I was at a café last week, waiting for my cortado, when I overheard a woman on the phone say, “Well, what can you do? That’s just how life is.” She said it with this flat, resigned tone that made me pause mid-scroll through my Instagram feed.
It got me thinking about how we talk to ourselves and others when we’ve started to quietly check out of our own happiness. Not in some dramatic, obvious way, but in small surrenders that add up over time.
The language we use reveals more than we think. When certain phrases become part of our regular vocabulary, they’re often signs that we’ve stopped believing things can get better. Here are nine phrases that might mean someone has given up on happiness without even realizing it.
1. “That’s just how I am”
This one comes up a lot in conversations about personal habits or patterns. Someone mentions they’re always late, always anxious in social situations, or always quick to anger, and then they shrug it off with this phrase.
The problem is that it treats personality like it’s set in stone. It shuts down the possibility of growth before you even try. I used to say this about being disorganized until I realized I was just avoiding the work of building better systems.
When you label something as unchangeable, you remove your own agency. You’re basically saying, “I’m stuck, and I’m fine with being stuck.” But most of us aren’t actually fine with it. We’re just tired of trying.
Real change takes effort, and sometimes it’s easier to accept a version of yourself that you’re not happy with than to do the hard work of becoming someone different.
2. “I don’t have time for that”
We all say this occasionally, and sometimes it’s true. But when it becomes your default response to anything that might bring you joy, it’s worth examining.
I hear this from friends who claim they don’t have time to read, exercise, or see people they care about. Yet somehow they find hours to scroll social media or binge shows they don’t even enjoy that much. The truth is usually that we make time for what we prioritize.
Saying you don’t have time is often code for “I don’t think this matters enough” or “I’m too overwhelmed to add one more thing.” Both are understandable. But when you repeatedly use this phrase to avoid activities that might actually make you happier, you’re trading short-term comfort for long-term dissatisfaction.
Time is the one resource we can’t get back. When you constantly say you don’t have it for things that matter, you’re essentially saying your happiness isn’t worth protecting.
3. “It is what it is”
This phrase has become so common that we barely notice when we use it. On the surface, it sounds like acceptance, maybe even wisdom. But dig a little deeper and it’s often just resignation dressed up as peace.
True acceptance involves processing your feelings and then choosing how to move forward. This phrase skips all that and goes straight to giving up. It’s the verbal equivalent of a shrug.
I caught myself saying this about my work situation a few months ago. I was frustrated with how a project was going, but instead of addressing it, I just kept repeating “it is what it is” like a mantra. A friend finally called me out and asked if I’d actually tried to change anything or if I’d just decided to be miserable about it.
That conversation stung because she was right. I was using the phrase to avoid taking responsibility for my own dissatisfaction.
4. “I’m too old for that”
Age becomes an excuse for so many things. Too old to learn a new skill. Too old to make new friends. Too old to try something that sounds fun but unfamiliar.
My American neighbor in São Paulo is 68 and just started taking Portuguese classes because she wants to read Brazilian literature in its original language. Meanwhile, I know people in their thirties who’ve already decided they’re too old to change careers or pick up a hobby.
Age has nothing to do with it. What this phrase really means is “I’m scared of looking foolish” or “I don’t want to be a beginner at something.” The fear is real, but calling it an age thing lets you off the hook too easily.
When you stop trying new things because of your age, you’re limiting your world based on a number instead of your actual capacity or desire.
5. “Nothing ever works out for me”
This one’s particularly damaging because it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you genuinely believe that nothing works out, you stop putting in real effort. Why would you, if the outcome is predetermined?
I’ve noticed this pattern in how people talk about relationships, job searches, and even small daily frustrations. One setback becomes evidence of a permanent pattern of failure.
The reality is that some things work out and some don’t. That’s true for everyone. But when you focus only on what didn’t work, you train your brain to expect disappointment. Psychologists call this a negative attribution style, and research shows it’s strongly linked to depression and learned helplessness.
Your brain is designed to look for patterns. If you keep telling it that nothing works out, it will find evidence to support that belief everywhere you look.
6. “I guess I should be grateful”
Gratitude is powerful when it’s genuine. But when it’s used to dismiss your own legitimate feelings, it becomes a way to silence yourself.
This phrase usually comes up when someone is unhappy but feels like they don’t have the right to be. “My job is soul-crushing, but I guess I should be grateful to have one.” “My relationship feels empty, but I guess I should be grateful I’m not alone.”
There’s a difference between practicing gratitude and using it as a weapon against yourself. You can be grateful for what you have while still acknowledging that something isn’t working. These feelings can coexist.
When you constantly use gratitude to talk yourself out of wanting more or better, you’re teaching yourself that your needs don’t matter as much as appearing content.
7. “That’s just life”
Similar to “it is what it is,” but with an extra layer of fatalism. This phrase suggests that suffering and dissatisfaction are just part of the human experience, so why fight it?
Yes, life includes hardship. But it also includes joy, growth, and moments of real connection. When you default to “that’s just life” every time something goes wrong, you’re treating happiness like it’s naive or childish to pursue.
I heard this phrase constantly growing up, usually from adults who seemed exhausted by their own choices. It always made me sad because it felt like they’d given up on the possibility that things could be different.
Accepting reality doesn’t mean surrendering to every difficult circumstance. Sometimes life is hard, and sometimes life is hard because we’re not making the changes we need to make.
8. “I don’t really care anymore”
Apathy is one of the quietest forms of giving up. When you stop caring, you stop engaging. You stop trying. You stop hoping.
This phrase shows up when people talk about their work, their appearance, their relationships, or their future. “I don’t really care what we do this weekend.” “I don’t really care how the project turns out.” “I don’t really care if they’re upset with me.”
Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes we genuinely don’t have a preference or investment in something. But when it becomes your default state, when you stop caring about most things in your life, that’s not freedom or zen-like detachment. That’s depression wearing a disguise.
Caring makes you vulnerable. It means things can hurt you or disappoint you. But it’s also the only way to experience real satisfaction and joy.
9. “Maybe in another life”
This is how people talk about their dreams when they’ve stopped believing in them. “Maybe in another life I’d be a writer.” “Maybe in another life I’d live by the ocean.” “Maybe in another life I’d be brave enough to try.”
The phrase creates distance between who you are and who you wish you were. It’s a way of acknowledging desire while simultaneously giving yourself permission to never pursue it.
What’s especially sad about this one is that it treats this life like a dress rehearsal. As if somewhere there’s another version of you who gets to do all the things this version is too scared or tired or resigned to attempt.
You don’t get another life. This is the one you’re living right now. When you constantly push your dreams into some imaginary future existence, you’re avoiding the discomfort of either going after what you want or genuinely letting it go.
Final thoughts
Language shapes reality more than we realize. The phrases we repeat become the lens through which we see our lives and our possibilities.
I’m not saying you need to force positivity or pretend everything is great when it’s not. That’s exhausting and dishonest. But there’s a difference between acknowledging difficulties and resigning yourself to them.
If you catch yourself using these phrases regularly, it might be worth asking what you’ve given up on and why. Sometimes the answer is that you’re genuinely at peace with your choices. But more often, it’s that you’ve stopped believing change is possible.
Once you notice the patterns in your language, you can start questioning the beliefs underneath them. And once you question those beliefs, you can decide whether you actually agree with them or if they’re just stories you’ve been telling yourself for so long that they feel like truth.
