Look, I’ll admit something that took me years to figure out: sometimes the very things we think show love to our adult children actually push them away.
After retiring at sixty-three when my company offered a restructuring package, I suddenly had all this time to reflect on family relationships.
What I discovered wasn’t always comfortable. Those monthly visits from my sons that had become shorter and shorter?
The phone calls that felt rushed? Turns out, I was part of the problem.
If you’re wondering why your adult children seem to find excuses to skip visits or cut them short, you might be making some of the same mistakes I did. Here are nine common behaviors that make adult children dread coming home.
1. Treating them like they’re still teenagers
Remember when your kid was sixteen and you’d remind them to wear a jacket? Well, they’re thirty-five now, and they probably know when they’re cold.
I used to greet my sons with a checklist: “Did you get your oil changed? Are you eating enough vegetables? You look tired.” What I thought was caring came across as treating them like they couldn’t manage basic life tasks.
Adult children need to feel respected as the independent people they’ve become. Save the parenting mode for actual emergencies, not every interaction.
2. Making every conversation about what they’re doing wrong
My younger son once told me something that stung: he said talking to me felt like getting a performance review from a boss who only noticed mistakes. Ouch.
But he was right. Every conversation started with good intentions but somehow morphed into me pointing out what needed fixing. Their career choices, their parenting style, their spending habits. No wonder they stopped sharing details about their lives.
As I’ve mentioned before in a previous post, most problems between people come down to poor communication and unspoken expectations. Once I learned to ask questions instead of offering opinions, something magical happened. My sons actually started talking to me more.
3. Guilt-tripping them about visit frequency
“I guess you’re too busy for your old parents.” “We never see you anymore.” “Your cousin visits his mother every week.”
Sound familiar? These phrases might slip out when we’re feeling neglected, but they’re relationship poison. Guilt doesn’t create genuine connection. It creates obligation and resentment.
Your adult children have jobs, relationships, maybe kids of their own. Their world has expanded beyond the family home, and that’s actually a sign you did something right as a parent.
4. Refusing to acknowledge they’ve changed
Here’s something that haunts me: I spent years pushing my older son toward a career path that made perfect sense on paper but was completely wrong for him. Even after he changed directions, I kept bringing up that original plan like he’d made a mistake.
Your children aren’t the same people who left for college. They’ve had experiences, formed new opinions, maybe even changed their values. When we keep relating to who they were instead of who they are, we miss the chance to actually know them as adults.
5. Making their visit about your agenda
Picture this: your kids finally visit, and you’ve got a list. Fix the computer. Move furniture. Listen to complaints about the neighbors. Sit through photo albums from 1987.
While sharing memories and asking for help isn’t wrong, turning every visit into your personal to-do list sends the message that you value what they can do for you more than their company. Is it any wonder they start finding excuses to stay away?
6. Dismissing their struggles because “you had it harder”
“When I was your age, we didn’t complain about work-life balance.” “You think buying a house is hard now? Let me tell you about interest rates in the eighties.”
Every generation faces different challenges. Dismissing their struggles by comparing them to yours doesn’t help. It just makes them feel unheard and invalidated. They stop sharing their problems, and eventually, they stop sharing much of anything.
7. Violating their privacy and boundaries
Going through their old room and throwing things away without asking. Sharing their personal information with relatives. Showing up unannounced at their home. Reading their social media posts out loud at family dinners.
Boundaries aren’t about keeping you out. They’re about maintaining healthy relationships. When we respect their privacy, we show that we see them as separate adults, not extensions of ourselves.
8. Playing favorites or making comparisons
“Your brother calls every day.” “Your sister’s kids are so well-behaved.” These comparisons might seem harmless, but they resurrect every childhood rivalry and insecurity.
Adult children need to know they’re valued for who they are, not measured against their siblings. Those competitive dynamics you thought they’d outgrow? They’re still there, just wearing adult clothes.
9. Refusing to apologize or admit mistakes
This might be the toughest one. We parents aren’t perfect, and some of our decisions genuinely hurt our kids, even with the best intentions.
It took me years to accept I’d been wrong about pushing that career path on my son. Years of defending my position instead of just saying, “I’m sorry. I should have listened to what you wanted.”
Adult children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who can acknowledge their humanity and show that growth doesn’t stop at sixty.
Closing thoughts
Here’s what I’ve learned since retirement: the relationship you have with your adult children is entirely different from the one you had when they were young. And that’s not a loss. It’s an opportunity.
When we stop trying to parent and start trying to connect, something beautiful happens. Visits become less frequent, maybe, but more meaningful. Conversations go deeper. The relationship transforms from obligation to choice.
So here’s my question for you: which of these behaviors might be pushing your children away? More importantly, which one are you ready to change first?
