Ever notice how your child’s face lights up when you really get them? Last week, my five-year-old came home from preschool looking deflated.
Instead of my usual “How was your day?” followed by unpacking her lunchbox, I sat down at her level and waited. After a few minutes, she whispered, “Mom, sometimes I just want to be quiet, but everyone thinks I’m sad.” That stopped me in my tracks.
After seven years teaching kindergarten, I thought I knew kids inside and out. But becoming a mother taught me that understanding children requires listening to what they’re not saying out loud.
Through countless bedtime conversations, meltdowns in the grocery store, and those precious quiet moments sorting leaves in the backyard, I’ve learned that our kids are constantly trying to tell us something deeper.
What if I told you that most of what our children wish we understood has nothing to do with extra screen time or later bedtimes? The real stuff runs so much deeper.
1. They need us to see effort, not just results
Remember getting your report card and having your parents zoom straight to the grades? Our kids feel that same pressure today, but what they’re really craving is recognition for trying hard, even when things don’t work out perfectly.
My daughter spent an entire afternoon attempting to write her name backwards in her journal. Was it academically productive? Not really. But when I said, “Wow, you really stuck with that even when it got tricky,” her whole demeanor changed. She wasn’t looking for praise about the outcome; she wanted someone to notice she didn’t give up.
Kids are constantly battling their own limitations. Whether they’re learning to tie shoes or struggling with math homework, they need us to celebrate the persistence, the problem-solving attempts, and yes, even the creative failures.
When we focus only on achievements, we accidentally teach them that their worth depends on being successful rather than being courageous enough to try.
2. Their emotions are real, even when the triggers seem silly
Your four-year-old is sobbing because their sandwich was cut into triangles instead of squares. Your first instinct might be to minimize it: “It’s just a sandwich!” But here’s what I learned from years in the classroom and now at home: the sandwich isn’t really the issue.
Children experience emotions at full volume because they haven’t developed the filters we have. When my two-year-old melts down because his fort collapsed, he’s experiencing genuine frustration and disappointment. Those feelings are as real as our adult frustrations about work deadlines or traffic jams.
Instead of dismissing these moments, try acknowledging them: “You really wanted those squares. That must be frustrating.” Watch what happens. Nine times out of ten, just being heard deflates the intensity. They learn that feelings are okay and that you’re a safe person to share them with.
3. They’re not trying to be difficult
Can we talk about how often we assume our kids are deliberately pushing our buttons? That morning when they refuse to put on shoes, or bedtime when suddenly they need water, a snack, another story?
Children’s brains are still developing, especially the parts responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. What looks like defiance is often overwhelm, tiredness, hunger, or simply not having the skills yet to express what they need. My years teaching kindergarteners showed me that the “difficult” kids were usually the ones struggling the most with something they couldn’t articulate.
When we shift from “Why are you doing this to me?” to “What are you trying to tell me?” everything changes. Sometimes that resistance to shoes means they’re anxious about something at school. The bedtime stalling might mean they need extra connection after a busy day.
4. They want boundaries (even when they fight them)
This one surprises parents all the time. Yes, your child argues about bedtime. Yes, they negotiate about screen limits. But deep down? They need those boundaries to feel secure.
Think about it from their perspective: the world is huge, unpredictable, and often overwhelming. When you hold firm, loving boundaries, you’re essentially saying, “I’ve got you. You don’t have to figure this all out alone.”
Children who grow up with consistent, reasonable limits actually feel more free because they know where the edges are.
5. They’re always watching and learning from you
Want to know something that keeps me humble? Children are recording everything we do, not just what we say. When I lose my temper and then apologize, when I admit I don’t know something, when I take deep breaths during stressful moments—they’re taking notes.
My daughter recently told her doll, “It’s okay to make mistakes. We can try again tomorrow.” Those were my exact words to her the week before when she spilled paint on her favorite dress. They absorb our responses and replay them in their own lives.
6. They need unstructured time to just be
In our world of enrichment classes and structured activities, kids are secretly craving time to do absolutely nothing productive. Not screen time, not organized sports—just time to daydream, dig in dirt, or make up games with couch cushions.
Some of my favorite parenting moments happen when I resist the urge to direct their play. Yesterday, both kids spent an hour making “soup” from grass and rainwater.
Were they learning? Absolutely. But more importantly, they were following their own curiosity without adult intervention.
7. Your attention is their love language
You know that thing where your child suddenly needs you desperately the moment you pick up your phone? That’s not manipulation; it’s communication. They’re saying, “I need you more than that thing needs you.”
Full presence—even for just ten minutes—fills their emotional tank in ways that hours of distracted time together can’t match. When I put everything down and say, “Tell me more” or “I’m listening,” my kids physically relax. They know they matter more than my to-do list.
8. They want to contribute and feel capable
Every time your toddler insists on carrying groceries they can barely lift, or your preschooler demands to crack eggs (knowing full well shell will end up in the bowl), they’re telling you something important: “I want to matter. I want to help.”
Yes, it’s faster to do everything yourself. But when we let them struggle with age-appropriate tasks, we’re building their confidence and sense of belonging in the family. My little one’s job is putting spoons on the table. Does he sometimes put them backwards? Sure. But the pride on his face makes the extra time worth it.
9. Unconditional love means unconditional
Here’s the big one: kids need to know that your love doesn’t depend on their behavior, achievements, or choices. They need to feel it in their bones that even on their worst day, after their biggest mistake, you’re still their safe place.
This doesn’t mean no consequences or boundaries. It means separating their actions from their worth. “I love you AND we need to talk about what happened” hits different than disappointment and withdrawal of affection.
Bringing it home
If you’re reading this and feeling like you’ve missed the mark sometimes, welcome to the club. We’re all figuring this out as we go, and our kids don’t need perfect parents—they need real ones who keep trying to understand them better.
Tonight, maybe pick just one thing from this list. Sit a little longer at bedtime. Acknowledge that “silly” feeling. Let them help with dinner even though it’ll take twice as long. These small shifts in how we see our children can transform not just our relationships with them, but how they see themselves in the world.
Because when our kids feel truly understood? That’s when the magic happens. That’s when they stop trying so hard to be heard and start simply being themselves. And honestly? That version of them is pretty amazing.
