on you lately?” or “What’s bringing you joy right now?”
Listen without immediately offering solutions or shifting the conversation back to yourself. Put the phone down. Make eye contact. Show them that they still matter to you as individuals, not just as roles in the family system.
Presence is what makes adult children feel like they still have a parent, not just someone they visit out of obligation.
7) To know you’re taking care of yourself
This might be the hardest one to hear, but it’s true: your adult children worry about you.
They notice when you’re not eating well, when you’re isolating, when you’re clinging too tightly or letting things slide. They see the ways aging is changing you, and it scares them more than they’ll admit.
What they need (desperately) is to know that you’re still engaged with your own life. That you have interests, friendships, purpose. That you’re not just waiting for them to show up and fill the gaps.
When you take care of yourself, it gives them permission to live their own lives without guilt. It shows them that you’re still a whole person with agency and joy, not someone they need to rescue or manage.
Conclusion
The relationship between aging parents and adult children is one of the most tender, complicated dynamics we navigate. It’s full of love, yes, but also unspoken needs, old wounds, and the quiet hope that connection can deepen rather than fade.
Your adult children might never ask for these things directly. But if you offer them these things, you’ll be giving them something they’ll carry for the rest of their lives.
And maybe that’s the greatest gift a parent can give: not just raising a child, but continuing to see, support, and show up for the adult they’ve become.
