I watch my friends navigate relationships with their adult kids, and the difference is striking. Some barely get a phone call on holidays, while others have children who genuinely want to spend time with them, share their lives, call for advice, and bring the grandkids over just because.
What makes the difference? After years of watching families grow and change, talking with other parents, and yes, making my own share of mistakes with my little ones, I’ve noticed patterns.
The parents who have those enviable close relationships with their grown children? They started laying the groundwork early, in ways that might surprise you.
1. They let their kids see them as real people, not perfect parents
Remember when you thought your parents knew everything? Then one day you realized they were just winging it like everyone else?
The parents with the closest adult relationships didn’t wait for that revelation. They let their humanity show early on.
Last week, I burned dinner while helping with homework. Instead of pretending everything was fine, I laughed about it with my kids and we made PB&Js together. These moments matter more than we think. When we admit our mistakes, apologize genuinely, and show our kids we’re still learning too, we’re building a foundation for an authentic relationship that can evolve as they grow.
2. They created space for big feelings without rushing to fix everything
“Tell me more” has become my go-to phrase when my daughter comes to me upset. Not “You’ll be fine” or “Don’t worry about it.” Just “Tell me more” and “I’m listening.”
Parents who maintain close bonds with adult children learned early that emotions aren’t problems to solve. They’re experiences to share. When your toddler melts down or your teenager storms off, the instinct is to make it better fast.
But sitting with those feelings, validating them without immediately trying to fix them, teaches kids that you’re a safe space for all emotions, not just the happy ones.
3. They prioritized connection over correction
How many times a day do we correct our kids? “Don’t do that.” “Say please.” “Sit properly.” Necessary? Often yes. But if that’s the majority of our interactions, what relationship are we building?
I started counting once and was horrified. Now I make sure that for every correction, there are multiple moments of pure connection. A silly joke while brushing teeth. A quick snuggle between activities. A genuine interest in their couch cushion fort architecture.
These deposits in the relationship bank account matter more than perfect behavior.
4. They respected boundaries even when it was hard
This one’s tough when they’re little, but it sets the stage for everything. When my son doesn’t want to hug goodbye to relatives, we respect that. When my daughter wants privacy while changing, even though she’s only five, we knock first.
Parents with close adult relationships understood that respecting boundaries isn’t permissive parenting. It’s teaching kids that their feelings matter, their body autonomy matters, and that love doesn’t mean unlimited access. This respect becomes the foundation for healthy adult boundaries later.
5. They shared their own stories and struggles appropriately
There’s a balance here. We shouldn’t burden kids with adult problems, but sharing age-appropriate struggles and how we handle them models real life. When I’m frustrated with a work project, I might say, “I’m feeling stuck on something at work, so I’m going to take a walk to clear my head.”
Parents who maintain closeness with adult children found ways to be authentically themselves while still being the parent. They shared their interests, their dreams, even their disappointments in ways that invited connection rather than creating burden.
6. They admitted when they were wrong and changed course
“I’ve been thinking about what happened yesterday, and I don’t think I handled that well. Can we talk about it?” These words are powerful, whether your child is 5 or 35.
The parents with the best adult relationships weren’t afraid to evolve their parenting. They admitted when something wasn’t working. They apologized genuinely when they messed up. They showed their kids that growth doesn’t stop at adulthood and that changing your mind isn’t weakness.
7. They built traditions that could evolve
Saturday morning pancakes might become monthly brunches when kids move out. Bedtime stories might transform into book recommendations texted back and forth. The close families I know have traditions that grew with them.
We’re building these now. Nature walks where we collect leaves might one day be hiking trips. Our “tell me your favorite part of today” at dinner will hopefully continue over phone calls when they’re grown. The format matters less than the intention: regular, meaningful connection.
8. They supported their children’s independence while staying available
Watching your child struggle is hard. Really hard. But the parents who have close adult relationships learned to be a safety net, not a helicopter. They let their kids try, fail, and figure things out while making it clear they were always there if needed.
When my daughter insists on pouring her own milk and spills it everywhere, we clean it up together and try again. No big deal. She’s learning competence and that mistakes aren’t catastrophes. She’s also learning I’m here to help, not take over.
9. They invested in their own growth and happiness
This might be the most unexpected one. Parents with close adult children didn’t lose themselves in parenting. They maintained friendships, pursued interests, worked on their own emotional health. They modeled what a full life looks like.
Kids notice everything. When they see us prioritizing our own growth, managing our stress healthily, and finding joy outside of them, they learn two things: how to build their own fulfilling lives and that our relationship with them comes from choice, not dependency.
The bottom line
Building a close relationship with your adult children starts now, whether your kids are toddlers or teenagers. It’s not about being a perfect parent or a best friend. It’s about being a real person who respects them as real people too.
Every time I choose connection over perfection, every time I say “tell me more” instead of “you’ll be fine,” every time I admit I don’t have all the answers, I’m investing in a future where my kids actually want to call me, visit me, and share their lives with me.
That future relationship? It’s being built right now, one genuine moment at a time.
