I met a woman at a café in Itaim Bibi last month who told me her story over coffee. She’d lost her business during the pandemic, went through a bitter divorce, and was rebuilding her life from scratch at 45. Yet when the barista accidentally spilled her drink, she smiled and said, “Don’t worry, we all have those days.”
That moment stuck with me. Life had thrown her some serious punches, but there was something untouched in the way she moved through the world. It made me think about the people I know who’ve been through hell and back but somehow kept their hearts soft.
Here’s what I’ve noticed about them.
1. They celebrate other people’s wins without keeping score
You know those people who genuinely light up when something good happens to you? That’s rare. Most of us have a little voice that compares and measures, especially when we’re struggling ourselves.
I have a friend in São Paulo who’s been job hunting for months. When I told her about a promotion I got, her face broke into this huge smile. She asked me all about it, wanted to hear every detail. Not once did she make it about her own situation.
People with pure hearts don’t see life as a zero-sum game. Your success doesn’t diminish theirs. They understand that joy multiplies when it’s shared, and they choose to be happy for you even when their own circumstances are tough.
2. They’re kind to service workers and people who can’t do anything for them
The way someone treats a waiter, a janitor, or a delivery person tells you everything. When life has been hard, some people become bitter and take it out on whoever’s convenient. Others go the opposite direction.
Watch how they interact with the person cleaning their building or the cashier at the grocery store. Do they make eye contact? Say thank you? Ask how their day is going?
I notice this every time Matias and I go out for our weekly date nights. The people who’ve known real struggle tend to see service workers as actual humans, not background characters. They tip well, they’re patient when things go wrong, and they never use someone’s job title as a reason to treat them as less than.
3. They don’t weaponize their trauma
Here’s something I’ve seen too many times. Someone goes through something terrible, and suddenly it becomes their excuse for everything. They use their pain as a license to hurt others or avoid responsibility.
Pure-hearted people process their trauma differently. They acknowledge what happened to them without making it everyone else’s problem. As psychologist Edith Eger has noted, “Suffering is universal, but victimhood is optional.”
They might talk about their experiences when it’s relevant or helpful, but they’re not constantly dropping their pain into conversations to win arguments or guilt people into giving them a pass. They know that what happened to them was wrong, but they don’t let it become an identity or a weapon.
4. They can sit with someone else’s pain without trying to fix it
Most people get uncomfortable around grief or struggle. We want to solve it, minimize it, or change the subject. It’s awkward to just be there with someone who’s hurting.
But people who’ve been through their own darkness know how to hold space. They don’t rush in with advice or platitudes. They don’t try to one-up your story with their own. They just listen.
Last year, when I was struggling with postpartum anxiety after Emilia was born, one of my girlfriends would come over and just sit with me. She didn’t try to convince me I was being irrational or tell me about how her experience was different. She brought me food, held the baby when I needed to cry, and never once made me feel broken.
That’s the difference. Pure hearts know that sometimes people just need to be seen and heard, not fixed.
5. They’re honest even when lying would be easier
Life gets complicated. There are so many moments where a small lie would smooth things over, save face, or avoid conflict. Most of us take those shortcuts sometimes.
But I’ve noticed that people with genuine goodness in them have this thing about honesty. Even when it costs them something. Even when the truth is uncomfortable or makes them look bad.
They’ll admit when they’re wrong. They’ll tell you the hard thing you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. They won’t throw someone under the bus to save themselves. Research from the University of Notre Dame found that people who tell fewer lies report better mental and physical health, suggesting that honesty aligns with overall wellbeing.
There’s this quiet integrity in how they move through the world. Their word means something because they don’t give it lightly.
6. They forgive, but they’re not doormats
Forgiveness is tricky. Some people think it means letting others walk all over them repeatedly. Others refuse to forgive anything ever and carry resentment like a badge of honor.
Pure-hearted people find this middle path. They can let go of anger and move past hurt without pretending it didn’t happen. They don’t need revenge, but they also don’t need to keep toxic people in their lives.
I’ve watched my neighbor in our building do this with her sister. Years of broken promises and manipulative behavior finally led her to create distance. But she did it without hatred. She wished her sister well and meant it, while also protecting herself from future harm.
That’s the balance. They know forgiveness is for their own peace, not permission for bad behavior to continue.
7. They notice the small things about people
When you’re wrapped up in your own suffering, it’s easy to become self-absorbed. Everything becomes about you and your pain. Pure hearts somehow avoid that trap.
They remember that you mentioned a job interview and ask how it went. They notice when you get a haircut. They pick up on the fact that you’re quieter than usual and gently check in.
Matias does this beautifully. Even during our busiest weeks when we’re both exhausted from work and parenting, he’ll notice if I’m stressed and suggest we order in instead of me cooking. Or he’ll remember I said I missed a specific snack from back home and surprise me with it.
These aren’t grand gestures. They’re tiny acts of attention that say, “I see you. You matter.”
8. They can be happy alone
People who need constant validation or distraction often have unhealed wounds they’re running from. Pure-hearted people who’ve done the work don’t need to fill every silence with noise or every moment with company.
They’re comfortable in their own skin. They can spend an evening by themselves without feeling lonely or reaching for their phone to numb the quiet. They’ve made peace with who they are, flaws and all.
This doesn’t mean they’re antisocial. They love connection and community. But they don’t need it to feel whole. There’s a completeness in them that exists independent of external validation.
9. They give without keeping a mental ledger
Some people help others but remember every favor. They bring it up later when they need something. They keep score and expect exact returns on their investments.
That’s not generosity. That’s transactional thinking dressed up as kindness.
Real pure hearts give because it feels right, not because they expect payback. They help you move without mentioning it every time you see them. They lend you money and genuinely mean it when they say not to worry about paying it back quickly.
Resentment often builds when we give with strings attached. Pure hearts avoid that trap by being honest about what they can offer and then offering it freely.
10. They still believe people are fundamentally good
This one gets me every time. After everything they’ve been through, after being betrayed or hurt or disappointed, they still approach new people with openness.
They’re not naive. They have boundaries and they’re careful. But they haven’t let their experiences make them cynical or suspicious of everyone. They still see the best in people until given a clear reason not to.
My mother-in-law in Santiago is like this. She’s been through some genuinely awful situations with people who took advantage of her kindness. But when she meets someone new, she still leads with warmth and trust. She believes in second chances and human potential.
It would be so much easier to shut down and assume the worst. But she chooses to stay open. That takes real strength.
Final thoughts
I think about that woman in the café sometimes. How easy it would have been for her to become hard and bitter. To snap at the barista or carry her disappointments like armor.
Instead, she chose something different. She chose to protect the soft parts of herself even when the world gave her every reason not to.
That’s what purity of heart really is. Not innocence or naivety, but a conscious decision to remain kind and open despite knowing exactly how cruel life can be. It’s strength disguised as gentleness, and wisdom that looks like simplicity.
The people who have it are rare and precious. And if you’re one of them, know that it matters more than you realize.
