There’s a moment that still makes my chest tighten when I think about it. Three years ago, my younger son sat me down and told me they needed some “space” from visits for a while. His words were careful, measured, but I could see the strain behind them.
I’d been dropping by unannounced, offering unsolicited advice about their parenting, and honestly, I thought I was helping. The realization that I wasn’t hit like a cold splash of water.
That conversation forced me to take a hard look in the mirror. And after working through my initial hurt and defensiveness (which took longer than I’d like to admit), I started to understand that certain behaviors of mine were creating distance rather than closeness.
If you’re reading this because you’re experiencing something similar with your adult children, know that you’re not alone. The relationship between grandparents and adult children can be complex, especially when grandkids enter the picture. Everyone wants what’s best for the little ones, but sometimes our well-intentioned actions push our children away.
Let me share what I’ve learned about the behaviors that typically cause adult children to limit grandparent access. These insights come from my own stumbles, conversations with other grandparents, and yes, some humble pie I’ve had to eat along the way.
1. Undermining their parenting decisions
Remember when your kids were young and your mother-in-law would slip them candy right before dinner? Yeah, now we’re the ones doing it.
It starts innocently enough. You think one cookie won’t hurt, or that bedtime rules are a bit too strict. But every time we go against our adult children’s parenting choices, we’re essentially saying, “I know better than you do.”
My older son once told me that when I let his kids stay up past bedtime during sleepovers, it took three days to get them back on schedule. Three days of cranky kids and exhausted parents, all because Grandpa thought rules could be bent “just this once.”
The thing is, our adult children are the parents now. They’re the ones dealing with the aftermath of our “treats” and exceptions. When we respect their rules, even if we disagree with them, we’re showing that we trust their judgment. And that trust is what keeps the door open for more grandparent time.
2. Playing favorites among grandchildren
This one’s tough to admit, but favoritism happens more often than we’d like to think.
Maybe one grandchild reminds you of yourself, or another shares your love of fishing. It’s natural to connect differently with different kids.
But kids notice everything. They notice if you bring a bigger gift for one, spend more time with another, or light up more when a particular grandchild walks through the door.
I caught myself doing this without realizing it. My oldest grandchild loves books like I do, and we’d spend hours reading together. Meanwhile, his younger sister, who’s more into sports, got less of my attention.
Their mom pointed it out gently, and I was mortified. Now I make sure to engage with each grandchild in what interests them, even if it means learning the rules of soccer at my age.
3. Refusing to respect boundaries
“But I’m their grandparent!” How many times have we thought or said this when faced with a boundary we didn’t like?
Boundaries might include not posting photos on social media, not discussing certain topics, or following specific dietary restrictions. When we push against these boundaries or ignore them altogether, we’re telling our adult children that our desires matter more than their comfort level.
I learned this the hard way when I posted photos of my grandkids on Facebook after being asked not to. My daughter-in-law was furious, and rightfully so. She and my son had valid concerns about their children’s online privacy that I’d dismissed because “all grandparents post photos.”
Respecting boundaries isn’t about agreeing with them. It’s about acknowledging that our adult children have the right to make decisions for their family, even if those decisions seem overly cautious or unnecessary to us.
4. Making everything about you
Have you ever found yourself turning your grandchild’s birthday party into a discussion about how you never see them enough? Or guilting your adult children about holiday arrangements?
When we make family events about our hurt feelings or unmet needs, we create tension that makes our children want to limit contact. Nobody wants to feel guilty every time they see their parents.
I’ve been there. After that difficult conversation with my younger son, I realized I’d been doing exactly this. Every visit included some comment about not seeing them enough, which made visits feel like obligations rather than joy.
5. Criticizing their spouse or partner
Even if you’re not crazy about your child’s partner, criticizing them is a surefire way to create distance. That person is your grandchildren’s parent, and negative comments create loyalty conflicts that nobody wins.
As someone who worked in HR for decades, I’ve seen how destructive triangulation can be in any relationship. When we criticize our child’s partner, we’re asking them to choose sides. Most often, they’ll choose their spouse, and we’ll see less of everyone.
If you have genuine concerns about your grandchildren’s wellbeing, that’s different. But complaints about housekeeping, career choices, or personality quirks? Keep those to yourself or share them with a friend who isn’t part of the family dynamic.
6. Ignoring their communication preferences
My generation tends to pick up the phone. Their generation texts. We drop by. They schedule. These different communication styles can create massive friction if we’re not willing to adapt.
When my sons told me they prefer texting to phone calls, my first reaction was hurt. Didn’t they want to talk to their old dad?
But once I adjusted, our communication actually improved. Quick texts throughout the week kept us connected without the pressure of long phone conversations that interrupted their busy evenings with kids.
Meeting our adult children where they are, rather than demanding they communicate on our terms, shows respect for their time and preferences.
7. Never admitting when you’re wrong
This might be the most important one. We all make mistakes, but refusing to acknowledge them creates walls that grow higher over time.
After that space my younger son requested, I did something that terrified me. I apologized. Not a general “I’m sorry if I upset you” but specific apologies for specific behaviors. I acknowledged that I’d been overbearing, that I’d ignored their parenting decisions, and that I’d made visits about my needs rather than enjoying the time we had.
That apology opened a door I thought might stay closed forever. It showed them I was capable of change, of growth, even in my sixties.
Closing thoughts
Recognizing ourselves in these behaviors isn’t comfortable. Trust me, writing this meant confronting some of my own ongoing struggles.
But here’s what I’ve learned: our adult children don’t limit our time with grandkids to be cruel. They do it to protect their family’s peace and their own sanity.
Fortunately, most of these behaviors can be changed once we’re aware of them. It takes humility, patience, and sometimes biting our tongue when we really want to offer that piece of advice.
So here’s my question for you: Which of these behaviors might be affecting your relationship with your adult children? And more importantly, what small step could you take today to start changing it?
