You know what nobody tells you about parenting? The mistakes don’t stop haunting you just because your kids grow up and move out.
I spent decades thinking that once my boys were adults with their own families, the book would close on my parenting chapter.
But watching them become fathers themselves opened my eyes to something profound: The impact of our parenting choices echoes through generations, and sometimes those echoes aren’t as harmonious as we’d hoped.
The good news? It’s never too late to make things right.
Whether your kids are 25 or 55, there are concrete steps you can take to repair old wounds and build stronger relationships.
I’ve learned this firsthand, sometimes through painful conversations with my now-adult sons about where I went wrong.
Today, I want to share seven things that have worked for me and countless other parents who’ve decided it’s time to heal what’s been broken.
Some of these might sting a little to read, but trust me, the discomfort is worth it:
1) Start with a genuine, specific apology
Generic apologies like “I’m sorry if I wasn’t perfect” don’t cut it.
Your adult children remember specific moments that hurt them, and acknowledging those particular instances shows you’ve done the work to understand their perspective.
A few years ago, one of my sons told me how my constant criticism of his grades made him feel like nothing he did was ever good enough.
Did it hurt to hear? Absolutely, but I realized he was right.
I apologized specifically for making him feel that his worth was tied to his report card, not with a vague “sorry for any mistakes.”
The key is to avoid justifying your actions.
Don’t say “I’m sorry, but I was stressed from work,” just apologize, acknowledge the impact, and leave it at that.
Your adult child needs to hear that you understand how your actions affected them.
2) Listen without defending yourself
When your adult child starts telling you about the ways you hurt them, every instinct screams to explain yourself, to provide context, to defend your choices.
Don’t.
I remember sitting across from my younger son as he explained how my absence at his school events because of work made him feel unimportant.
My immediate thought was “But I was providing for the family!”
I bit my tongue.
This was about him finally feeling heard.
Create a safe space for these conversations.
Maybe it’s over coffee or during a walk but, wherever it happens, your job is to listen—truly listen—without interrupting or defending.
You had your chance to parent your way, now it’s their turn to tell you how it felt from their side.
3) Change your behavior, not just your words
Apologies mean nothing without changed behavior.
If you apologized for being overly critical but still comment on your adult child’s weight, career choices, or parenting style every time you see them, you haven’t really changed.
After those difficult conversations with my sons, I had to consciously work on changing my patterns.
Instead of immediately offering advice when they shared problems, I started asking, “Do you want my input, or do you just need me to listen?”
It felt unnatural at first, but it showed them I was serious about doing things differently.
Write down the specific behaviors you’re working to change, and check in with yourself regularly.
Old habits die hard, especially ones we’ve had for decades, but your adult children will notice and appreciate the effort.
4) Respect their boundaries
Your adult child might need space to process everything.
They might not want to talk every week, or they might set limits on what topics are open for discussion.
Respecting these boundaries, even when they hurt, is crucial for rebuilding trust.
I’ve seen parents push too hard for immediate reconciliation, only to drive their children further away.
Healing happens on their timeline,.
If they need six months before they’re ready to talk again, give them six months; if they don’t want to discuss certain topics, respect that.
Remember, boundaries are your child’s way of protecting themselves while figuring out how to have a healthy relationship with you.
5) Share your own struggles and humanity
This is about helping your adult children see you as a flawed human who was doing their best with limited tools.
Share what you were dealing with during their childhood, not as justification, but as context.
During one particularly raw conversation, I told my son about the pressure I felt as the sole provider, with the the fear of losing my job during the recession and the nights I couldn’t sleep worrying about paying for college.
It didn’t excuse my mistakes, but it helped him understand that I wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt him.
The goal is to move from a parent-child dynamic to an adult-to-adult relationship where both parties can see each other as complex humans.
6) Make new positive memories
You can’t erase the past, but you can create a better present and future.
Start building new, positive experiences with your adult children that aren’t weighed down by old patterns.
Maybe it’s starting a new tradition, like monthly lunches where work talk is off-limits, or learning about their hobbies and genuinely engaging with their interests.
For me, it was started taking walks with each son individually, no agenda, just time to connect without the old dynamics.
Don’t force it because these new experiences should feel natural and enjoyable for both of you.
The point is to show that your relationship can be different now, that it can be something you both value and look forward to.
7) Be patient with the process
Healing doesn’t happen overnight.
You might have one great conversation followed by three awkward dinners, or feel like you’re making progress only to hit a wall.
This is normal.
After thirty years in human resources, helping people work through conflicts, I learned that real change takes time.
Relationships that took decades to damage won’t heal in a few months.
Some wounds might never fully heal, and that’s okay too.
What matters is that you keep showing up, keep trying, keep demonstrating that you’re committed to being better.
Even small improvements matter, and tiny steps forward count.
Closing thoughts
If you’re reading this and thinking it’s too late to repair things with your adult children, I want you to know something: I’ve seen relationships transform that seemed completely beyond repair.
Starting these conversations takes courage.
Admitting our failures as parents goes against every protective instinct we have.
However, on the other side of that discomfort lies the possibility of a real, authentic relationship with the adults your children have become.
What’s one thing you could apologize for today that might open a door you thought was closed forever?
