There’s a moment in every tantrum when time seems to slow down. Your child is on the floor, tears streaming, voice reaching octaves you didn’t know existed.
And you’re standing there, feeling your own heart rate climb, wondering how this escalated so quickly from a broken cracker or the wrong color cup.
I’ve been in that moment more times than I can count. And I’ve noticed something interesting: the parents who seem to move through these storms with a steady presence aren’t necessarily calmer people by nature.
They’ve simply internalized a different way of thinking about what’s happening. These aren’t tricks or scripts. They’re principles, and once they click, everything shifts.
1) They see the tantrum as communication, not manipulation
This is the foundation everything else builds on. When a child melts down, they’re not scheming to ruin your afternoon or test your limits for sport. They’re overwhelmed. Their still-developing brain has hit a wall it can’t climb over, and the only way out is through big, messy emotion.
As noted by Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of The Whole-Brain Child, young children literally cannot access their rational, problem-solving brain when they’re flooded with intense feelings. The upstairs brain, as he calls it, goes offline. What’s left is pure, unfiltered emotion looking for an exit.
Parents who stay calm have internalized this. They don’t take the screaming personally because they understand it’s not personal. It’s developmental. It’s a child doing the only thing they know how to do in that moment. This reframe alone can drain the charge out of your own reaction.
2) They regulate themselves first
You’ve probably heard the airplane oxygen mask analogy before, but it bears repeating because it’s so easy to forget in the heat of the moment. You cannot help your child calm down if you’re spiraling alongside them.
What does self-regulation actually look like mid-tantrum? Sometimes it’s as simple as taking one slow breath before you respond.
Other times it means consciously relaxing your shoulders, unclenching your jaw, or dropping your voice to a near-whisper. These small physical shifts send signals to your nervous system that you’re safe, which helps you stay grounded.
I’ve found that when I can slow my own breathing, even slightly, something shifts in the room. Kids are remarkably attuned to our energy.
When we’re tense and reactive, it often amplifies their distress. When we’re calm, we become an anchor they can eventually grab onto. This doesn’t mean stuffing down your frustration. It means pausing long enough to choose your response rather than just reacting.
3) They get low and get close
There’s something powerful about meeting a child at eye level during a meltdown. Standing over them, arms crossed, can feel intimidating even if that’s not your intention. Kneeling down, sitting on the floor, or crouching nearby changes the dynamic entirely.
Physical proximity matters too, though it looks different for every child. Some kids need a firm hug to feel contained. Others need space and will push you away if you get too close too fast. Parents who handle tantrums well learn to read their child’s cues. They offer connection without forcing it.
A gentle hand on the back, a quiet “I’m right here,” or simply sitting nearby while the storm passes can communicate more than any words. The message is clear: I’m not going anywhere.
You’re not alone in this. That presence, offered without demands, often does more to shorten a tantrum than any logical explanation ever could.
4) They hold the boundary and the child at the same time
Here’s where things get nuanced. Staying calm during a tantrum doesn’t mean caving to whatever triggered it. If the meltdown started because you said no to a third cookie, the answer can still be no. Calm and firm aren’t opposites.
The parents who navigate this well have learned to separate the limit from the emotion. They hold the boundary with quiet confidence while also making room for their child’s disappointment. “I know you really wanted another cookie. The answer is still no. I’m here with you while you’re upset about it.”
This approach, sometimes called holding space, allows the child to feel their feelings without the parent rescuing them from discomfort or abandoning them in it.
As parenting educator Janet Lansbury often emphasizes, children need to know that their big emotions won’t break us or change our minds. That consistency is actually reassuring, even when they’re protesting loudly against it.
5) They use fewer words, not more
When emotions are running high, our instinct is often to explain, reason, and talk our way through it. But remember what’s happening in your child’s brain during a tantrum: the thinking, language-processing parts are temporarily offline. Long explanations don’t land. They often make things worse.
Parents who stay calm tend to use short, simple phrases repeated gently. “I hear you.” “This is hard.” “I’m here.” That’s often enough. The goal isn’t to fix or teach in that moment. The goal is to help your child feel seen and safe enough to move through the emotion.
Save the conversations for later, when everyone’s nervous system has settled. That’s when you can talk about what happened, what they were feeling, and what they might try next time.
In the middle of the storm, less is almost always more. Your calm presence speaks louder than any lecture.
6) They remember that tantrums are temporary and necessary
It’s easy to catastrophize in the moment. To wonder if this behavior means something is wrong, if you’re failing somehow, if your child will still be doing this at fifteen.
But tantrums are a normal, healthy part of development. They’re how young children process frustration, disappointment, and the overwhelming bigness of a world they’re still learning to navigate.
Research from the Zero to Three organization confirms that tantrums peak between ages one and three, then gradually decrease as children develop more language and emotional regulation skills. This is the trajectory. It won’t last forever, even when it feels endless.
Parents who handle meltdowns calmly hold onto this longer view. They know that each tantrum is actually an opportunity for their child to practice moving through big feelings with a safe adult nearby.
Over time, with enough of these experiences, children internalize the calm their parents offer. They learn to regulate because they’ve been regulated with.
7) They give themselves grace when they don’t get it right
Here’s the truth: no one handles every tantrum perfectly. Not the calmest parent you know, not the parenting experts, not me. There will be moments when you lose your cool, raise your voice, or walk away when you wish you’d stayed. That’s part of being human.
What matters is what happens next. Can you repair? Can you come back to your child and say, “I got frustrated earlier, and I’m sorry I yelled. Let’s try again”?
These moments of rupture and repair are actually valuable. They teach children that relationships can bend without breaking, that mistakes don’t mean the end of connection.
The parents who seem to handle tantrums with grace aren’t perfect. They’ve just stopped expecting themselves to be. They know that calm is a practice, not a destination.
Some days you’ll nail it. Other days you’ll barely survive. Both are okay. What your child needs most is a parent who keeps showing up, keeps trying, and keeps offering connection even after the hard moments.
Closing thoughts
Tantrums are one of the most intense parts of early parenting. They push every button we have and ask us to be our calmest selves in moments when calm feels impossible.
But the good news is that handling them well isn’t about having some superhuman level of patience. It’s about shifting your perspective, regulating your own nervous system, and trusting that your steady presence is enough.
These seven principles have helped me more times than I can count, especially on the days when Milo is mid-meltdown over something I can’t even identify and Ellie is asking me seventeen questions at once. I don’t always get it right.
But I keep coming back to these ideas, and slowly, they’ve become second nature. They can for you too.
