My mother-in-law lives in Santiago, and every time we visit with Emilia, I watch how she lights up around her granddaughter. The connection is real and warm. But I’ve also seen the opposite play out with other families, where grandparents wonder why their grown kids don’t bring the little ones around as often.
It’s rarely about one big thing. Usually, it’s a pattern of small behaviors that pile up over time. The tricky part? Most grandparents don’t even realize they’re doing it.
If you’re noticing fewer visits than you’d like, here are some habits that might be getting in the way.
1. You critique parenting choices in front of the kids
When you question how your adult children feed, dress, or discipline their kids, especially in front of those same kids, it creates tension. Parents feel undermined. Kids pick up on the friction.
I’ve watched this happen at family gatherings. A grandmother comments on screen time or bedtime routines, and suddenly the room feels tight. The parents don’t say much, but the next visit gets postponed.
Parents are doing their best with the tools and knowledge they have. Even if you raised your kids differently, that doesn’t mean your way was the only right way. Things change. Research evolves. What worked in the 1980s might not fit today’s world.
If you have concerns, bring them up privately and with curiosity, not judgment. Ask questions instead of making statements. “I noticed you’re doing this differently. Can you tell me more about why?” works better than “We never did it that way.”
2. You ignore boundaries around food and treats
Sneaking candy to kids when parents said no might feel like harmless grandparent fun, but it sends a message: your rules don’t matter here.
Parents set food boundaries for all kinds of reasons. Allergies, sugar sensitivity, family values, or just trying to avoid a meltdown at bedtime. When you go behind their back, you’re not just giving a treat. You’re teaching kids that the rules their parents set can be bent if they ask the right person.
I get it. You want to be the fun one. But fun doesn’t have to come at the cost of respect. There are so many other ways to create joy without crossing lines. Play a game, tell a story, build something together. Those moments stick with kids way longer than a piece of chocolate ever will.
3. You expect visits to revolve around your schedule
Families with young kids are running on a tight routine. Naps, meals, bedtime. When you insist they come over at a time that doesn’t work for them, or expect them to stay past the baby’s sleep window, you’re making the visit harder than it needs to be.
A cranky toddler makes everyone miserable. Parents know this. They’re not being difficult when they say they need to leave by a certain time or can’t make it to a late afternoon gathering. They’re just trying to keep things from falling apart.
Flexibility goes a long way. Offer a few time options. Be willing to meet them halfway, whether that’s adjusting your dinner time or visiting them instead. When you make it easier for them to show up, they’re more likely to do it.
4. You complain about how little they visit
Guilt doesn’t bring people closer. It pushes them away.
When you start a visit with “It’s been so long” or “You never come see me anymore,” you’re putting a weight on something that should feel light and joyful. Instead of focusing on the fact that they’re there now, you’re making them feel bad about what they didn’t do.
Parents are juggling a lot. Work, kids, their own exhaustion. They’re doing the best they can. When they do make the effort to visit, let that be enough. Welcome them warmly. Focus on the time you have together instead of the time you didn’t.
If you want more visits, make the time you do have together so enjoyable that they look forward to coming back.
5. You make everything about “back in my day”
Comparing their parenting to how you did things decades ago can feel dismissive. Times have changed. Car seat laws are different. Sleep recommendations are different. The way we talk about emotions and discipline has shifted.
When you constantly reference how you raised your kids, it can sound like you’re saying they’re doing it wrong. That’s not a good feeling for anyone.
Your experience has value, but so does theirs. They’re living in a different world with different information. Instead of framing your advice as “this is how it should be done,” try sharing what worked for you while leaving space for them to make their own choices.
Curiosity and respect open doors. Comparisons close them.
6. You overstep with unsolicited advice
There’s a difference between sharing wisdom and inserting yourself into decisions that aren’t yours to make.
Parents are figuring things out as they go, just like you did. They might be trying a new sleep method, navigating picky eating, or dealing with tantrums. Unless they ask for your input, offering constant suggestions can feel overwhelming.
Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman, who studies estrangement and family dynamics, has noted that one of the most common complaints adult children have about their parents is feeling judged or controlled. When grandparents can’t hold back from giving advice on everything, it creates distance.
Sometimes the best support you can offer is just being present. Listen when they vent. Validate how hard it is. Save the advice for when they actually want it.
7. You play favorites among grandchildren
Kids notice when one sibling or cousin gets more attention, gifts, or praise than another. So do the parents.
Maybe you’re closer with one grandchild because they’re older, or easier, or remind you of someone. But treating them differently creates hurt feelings and resentment that can last years.
I’ve seen this dynamic in families I know. One grandmother always brought gifts for the older granddaughter but not the younger one. The parents started limiting visits because they didn’t want their youngest to feel less important. It wasn’t intentional, but the impact was real.
If you’re spending time or money on one grandchild, make sure you’re doing the same for the others. Fairness matters, especially to the parents watching.
8. You dismiss their stress or exhaustion
When parents say they’re tired or overwhelmed, responding with “we all went through it” or “you just need to toughen up” doesn’t help. It makes them feel unheard.
Parenting young kids is relentless. The lack of sleep, the constant needs, the mental load of keeping everyone fed, safe, and on schedule. It’s a lot. Even if you did it too, that doesn’t make what they’re going through any less real.
Validation costs nothing. “That sounds really hard” or “I can see how exhausted you are” goes further than any comparison. Better yet, offer help. Watch the kids so they can take a nap. Bring over a meal. Do something that lightens their load instead of minimizing it.
Final thoughts
Relationships with grandchildren are built on trust, respect, and showing up in ways that actually help. The good news? Most of these habits are fixable once you’re aware of them.
If you want more time with your grandkids, start by making the time you do have together feel easy and joyful. Respect the parents. Follow their lead. Be flexible. Show up without expectations or complaints.
The connection you’re hoping for is possible. It just takes a willingness to look honestly at your own behavior and make some adjustments. That’s something any of us can do.
