I used to think I was giving Emilia freedom. She’s only a year old, but I let her explore the kitchen while I cook, climb onto the couch by herself, and figure out how her toys work without jumping in to show her. Then I visited my friend’s house and watched her hover over her three-year-old during every single activity. “Be careful with that.” “No, not like that.” “Let me do it for you.”
It hit me how differently we were approaching parenting. I realized that some of the most well-meaning parents accidentally slip into controlling language without even noticing. They think they’re being helpful or protective, but the words they choose can actually limit their child’s growth and independence.
Here are the phrases that give it away.
1. “Let me do it for you”
This one seems helpful on the surface. Your kid is struggling with their shoelaces or trying to pour juice, and you want to speed things up or prevent a mess. So you step in and take over.
The problem is that children learn through trial and error. When you constantly take over, you’re sending the message that they’re not capable of figuring it out themselves. They start to doubt their own abilities and wait for you to solve every small problem.
I’ve caught myself wanting to do this with Emilia when she’s trying to stack her blocks. She gets frustrated when the tower falls, and my instinct is to build it for her so she can be happy again. But then I remember that the frustration is part of the learning. She needs to figure out balance and coordination on her own.
According to experts, children who are constantly helped develop learned helplessness, where they stop trying because they expect someone else will do it for them. That’s not the kind of adult I want to raise.
2. “You need to be more careful”
I hear this phrase at the playground constantly. A kid climbs a little too high on the jungle gym, and the parent immediately calls out from below with a worried tone.
Sure, safety matters. But when you repeat this phrase over and over, kids start to see the world as dangerous. They become overly cautious and miss out on the physical challenges that build confidence and coordination.
There’s a difference between actual danger and age-appropriate risk. Emilia loves to climb onto our low couch. Could she fall? Sure. But the couch is low, there’s nothing sharp around, and I’m nearby if she needs help. She’s learning about her body and what it can do.
When parents constantly warn about being careful, they’re projecting their own anxiety onto their children. Kids pick up on that energy and start to feel anxious themselves, even in situations that are perfectly safe for their developmental stage.
3. “Why didn’t you listen to me?”
This phrase usually comes out after a kid makes a mistake that the parent predicted. Maybe they refused to wear a jacket and got cold, or they didn’t want to eat before leaving the house and got hungry later.
The parent feels vindicated because they were right, but saying this phrase out loud doesn’t teach the lesson you think it does. Instead of learning from the natural consequence, the child learns that their parent’s role is to say “I told you so” when things go wrong.
Natural consequences are powerful teachers. When Emilia eventually touches something warm after I’ve warned her, she’ll learn much more from that experience than from me lecturing about why she should have listened. My job is to keep her safe from actual harm, not to prevent every uncomfortable feeling.
Kids need room to make small mistakes while the stakes are still low. That’s how they develop judgment and learn to trust their own instincts instead of always looking to someone else for answers.
4. “I know what’s best for you”
This phrase shuts down conversation completely. It tells the child that their thoughts, feelings, and preferences don’t matter because the parent has already decided.
Sure, parents have more life experience and wisdom. But children are still individuals with their own preferences and personalities. When you dismiss their input entirely, you’re teaching them that their voice doesn’t count.
I’ve seen parents use this phrase about everything from what activities their kids should try to what friends they should have. The parent might genuinely believe they know best, but they’re not allowing their child to develop their own sense of self.
As noted by child development experts, children who grow up without having their opinions valued often struggle to make decisions as adults. They either become overly dependent on others or they rebel completely and refuse all guidance, even when it would be helpful.
There’s a balance between guiding your child and controlling them. You can share your perspective and explain your reasoning without dismissing theirs entirely.
5. “That’s not how you should feel”
This one makes me cringe every time I hear it. A child is upset about something the parent thinks is silly, so they try to talk them out of the feeling. “You shouldn’t be scared of that.” “There’s no reason to be angry.” “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”
Feelings aren’t logical. They just exist. When you tell a child their emotions are wrong, you’re teaching them to distrust their own internal experience. They learn to hide how they really feel and show you what they think you want to see instead.
I try to acknowledge Emilia’s feelings even when they seem disproportionate to the situation. If she’s upset because I moved her cup to the other side of the table, I don’t tell her she’s being ridiculous. I say something like “I see you’re frustrated” and let her work through it.
According to psychologists, emotional regulation develops when children’s feelings are acknowledged and validated. When parents dismiss emotions, children don’t learn how to process them in healthy ways.
6. “Because I said so”
This is probably the most classic controlling phrase. It ends the conversation and makes it clear that the parent’s authority is the only thing that matters.
Sometimes you genuinely don’t have time for a long explanation. I get that. But when this becomes your default response, you’re missing opportunities to help your child understand reasoning and logic.
When Matias and I make decisions about Emilia, we try to explain why in simple terms she can understand. If we say no to something, we give a reason. As she gets older, this will help her develop critical thinking skills instead of just following rules blindly.
Children who only hear “because I said so” often become either overly compliant or they rebel as soon as they’re old enough to push back. Neither outcome is ideal. You want to raise someone who can think for themselves and make good decisions based on reasoning, not fear of authority.
7. “You’re too young to understand”
This phrase dismisses a child’s curiosity and intelligence. Yes, there are age-appropriate ways to explain complex topics, but that doesn’t mean you should shut down the conversation entirely.
Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. They pick up on tension, worry, and changes in routine even when we try to hide things. When you refuse to explain anything because they’re “too young,” they fill in the gaps with their imagination, which is often worse than the truth.
I’ve watched friends use this phrase to avoid uncomfortable conversations about everything from family conflicts to why certain rules exist. The child learns that asking questions gets them nowhere, so they stop asking. Then parents wonder why their teenager never talks to them about what’s going on in their life.
You can simplify explanations without lying or shutting down curiosity. Respect that your child is trying to make sense of their world, and help them do that in an age-appropriate way.
Final thoughts
Parenting is hard. We all want to protect our kids and help them succeed. But there’s a difference between guidance and control.
The phrases that slip out when you’re tired or stressed can reveal a pattern of not trusting your child to learn, grow, and make age-appropriate decisions. When you catch yourself using these phrases, pause and think about what message you’re really sending.
I’m not perfect at this. Sometimes I want to jump in and fix everything for Emilia because it’s faster or cleaner or less frustrating. But I’m learning that my job isn’t to prevent her from struggling. It’s to give her space to figure things out while keeping her safe from actual harm.
The goal is to raise capable, confident adults who trust themselves and know how to navigate the world. That starts with the language we use every single day.
