There’s a moment that still makes my stomach twist when I think about it. Three years ago, my older son and I were barely speaking. We’d exchange pleasantries at family gatherings, sure, but the real conversations? The ones that matter? Those had dried up years before.
The worst part was knowing I’d played a major role in creating that distance. I’d pushed him toward a career path that made perfect sense on paper but was completely wrong for him. When he finally chose his own direction, I couldn’t let it go. Every conversation became a minefield of my disappointment and his defensiveness.
If you’re reading this, chances are you know that particular ache. The one where your adult child feels more like a polite stranger than the person you raised. Maybe they call less frequently, keep visits short, or share nothing beyond surface-level updates about their life.
But here’s what I’ve learned: the distance between you and your adult child isn’t always permanent. Sometimes, the right words at the right time can begin to bridge that gap. Today, I want to share eight phrases that helped me reconnect with both my sons when our relationships felt broken beyond repair.
1. “I was wrong about that”
This might be the hardest phrase on this list, but it’s also the most powerful. For years, I couldn’t admit I’d been wrong about pushing my son toward that “sensible” career. My pride kept whispering that parents know best, that experience counts for something.
But you know what? Sometimes we get it wrong. Really wrong. And our adult children need to hear us say it.
When I finally told my son, “I was wrong about pushing you into finance. You knew yourself better than I did,” the shift in his posture was immediate. His shoulders relaxed. His guard came down just a little.
Adult children aren’t looking for perfect parents. They’re looking for honest ones who can acknowledge their mistakes without making excuses or shifting blame.
2. “Tell me more about that”
My younger son once told me something that stung: “Dad, talking to you feels like getting constant criticism disguised as advice.”
Ouch. But he was right.
I’d fallen into the trap of treating every conversation as an opportunity to share my wisdom. He’d mention a problem at work, and I’d launch into solutions. He’d talk about a decision he was considering, and I’d immediately weigh in with my opinion.
Now, when either of my sons shares something with me, my default response is “Tell me more about that.” It shows interest without judgment. It invites them to open up without fear of unsolicited advice.
The irony? They actually ask for my input more often now that I’ve stopped forcing it on them.
3. “I’m proud of who you’ve become”
Not proud of what you’ve achieved. Not proud of your job title or your house or your kids’ report cards. Proud of who you are as a person.
This distinction matters more than you might think. Our adult children spent years trying to meet our expectations, and many of them still carry that weight. They need to know that our love and pride aren’t conditional on their accomplishments.
When I told my older son, “I’m proud of the thoughtful, determined person you’ve become,” he got quiet for a moment. Then he said, “I didn’t know you saw me that way.”
How many of our adult children are walking around not knowing we see them? Really see them?
4. “I don’t need to understand it to support you”
There’s a lot about my sons’ lives I don’t fully understand. Career choices that seem risky to me. Parenting decisions that differ from how I raised them. Lifestyle choices that wouldn’t have been mine.
But here’s what I’ve discovered: understanding isn’t a prerequisite for support.
When my younger son made a major life decision I couldn’t wrap my head around, I told him exactly that: “I don’t need to understand it to support you. If this is what you need to do, I’m behind you.”
That phrase opened doors between us that had been closed for years. It told him that my support wasn’t conditional on my comprehension or agreement.
5. “What do you need from me right now?”
As parents, we’re programmed to fix things. Our kids come to us with problems, and we jump into solution mode. But adult children often need something different from what they needed at seven or seventeen.
Sometimes they need a listener. Sometimes they need encouragement. Sometimes they need space. And sometimes, yes, they need advice.
But instead of guessing, I’ve learned to ask: “What do you need from me right now?”
This question has transformed my conversations with both sons. It puts them in the driver’s seat and shows respect for their autonomy while still offering support.
6. “I’m sorry for the specific ways I hurt you”
Generic apologies don’t cut it with adult children. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t a perfect parent” sounds like deflection. But specific apologies? Those can change everything.
I sat down with each of my sons separately and apologized for specific things. To my older son: “I’m sorry for making you feel like your career choice was a disappointment to me. That was wrong, and it hurt you.”
To my younger son: “I’m sorry for all those times I jumped in with advice when you just needed someone to listen.”
Specific apologies show that you’ve actually reflected on your actions and their impact. They demonstrate that you see the hurt you caused, not just some vague notion of imperfection.
7. “Your feelings about this are valid”
Our adult children have feelings about their childhood, about us, about family dynamics that might be uncomfortable for us to hear. The temptation is to defend ourselves, to explain, to say “That’s not how it was” or “You’re remembering it wrong.”
But their feelings are their feelings. Their experience is their experience.
When my son expressed anger about something from his teenage years, everything in me wanted to defend my actions. Instead, I said, “Your feelings about this are valid. That must have been really hard for you.”
Validating their feelings doesn’t mean agreeing with their interpretation of events. It means acknowledging their emotional reality.
8. “I love you, and I like you too”
Love between parent and child is assumed. It’s biological, societal, expected. But liking? That’s different. That’s a choice.
Telling your adult child “I love you, and I really like who you are as a person” hits differently than just “I love you.” It says you’d choose their company even if you weren’t related. It says you see them as more than just your offspring.
Closing thoughts
These eight phrases aren’t magic bullets. They won’t instantly heal years of distance or erase past hurts. But they’re starting points, small bridges across the gap that’s grown between you.
If you’re wondering whether it’s too late to reconnect with your adult child, let me tell you: it’s not. My older son and I talk weekly now, real conversations about real things. My younger son actually calls me for advice sometimes, because he knows I won’t force it on him when he doesn’t.
What phrase will you try first?
