You know that moment when your child falls at the playground and every fiber of your being wants to rush over?
I get it. Trust me, I really do. The urge to protect our kids from every scrape, every disappointment, every uncomfortable feeling is powerful.
But after seven years teaching kindergarten and now raising two little ones, I’ve seen firsthand what happens when we constantly swoop in to rescue our children from discomfort.
Psychology research backs up what many of us suspect deep down: when we shield our kids from every challenging situation, we’re actually setting them up for struggles later.
Here are eight behaviors that tend to develop when children never learn to navigate discomfort on their own.
1. They develop chronic anxiety about everyday challenges
Studies show that parental overinvolvement is linked to higher anxiety in children. When kids never get the chance to work through uncomfortable situations, their brains don’t learn that discomfort is temporary and survivable. They miss out on those crucial experiences that teach them “I felt scared, but I got through it.”
Think about it: if every time your child feels nervous about a playdate, you cancel it, or every time they struggle with homework, you complete it for them, what message does that send? It tells them that uncomfortable feelings are dangerous and must be avoided at all costs.
I’ve watched this play out with kids I taught. The ones whose parents always intervened at the first sign of struggle were often the most anxious about simple tasks like tying shoes or opening their lunch containers. They’d learned that if something felt hard, an adult would fix it, so they never developed confidence in their own abilities.
2. They struggle with basic problem-solving skills
Remember when you were a kid and had to figure things out yourself? Maybe you forgot your lunch money and had to negotiate with the cafeteria lady, or you had a disagreement with a friend and worked it out during recess.
These small problems taught us huge lessons. But when we rush in to solve every issue, our kids miss these learning opportunities, according to psychology. They literally don’t develop the neural pathways for creative problem-solving because they’ve never had to use them.
My daughter recently couldn’t find her favorite toy. My instinct was to drop everything and help her search, but instead I asked, “Where do you remember playing with it last?” She thought about it, retraced her steps, and found it under her bed. The pride on her face was worth the five minutes of mild frustration.
3. They become paralyzed by decision-making
Have you ever met an adult who can’t decide where to eat dinner without polling five people? Often, these are folks who never got to make choices as kids, even small ones.
There’s a fascinating YouTube video called “Why the ‘Best’ Parents Are Raising the Most Fragile Kids” that really drove this home for me. The presenter shares this powerful insight: “Children don’t learn endurance by feeling good. They learn it by staying inside something hard and discovering they survive it. When that never happens, the lesson doesn’t disappear. It just waits. Until life applies pressure—as it always does.”
When we make every decision for our kids to spare them the discomfort of choosing wrong, they never learn to trust their own judgment. They second-guess themselves constantly because they’ve never had practice making choices and living with the consequences.
4. They develop an inability to handle criticism
If children never experience the discomfort of constructive feedback because we’re always telling them everything they do is perfect, they crumble when they encounter criticism later. College professors and employers won’t sugarcoat feedback the way we might.
I still process my own childhood patterns of perfectionism, and I see how the well-meaning protection from criticism actually made it harder for me to handle feedback as an adult.
Now with my kids, I try to be honest (while still kind) when they ask for my opinion. “That tower is really tall! What if we made the base a bit wider so it doesn’t tip over?”
5. They lack emotional regulation skills
Research shows that another effect of always stepping in for our children is that they don’t develop self-regulation skills.
When we immediately distract or fix things every time our child feels upset, they don’t learn how to move through difficult emotions. They need practice feeling frustrated, disappointed, or angry and discovering that these feelings pass.
In our house, we allow our kids to feel big feelings without rushing them to “fine.” Sometimes my daughter needs to cry about her block tower falling down before she’s ready to rebuild it. That’s okay. She’s learning that sadness isn’t permanent and that she can handle it.
6. They develop poor resilience and give up easily
Kids who are always rescued learn that when things get tough, someone else will handle it. Why persist when Mom or Dad will step in? This creates adults who quit jobs at the first sign of conflict or abandon goals when they hit obstacles.
As the Gottman Institute explains, “If these kids have never experienced failure, they can develop an overwhelming fear of failure and of disappointing others.”
Watch a toddler learning to walk. They fall dozens of times, but they keep trying because no one is carrying them everywhere. Apply this same principle to other challenges. Let them struggle with that puzzle piece for a bit. Let them work through the frustration of learning to tie their shoes.
7. They struggle to form healthy relationships
Relationships involve discomfort. Arguments happen. Feelings get hurt. Compromises must be made.
If kids never learn to navigate these uncomfortable interpersonal moments, they’ll struggle to maintain friendships and romantic relationships later.
When my kids have conflicts with friends, I resist the urge to immediately call the other parent or solve it for them. Instead, we talk about different ways they could handle it. What could you say? How do you think your friend felt? This builds the emotional intelligence they’ll need throughout life.
8. They develop a victim mentality
Perhaps most concerning, studies show that constantly rescued children often grow into adults who believe life happens to them rather than recognizing their own agency. They wait for others to fix their problems because that’s what always happened before.
This doesn’t mean we should abandon our kids to figure everything out alone. It means finding that balance between support and space for growth. Be the safety net, not the bubble wrap.
Finding the balance
Look, I’m not suggesting we throw our kids into the deep end and walk away. There’s a difference between allowing natural discomfort and being neglectful. The goal is to be present and supportive while still letting them experience manageable challenges.
Start small. Let your toddler struggle with their jacket zipper for a minute before helping. Allow your school-age child to work out minor friendship drama. Let your teenager face the natural consequence of forgetting their sports equipment.
The discomfort you feel watching them struggle? That’s your growth edge too. We’re teaching them resilience, but we’re also learning to tolerate our own discomfort as parents. And honestly? That might be the hardest part of all.
