Looking back, I never imagined I’d be writing about this. When Ellie was born five years ago, I was so sure I had it all figured out.
Natural birth, attachment parenting, organic everything. I’d create this perfect bubble where my kids would thrive, and they’d thank me for it someday.
But here’s what nobody tells you: sometimes the very choices we make with the best intentions can create invisible walls between us and our grown children. And the scariest part? They might never tell us directly.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially after watching friends navigate rocky relationships with their adult kids. Some signs are subtle, others painfully obvious once you know what to look for. If you’re wondering whether your adult child harbors hidden resentment about their upbringing, these signs might sound familiar.
1. They avoid talking about their childhood
Ever notice how some conversations just… stop? You bring up a funny story from when they were little, and suddenly they need to check their phone or remember an urgent errand.
When adult children consistently dodge childhood memories or change the subject when you reminisce, it’s often because those memories carry complicated feelings. They might smile politely when you share that “hilarious” story about their third-grade mishap, but inside, they’re cringing.
I learned this the hard way when a friend’s daughter finally admitted she hated how her mom always brought up her childhood struggles with reading at family gatherings. What seemed like harmless nostalgia to the parent felt like public humiliation decades later.
2. They make drastically different parenting choices
This one stings, but it’s important to recognize. When your adult child parents in ways that feel like a direct rejection of everything you did, they might be trying to heal something from their own childhood.
Maybe you were strict about screen time, and now they’re remarkably relaxed about it. Or perhaps you emphasized academic achievement, and they’re focused entirely on emotional intelligence with their kids.
Different doesn’t always mean resentment, of course. But when combined with tension or defensiveness about their choices, it often signals unresolved feelings about their own upbringing.
3. Holiday visits feel like obligations
Remember when they couldn’t wait to come home from college? Now visits are brief, scheduled far in advance, and feel more like checking off a box than genuine connection.
They arrive late, leave early, and spend most of the visit on their phone or finding reasons to step out. The energy feels heavy, forced. Conversations stay surface-level—work, weather, anything but real connection.
One mom I know realized this pattern after three years of increasingly shorter Christmas visits. When she finally asked her son about it, he admitted that being home triggered anxiety he’d been dealing with in therapy.
4. They share minimal details about their life
You find out about their promotion from social media. Their relationship ended months before they mention it. Major decisions happen without your input or knowledge.
When adult children keep parents at arm’s length informationally, they’re often protecting themselves from judgment, unsolicited advice, or emotional reactions they’ve learned to expect. They’ve created boundaries that feel like walls because bridges felt too vulnerable.
This selective sharing isn’t just about privacy. It’s about controlling the narrative and avoiding the criticism or disappointment they anticipate, whether real or imagined.
5. They’re defensive about their lifestyle choices
A simple question about their career or relationship triggers a disproportionate response. “How’s the job search going?” gets met with “Why do you always have to criticize my choices?”
This defensiveness often stems from years of feeling judged or not good enough. Even innocent questions can feel loaded when someone’s carrying resentment about past criticisms or impossible standards.
I’ve caught myself doing this with my own parents sometimes. They ask about our decision to homeschool for a year, and I immediately launch into a defensive explanation, anticipating judgment that might not even be coming.
6. They maintain relationships with other family members but not you
Your adult child is close with their siblings, regularly calls their other parent, or maintains warm relationships with extended family—but interactions with you feel strained and infrequent.
This selective distancing isn’t accidental. It indicates specific unresolved issues rather than general family dysfunction. They’re capable of family closeness; something about your particular relationship creates distance.
Watching your child be warm and open with others while keeping you at bay? That’s a special kind of heartbreak that points to specific wounds needing attention.
7. Past conflicts never really resolved
Arguments from years ago still feel fresh. Maybe it was about college choices, career paths, or relationship partners. The specific fight might be over, but the underlying tension remains.
They bring up old hurts in current disagreements, or you notice they’re still sensitive about topics you thought were long settled. Time hasn’t healed these wounds because they were never properly addressed—just buried.
These unresolved conflicts act like emotional splinters, causing pain whenever touched. Without genuine acknowledgment and apology, resentment grows around these old wounds like scar tissue.
8. They’ve mentioned therapy but won’t discuss details
“I’m working through some childhood stuff in therapy” followed by a swift topic change. Or perhaps you’ve overheard them mention their therapist to others but they’ve never told you directly.
When adult children are processing childhood experiences in therapy but won’t discuss it with you, they’re usually working through complex feelings about their upbringing. The therapy room becomes a safe space to unpack resentments they don’t feel ready to address directly.
This isn’t necessarily permanent. Sometimes they need professional support to process their feelings before they can have productive conversations with parents.
Moving forward with hope
Recognizing these signs doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Actually, awareness is the first step toward healing. The hardest truth I’ve learned? Sometimes our children’s resentment is valid, even when our intentions were pure.
We raised our kids with the tools we had at the time. Maybe we were overprotective because we were anxious. Perhaps we pushed too hard because we wanted them to have opportunities we didn’t. We might have been emotionally unavailable because we were struggling ourselves.
The path forward starts with genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness. Ask questions. Listen without justifying. Acknowledge their experience without minimizing it. Sometimes a simple “I’m sorry I didn’t understand what you needed” opens doors we thought were permanently closed.
Your adult child’s resentment doesn’t erase the love underneath—it’s often actually proof of how much your relationship matters to them. They’re wrestling with these feelings because you’re important enough to wrestle with.
Change is possible. I’ve seen relationships transform when parents brave enough to acknowledge past mistakes meet adult children ready to heal. It takes courage on both sides, but the alternative—staying stuck in unspoken resentment—serves no one.
Start small. Send a text saying you’re thinking of them without expecting a response. Respect their boundaries while keeping your door open. Focus on building something new rather than defending what was.
After all, the relationship you have with your adult child today doesn’t have to be defined by yesterday’s mistakes. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply acknowledge that we’re all still learning, still growing, and still capable of creating something better together.
