When was the last time your adult child called just to chat?
If you’re sitting there trying to remember, you’re not alone. I hear this concern from parents all the time, and honestly, I’ve been there myself. There’s nothing quite like that sinking feeling when you realize the only time your phone rings is when they need something, or worse, when you’re always the one initiating contact.
The truth is, our adult children pulling away rarely happens overnight. It’s usually the result of subtle behaviors we might not even realize we’re doing. And before you start beating yourself up, let me tell you something: recognizing these patterns is the first step toward rebuilding that connection.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes with my two sons, now in their thirties with families of their own. Some of these behaviors I’m about to share? I was guilty of every single one. But here’s the good news: once you understand what might be pushing them away, you can start changing the dynamic.
1. You offer unsolicited advice constantly
Remember when your kids were little and you knew exactly what they needed? Well, that instinct doesn’t just disappear when they turn 18. But here’s what I learned the hard way: adult children don’t want or need our constant guidance.
My younger son finally told me point-blank that my “helpful suggestions” felt like constant criticism. Ouch. That stung, but he was right. Every conversation had become an opportunity for me to share my wisdom, whether he asked for it or not.
Think about it from their perspective. They’re trying to establish themselves as independent adults, and here we are, still telling them how to handle their boss, raise their kids, or manage their finances. No wonder they stop calling.
The solution? Wait to be asked. I know it’s hard, especially when you can see they’re about to make what you consider a mistake. But unless they specifically ask for your opinion, try asking questions instead. “How do you feel about that situation?” works so much better than “Here’s what you should do.”
2. You make every conversation about you
This one’s sneaky because we often don’t realize we’re doing it. Your daughter calls to tell you about her promotion, and somehow the conversation shifts to your work experiences from 20 years ago. Your son mentions he’s tired, and you launch into how exhausted you are.
I used to think I was relating to my kids by sharing similar experiences. Turns out, I was hijacking their moments. They’d call less and less, and when they did, conversations stayed surface level.
Now I’ve learned to bite my tongue and really listen. When they share something, I focus on their experience, their feelings, their story. There’s time for my stories later, but not when they’re trying to connect with me about their lives.
3. You guilt-trip them about not calling enough
“I haven’t heard from you in weeks.” “I guess you’re too busy for your old dad.” “Must be nice to have so much going on that you can’t pick up the phone.”
Sound familiar? I’ve said variations of all of these, and let me tell you, guilt is relationship poison. Every guilt trip makes them dread calling even more. Why would anyone want to call someone who’s just going to make them feel bad?
Instead of guilt, try vulnerability. “I miss talking with you” lands so much differently than “You never call.” One opens a door; the other slams it shut.
4. You haven’t acknowledged past mistakes
This was a game-changer for me. I spent years pushing my older son toward a career path that made perfect sense on paper but was completely wrong for him. For the longest time, I defended my position, insisted I was just looking out for his future.
It took me years to accept I’d been wrong, and even longer to actually tell him that. But when I finally apologized, specifically acknowledging how my pushiness must have felt to him, something shifted. That defensive wall he’d built started coming down.
Your adult children remember the times you hurt them, dismissed their feelings, or made decisions that affected them negatively. Pretending those things didn’t happen or staying defensive about them creates distance. A genuine apology for specific things you got wrong can open doors you didn’t even know were closed.
5. You treat them like they’re still children
Do you still remind them to wear a coat when it’s cold? Question their parenting decisions? Act surprised when they handle adult responsibilities competently?
Our kids grow up, but sometimes we forget to update our mental image of them. They’re CEOs, parents, homeowners, yet we’re still treating them like they might forget to eat if we don’t remind them.
This infantilizing behavior is exhausting for adult children. They’ve spent years proving themselves in the adult world, only to come home and be treated like teenagers. No wonder they limit contact.
6. You dismiss or minimize their struggles
When your adult child shares a problem, do you immediately jump to “Well, at least…” or “When I was your age…” or “You think that’s bad?”
We think we’re providing perspective, but what we’re really doing is invalidating their experiences. Their struggles are real to them, regardless of how they compare to ours or anyone else’s.
I’ve learned that when my sons share difficulties, they usually don’t want solutions or perspective. They want understanding. “That sounds really challenging” goes much further than “You’ll figure it out” or “It could be worse.”
7. You haven’t built an adult-to-adult relationship
This might be the toughest one to recognize. Are you still operating from the parent-child dynamic you established 30 years ago? Because that relationship model has an expiration date.
Building an adult relationship with your children means seeing them as peers in many ways. It means being genuinely curious about their thoughts and experiences. It means sharing your own vulnerabilities, not just your wisdom.
I discovered my sons actually enjoy talking with me more now that I ask questions about their lives, their work, their interests, instead of always steering conversations toward parental concerns. When did you last ask your adult child for their opinion on something you’re dealing with? When did you last learn something from them?
Closing thoughts
Changing these patterns isn’t easy. I still catch myself slipping into old habits, especially when I’m worried about my kids. But here’s what I’ve learned: the more I treat my sons like the capable adults they are, the more they choose to include me in their lives.
Your adult children’s distance isn’t necessarily permanent. Every interaction is a chance to do things differently. Start small. Pick one behavior to work on. Maybe it’s biting your tongue when you want to offer advice, or apologizing for something specific from the past.
The phone might not ring tomorrow, but these changes plant seeds for a healthier, closer relationship. And isn’t that worth trying for?
So here’s my question for you: which of these behaviors hits closest to home, and what’s one small step you could take this week to start changing it?
