You know that sinking feeling when your kid asks you something and you freeze, wondering how much truth is too much?
Last week, my five-year-old asked me why I was crying after a particularly rough day, and for a split second, I almost said “allergies.” But then I remembered how my own parents kept everything behind closed doors, and how that distance still affects me today.
Growing up, we ate dinner together every night as a family, but our conversations stayed surface-level.
Nobody talked about real struggles, real fears, or real mistakes. And while I know my parents meant well, that lack of openness left me feeling like I couldn’t bring my whole self to our relationship.
Now that I’m raising my own two little ones, I’m determined to create a different family culture.
One where emotional openness isn’t scary, where vulnerability is valued, and where honesty builds bridges instead of walls. But figuring out what to share and how to share it? That’s been a journey of trial and error.
If you want your kids to truly trust and respect you (not just comply because you’re the authority), there are certain things you need to be honest about. Not brutally honest in a way that overwhelms them, but age-appropriately truthful in a way that shows them you’re a real person too.
1. Your emotions and why you’re feeling them
Remember that moment I mentioned about crying? I ended up telling my daughter, “Mommy had a hard day and felt overwhelmed. Sometimes crying helps me feel better, just like it helps you.” Her response? She brought me her favorite stuffed animal and said crying was okay.
When we hide our emotions or pretend everything’s fine, kids sense the disconnect. They know something’s off, but without information, they often blame themselves or create worse scenarios in their heads. By naming our feelings and explaining them simply, we teach kids that emotions are normal and manageable.
This doesn’t mean dumping adult problems on them. It means saying things like “I’m frustrated because I made a mistake at work” instead of pretending nothing happened while obviously being tense.
2. When you don’t know something
“I don’t know, but let’s find out together.”
These might be the most powerful words you can say to a child. Yet so many of us feel pressure to have all the answers, as if admitting ignorance somehow diminishes our authority.
Just yesterday, my toddler asked me why worms come out when it rains. My knee-jerk reaction was to make something up that sounded plausible. Instead, I said, “That’s a great question! I’m not sure. Should we look it up?” We spent the next ten minutes learning about worm behavior together, and his excitement about discovering the answer with me was priceless.
When we pretend to know everything, we teach kids that not knowing is shameful. When we admit our knowledge gaps, we show them that learning is lifelong and curiosity is valuable.
3. Your mistakes and how you’re fixing them
This one’s hard for me. Really hard. But it’s also where the magic happens in building trust.
Last month, I completely lost my patience over spilled juice (it had been a long day of messes). I yelled, and I saw my daughter’s face crumble. After taking a breath, I knelt down and said, “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t about the juice. I was already frustrated, and I took it out on you. That wasn’t fair.”
As psychologist Becky Kennedy says, “Repair is the most important parenting tool we have.” When we acknowledge our mistakes and apologize genuinely, we model accountability and show our kids that messing up doesn’t break relationships – avoiding responsibility does.
4. Your own struggles (in age-appropriate ways)
When my daughter noticed I kept starting and stopping a knitting project, she asked why. I could have brushed it off, but instead I said, “Sometimes things are harder than I expected, and I get frustrated. But I’m going to keep trying because I want to learn.”
Sharing our struggles shows kids that difficulty is normal, not a character flaw. It gives them permission to struggle too. But the key is age-appropriate sharing. A five-year-old doesn’t need to know about your marriage counseling, but they can understand “Mommy and Daddy are working on being better at talking to each other.”
5. Changes and transitions that affect them
Kids are incredibly perceptive. They notice when routines change, when tensions rise, or when something big is happening. Trying to shield them completely usually backfires because they sense the change anyway and their imagination fills in the blanks.
When we had to put our elderly dog down, my instinct was to wait until the kids were at grandma’s and then say the dog “went to live on a farm.” But kids deserve the truth (again, age-appropriately). We explained that our dog was very sick and the vet would help him not hurt anymore. Yes, there were tears. But there was also understanding, goodbye hugs, and a chance to process grief together.
6. The real reasons behind rules and boundaries
“Because I said so” might get compliance, but it doesn’t build trust or understanding.
When my daughter asks why she can’t have ice cream for breakfast, I explain that our bodies need different kinds of food to grow strong and feel good. When screen time ends, I share that too much screen time makes our brains feel yucky and we miss out on other fun things.
Does this take more time than “because I said so”? Absolutely. But it teaches kids to think critically about choices rather than just following orders blindly.
7. That their feelings and experiences matter
This might sound obvious, but how often do we dismiss kids’ emotions with “you’re fine” or “that’s not a big deal”?
When my son falls and cries, even if I can see he’s not hurt badly, I acknowledge his experience: “That was scary when you fell! It probably hurt too.” When my daughter is devastated about a broken toy, I don’t minimize it. I say, “You’re really sad about your toy. That makes sense – you loved playing with it.”
Being honest about the validity of their experiences, even when they seem small to us, shows kids that we see them as full humans worthy of respect.
The bottom line
Creating a culture of honesty in your family isn’t about oversharing or burdening kids with adult problems. It’s about being authentic in age-appropriate ways, admitting imperfection, and showing your kids that real relationships are built on truth, not perfection.
Will you get it right every time? Nope. I certainly don’t. But that’s part of the honesty too – admitting when we’ve shared too much or too little, and adjusting as we go.
The trust and respect that comes from this kind of openness? It’s worth every uncomfortable moment of vulnerability. Because when our kids know they can count on us for the truth, they’ll keep coming to us with theirs. And that relationship – built on mutual honesty and respect – is what will carry you both through whatever comes next.
