Family dinners used to be my favorite tradition. Now, watching my two sons exchange those looks across the table while I’m mid-sentence, I realize I’ve become exactly what I swore I’d never be: the parent who doesn’t know when to stop talking.
It took me years to understand why our monthly get-togethers felt more like obligations than celebrations. My sons, both in their thirties with families of their own, were showing up physically but checking out mentally. And honestly? I was the problem.
The thing is, we boomer parents genuinely believe we’re being helpful. We think our life experience gives us the right—no, the responsibility—to guide our adult children through every decision. But somewhere between passing the potatoes and dessert, we’re inadvertently pushing them further away.
If you’re wondering why your adult children seem to dread family dinners, you might be saying these nine things without even realizing it.
1. “When I was your age, I already had…”
Whether it’s a house, a promotion, or a third kid, this comparison never lands the way we think it will. I used to drop this one regularly, believing I was motivating my sons to reach higher.
What I didn’t see was how it made them feel like failures in a completely different economic landscape. Houses cost five times what they did when we were starting out. Job security? That’s practically mythology now. Every time we make these comparisons, we’re essentially saying their struggles aren’t valid because we had it “figured out” by their age.
2. “You should really think about…”
This phrase haunted my relationship with my older son for years. I pushed him toward a career path that made perfect sense on paper—stable income, good benefits, respectable title. It took me far too long to accept I’d been completely wrong about what would make him happy.
When we start sentences with “you should,” we’re not offering suggestions. We’re issuing directives disguised as wisdom. Our adult children hear it as: “You’re not capable of making good decisions without my input.”
3. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
Nothing deflates excitement faster than this question. Your daughter announces she’s starting a small business, your son mentions they’re considering a move, and before you can stop yourself, doubt dressed as concern tumbles out.
We think we’re being protective, helping them see potential pitfalls. But what they hear is that we don’t trust their judgment. Even worse, it makes them less likely to share their plans with us in the future.
4. “In my day, we didn’t need…”
Therapy, organic food, work-life balance, paternity leave—fill in the blank with whatever modern concept makes you uncomfortable. This dismissive phrase invalidates everything about how your children choose to live their lives.
My younger son finally told me that every time I said this, it felt like constant criticism of his parenting choices, his lifestyle, his entire generation. That conversation was a wake-up call I desperately needed.
5. “That’s not how we did it”
Watching your children parent differently than you did can be challenging. Maybe they’re more permissive, or perhaps stricter. Either way, this comment suggests there’s only one right way to do things—yours.
I’ve learned that just because something worked for us doesn’t mean it’s the gold standard. Times change, research evolves, and frankly, our kids might have learned from our mistakes.
6. “You’re too sensitive”
This one’s particularly damaging. When our adult children express hurt or frustration about something we’ve said or done, dismissing their feelings as oversensitivity is the fastest way to shut down communication entirely.
I discovered that my sons talk to me much more now that I validate their feelings instead of minimizing them. Who knew that “I can understand why that bothered you” could be so powerful?
7. “Money doesn’t grow on trees”
Yes, we all learned financial responsibility, but constantly bringing up money—whether it’s commenting on their spending habits, questioning their purchases, or reminding them of past financial help—creates an uncomfortable dynamic.
Your adult children know money doesn’t grow on trees. They’re living it every day in an economy that’s vastly different from the one we navigated. Unless they’re asking for financial advice, keep the money talk to a minimum.
8. “When are you going to give me grandchildren?”
Or if they already have kids: “When are you giving them a sibling?” This pressure around family planning is not only inappropriate but can be deeply painful. You never know what struggles—financial, medical, or personal—might be happening behind closed doors.
I cringe thinking about how many times I asked this before realizing it was none of my business. Their reproductive choices are exactly that—theirs.
9. “Let me tell you what you should do”
This is perhaps the most common and most damaging phrase we use. Even when our children explicitly share a problem, they’re often just venting, not asking for solutions. But we barrel ahead with our advice anyway, convinced our experience makes us experts on their lives.
I learned to stop giving advice unless specifically asked after my younger son told me it felt like constant criticism. Now I ask, “Do you want my thoughts, or do you just need someone to listen?” The second option is almost always the answer.
Closing thoughts
Here’s what changed everything for me: I started apologizing. Not general, sweeping apologies, but specific acknowledgments of where I’d gone wrong. It opened doors that staying defensive had kept firmly closed for years.
We raised independent, capable adults. Maybe it’s time we started treating them that way?
The irony isn’t lost on me that I’m giving advice about not giving advice. But if your family dinners have become something your children endure rather than enjoy, maybe it’s worth examining whether you’re saying these nine things without realizing it.
After all, wouldn’t you rather have children who genuinely want to spend time with you than ones who show up out of obligation?
