Co-parenting after a separation is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do.
You’re asked to collaborate closely with someone you may feel hurt by, frustrated with, or completely disconnected from. And yet, your kids need you both to show up. Not as best friends. Not pretending everything is fine.
But as two adults who can put the work in where it matters most.
Here’s what I’ve learned from watching friends navigate this, from reading the research, and from honest conversations with co-parents who are doing it well: healthy co-parenting has very little to do with your feelings toward your ex. It has everything to do with consistent behaviors.
The kind that create stability for your kids and sanity for you. These ten behaviors won’t fix everything, but they’ll give you a foundation to build on.
1) Keep communication focused on the kids
This sounds obvious, but it’s surprisingly hard in practice. Old patterns creep in. A scheduling text turns into a passive-aggressive comment about something that happened two years ago. Suddenly you’re both defensive and nothing gets resolved.
The fix? Treat co-parenting communication like a work email. Stick to logistics, health updates, school stuff, and schedule changes. Keep it brief and factual. If you find yourself typing something emotional, save it as a draft and revisit it later. Nine times out of ten, you’ll delete it.
Some families use apps like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents to keep everything documented and businesslike. That structure can be a lifesaver when emotions run high. The goal is to protect the channel you use to coordinate your kids’ lives from becoming a battlefield.
2) Never put your kids in the middle
Kids are not messengers. They’re not spies. And they’re definitely not therapists. When you ask your child to relay information to your co-parent, or pump them for details about what happens at the other house, you’re putting weight on their shoulders that doesn’t belong there.
As noted by the American Psychological Association, children caught in the middle of parental conflict are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues. They internalize the tension, even when they don’t show it.
If you need to communicate something, do it directly. If you’re curious about your child’s time with their other parent, let them share naturally without interrogation. Your job is to be their safe space, not their go-between.
3) Respect the other parent’s time
Schedules exist for a reason. When you’re consistently late for pickups, change plans at the last minute, or schedule activities during your co-parent’s time without asking, you’re sending a message that their time doesn’t matter. And your kids notice.
Respecting boundaries around time means treating the custody schedule as a commitment, not a suggestion. It means giving adequate notice when something needs to shift. It means not booking a birthday party or a trip during your ex’s weekend without a conversation first.
This isn’t about being rigid. Flexibility is important, and life happens. But flexibility works both ways. When you respect your co-parent’s time, you’re modeling consideration and follow-through for your kids. And you’re building the kind of trust that makes future flexibility possible.
4) Support your child’s relationship with their other parent
This one can sting, especially if you’re carrying hurt. But your child’s relationship with their other parent is separate from your relationship with your ex. They need permission, spoken and unspoken, to love both of you fully.
That means not making faces when your kid talks about fun they had at Dad’s house. It means not interrogating them after visits or making them feel guilty for missing the other parent. It means encouraging phone calls and video chats when they’re with you, even if it feels inconvenient.
Kids are perceptive. They pick up on eye rolls, sighs, and tense silences. When you actively support their bond with your co-parent, you’re telling them it’s okay to love freely. That’s a gift that will shape how they approach relationships for the rest of their lives.
5) Keep conflict away from your kids
Disagreements will happen. You’ll have different opinions on screen time, bedtimes, discipline, and a hundred other things. That’s normal. What matters is where and how you work through those disagreements.
The answer is: not in front of your kids. Not in the driveway during pickup. Not over speakerphone while they’re in the room. Not through thinly veiled comments at school events.
Find a time to discuss differences privately, whether that’s a phone call after bedtime, an email exchange, or a session with a family mediator. Your kids don’t need to witness the negotiation. They just need to experience the stability that comes from two parents who can figure things out without dragging them into it.
6) Stay consistent with rules and routines
Kids thrive on predictability. When the rules are wildly different between two homes, it creates confusion and can lead to behavioral challenges. One house shouldn’t be the “fun house” while the other is the “strict house.”
This doesn’t mean every detail has to match. Different households will naturally have different rhythms. But the big stuff, like bedtimes, homework expectations, screen limits, and discipline approaches, benefits from some alignment.
Research from the National Institutes of Health shows that consistent parenting across households is associated with better adjustment in children of divorce. It’s worth having those conversations with your co-parent, even when they’re uncomfortable. Frame it around what works best for your child, not who’s right.
7) Be flexible when it matters
I know I just talked about respecting schedules. But here’s the nuance: rigidity can become its own form of conflict. Sometimes your co-parent will have a work emergency, a family event, or an opportunity that requires a swap. Sometimes you will too.
Healthy co-parenting means holding boundaries and being willing to bend when it genuinely serves the family. The key word is “genuinely.” If flexibility only flows one direction, that’s a problem. But if both parents approach scheduling with a spirit of cooperation, everyone wins, especially the kids.
A good gut check: Would I want this flexibility extended to me? If yes, extend it. Build up goodwill. It comes back around.
8) Handle new partners with care
At some point, one or both of you will start dating again. This is completely normal and healthy. But introducing new partners to your kids requires thoughtfulness and, ideally, some communication with your co-parent.
There’s no universal timeline, but most experts suggest waiting until a relationship is stable and serious before introductions. Rushing it can confuse kids or make them feel like they’re being asked to accept a replacement parent.
When the time comes, keep your co-parent informed. Not for permission, but out of respect. They’ll likely hear about it from your child anyway, and finding out secondhand can create unnecessary tension. A simple heads-up goes a long way toward maintaining trust.
9) Take care of your own emotional health
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Co-parenting well requires emotional regulation, patience, and the ability to set aside your own feelings in the moment. That’s really hard to do if you’re running on fumes or haven’t processed your own grief and anger.
Therapy, support groups, journaling, exercise, friendships outside of parenting: these aren’t luxuries. They’re necessities. As psychologist Dr. Edward Tronick has noted in his work on parent-child relationships, children are deeply attuned to their caregivers’ emotional states. When you’re regulated, they feel it. When you’re not, they feel that too.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s one of the most important things you can do for your kids. Find what fills your tank and protect that time fiercely.
10) Remember that your kids are watching
This is the thread that runs through everything else. Your children are learning what relationships look like by watching you. They’re learning how to handle conflict, how to communicate, how to treat people you disagree with, and how to move forward after hard things happen.
You don’t have to be perfect. You’ll mess up. You’ll lose your temper or say something you regret. What matters is the pattern over time. Are you showing them that adults can work together even when it’s hard? Are you showing them that their needs come first? Are you showing them that healing and growth are possible?
Every interaction with your co-parent is a chance to model something valuable. Not perfection, but effort. Not friendship, but respect. That’s the legacy you’re building.
Closing thoughts
Healthy co-parenting isn’t about having warm feelings toward your ex. Some days you might. Many days you won’t. And that’s okay. What matters is showing up with behaviors that prioritize your kids’ wellbeing and your own peace of mind.
These ten behaviors won’t make co-parenting easy. Nothing will. But they create a framework for navigating the hard stuff without losing yourself or damaging your children in the process. Start with one or two that feel doable. Build from there.
Your kids don’t need you and your co-parent to be best friends. They need you to be two adults who can figure it out. That’s enough. That’s actually everything.
