My daughter Emilia is only one, but I already think about what kind of relationship she’ll have with her grandparents as she grows up. We fly to Santiago regularly so she can spend time with my husband’s parents, and once a year we make the long trip to Central Asia to see mine.
I watch how they interact with her. The joy on their faces when she runs to them. The pride when she learns something new. But there could also be small moments that could create distance, the well-meaning gestures that wouldn’t land quite right.
Here’s what I’ve observed about the habits that can quietly push grandchildren away, even when grandparents mean well.
1. Undermining parents in front of the kids
When a grandparent says “your mom is being too strict” or slips a child candy after the parents said no, it feels harmless in the moment. But it chips away at the trust between generations.
Kids are smart. They pick up on these dynamics fast and learn to play one side against the other. The real damage happens when parents start limiting time with grandparents because they can’t count on them to respect boundaries.
I’ve seen this play out with friends whose parents constantly second-guess their parenting choices out loud. The kids get confused about who’s actually in charge, and the parents pull back to protect their authority.
2. Bringing up past family drama or criticizing the other parent
Some grandparents can’t resist commenting on their child’s ex-partner or airing old grievances in front of the grandkids. Maybe they think the kids are too young to understand, or that they’re just being honest.
But children absorb everything. When they hear negative comments about their mom or dad, they internalize it. They feel caught in the middle of something they didn’t create and can’t fix.
Over time, visiting grandma or grandpa starts to feel heavy instead of fun. The safest choice becomes staying away.
3. Expecting to be prioritized over the child’s other activities and commitments
Life with kids is busy. Between school, sports, friends, and family time, schedules fill up fast. When grandparents guilt-trip parents for not visiting enough or make passive-aggressive comments about being forgotten, it creates resentment.
I get that it hurts to feel like you’re not a priority. But kids have their own lives, and parents are trying to balance a lot. Flexibility and understanding go much further than guilt.
The grandparents who stay connected are the ones who adapt to the family’s rhythm instead of demanding everyone revolve around theirs.
4. Making everything about themselves
Some grandparents turn every conversation back to their own experiences or needs. When a grandchild shares something exciting, the response is “that reminds me of when I…” followed by a long story. Or they spend the whole visit talking about their health issues without asking the kids about their lives.
Grandparents who stay emotionally attuned to their grandchildren build stronger bonds. It’s about showing genuine interest in their world, not just waiting for your turn to talk.
Kids notice when someone is truly listening versus just being polite. They gravitate toward people who make them feel seen.
5. Playing favorites among grandchildren
This one is brutal because the damage often lasts a lifetime. Maybe one grandchild gets more gifts, more attention, or more praise. The reasons vary. Sometimes it’s about gender, birth order, or which child reminds the grandparent of someone they loved.
But the child who feels less favored remembers. They grow up knowing they weren’t quite good enough for grandma’s full love. That hurt doesn’t just disappear when they become adults.
The kids who were favored often feel uncomfortable too. They sense the unfairness even if they benefit from it.
6. Refusing to respect the parents’ rules and values
Every family has their own approach to screen time, food, bedtime, and discipline. When grandparents consistently ignore these guidelines because they think they know better, it creates conflict.
I’ve heard grandparents say things like “a little TV never hurt anyone” or “I raised five kids, I know what I’m doing.” Maybe that’s true, but these aren’t your kids to raise. These are your grandchildren, and their parents get to set the rules.
When grandparents support parenting decisions rather than undermining them, family relationships stay healthier across generations. It’s not about agreeing with every choice, but about respecting the parents’ role.
When grandparents can’t do this, parents eventually stop bringing the kids around. It’s easier than constantly managing the tension.
7. Being emotionally unavailable or distant
Some grandparents show up physically but aren’t really present. They’re on their phones, talking to other adults, or just going through the motions. The visits happen, but there’s no real connection.
Kids can tell the difference between someone who’s happy to see them and someone who’s just fulfilling an obligation. They stop trying to engage when their efforts aren’t met with warmth.
I think about the times we visit Santiago and how present Matias’s parents are with Emilia. They get on the floor to play with her. They ask her questions and listen to her babble like it’s the most important conversation in the world. That’s what builds lasting bonds.
8. Sharing too much personal information or involving kids in adult problems
There’s a line between being real with your grandchildren and burdening them with things they’re too young to handle. Some grandparents cross it by complaining about money troubles, health scares, or relationship issues with the child’s parents.
Kids want to help the people they love. When grandparents lean on them emotionally, they feel responsible for problems they can’t solve. It’s too much weight for young shoulders.
The healthiest relationships have appropriate boundaries. Grandparents can be human and authentic without making their grandchildren into therapists.
9. Holding grudges and keeping score
Maybe the parents forgot to call on Mother’s Day. Maybe they didn’t invite you to something. Maybe they made a choice you didn’t like. Some grandparents hold onto these slights and bring them up repeatedly, or they withdraw affection as punishment.
This scorekeeping poisons relationships. The grandparents who maintain strong connections are the ones who practice forgiveness and move forward rather than dwelling on past hurts.
Kids grow up watching how their grandparents treat their parents. They see the coldness, the silent treatment, the comments designed to wound. When they’re old enough to choose, they often choose to stay away from that dynamic.
Final thoughts
Being a grandparent is a gift, but it doesn’t come with automatic closeness. The relationship has to be built on respect, warmth, and genuine interest in who these kids are becoming.
The grandparents who get this right are the ones kids run to, not away from. They’re flexible without being pushovers. They’re present without being intrusive. They support the parents even when they disagree.
I hope that when Emilia is older, she’ll have strong connections with all her grandparents. That means I need to model the kind of boundaries and communication that make those relationships possible. And it means her grandparents need to show up in ways that make her feel loved, respected, and truly seen.
The best part about these relationships? When they work, everyone wins. Kids get extra love and wisdom. Parents get support. And grandparents get to watch their legacy grow in the most beautiful way possible.
