You know what’s heartbreaking? Watching your parents love your kids so deeply while simultaneously unraveling everything you’ve been working toward. And the worst part? They genuinely think they’re helping.
I’ve been there. Just last week, my mom proudly told me she’d “fixed” Ellie’s picky eating by bribing her with candy for every bite of vegetables. Three months of patient food exposure therapy, gone in one afternoon.
But here’s the thing: She was beaming with pride, completely unaware that she’d just reinforced the exact behavior we’d been trying to eliminate.
If you’re dealing with well-meaning grandparents who keep derailing your parenting efforts, you’re not alone.
And if you’re brave enough to share this article with them (or maybe just leave it open on your laptop), know that these observations come from a place of love and understanding.
Because the truth is, most grandparents would be devastated to know they’re making our jobs harder.
1) Swooping in at the first sign of struggle
Remember when your toddler was learning to put on their shoes? You probably sat on your hands, biting your tongue while they struggled with those velcro straps for what felt like hours. You knew they needed to figure it out themselves.
Then grandma visits and immediately jumps in: “Oh sweetie, let me help you with that!”
Just like that, weeks of fostering independence vanish. Your child learns that if something’s hard, someone will rescue them. My mother-in-law does this constantly with puzzles, homework, even opening snack packages.
She means well, but every time she “helps,” my kids look for the easy way out instead of persevering.
What makes this especially frustrating is that we’ve specifically chosen activities to build their problem-solving skills.
When grandparents rush to assist, they’re not just helping with one task. They’re teaching our kids that struggle equals failure, when actually, struggle equals growth.
2) The screen time sabotage
We’ve worked so hard to create a low-screen household. Outdoor play, art projects, imaginative games. Then grandpa babysits and suddenly my kids know every YouTube channel known to humanity.
“But they were bored!” he’ll say, as if boredom isn’t exactly what sparks creativity.
Last month, we spent weeks establishing a new bedtime routine without screens. One weekend at grandma’s house, where tablets were freely distributed “to keep them quiet,” and we were back to meltdowns when screens went away.
The addiction cycle we’d carefully broken was instantly reinstated.
The really tough part? Grandparents often use screens because they physically can’t keep up with active play anymore. I get that.
But there are so many alternatives: Reading together, cooking projects, even just letting kids play independently while they supervise.
3) Undermining dietary choices with “treats”
“One cookie won’t hurt!” Famous last words from every grandparent ever.
Except it’s never one cookie, is it? It’s cookies, plus ice cream, plus stopping at the drive-through, plus sneaking candy when mom’s not looking. We’ve spent months teaching our kids to listen to their bodies, to enjoy whole foods, to understand that food is fuel.
Then one afternoon with grandma and they’re bouncing off walls from a sugar rush, followed by the inevitable crash and emotional meltdown.
What really gets me is when they say things like, “Your mom’s being mean not letting you have this.” Suddenly, I’m the bad guy for trying to keep my kids healthy, and they’re the fun grandparents who let them eat whatever they want.
This creates a dynamic where kids start hiding food or lying about what they’ve eaten.
4) Playing good cop to our necessary boundaries
Every parent knows the phrase: “But grandma lets me!”
When we set a boundary (bedtime at 7:30, no jumping on furniture, one episode then TV off), and grandparents consistently break it, we become the strict parents while they get to be the fun ones.
They don’t deal with the aftermath: the overtired tantrums, the broken lamp, the screen withdrawal.
My dad recently told my son, “Your parents are too strict about bedtime. When you stay with me, you can stay up as late as you want!” Can you imagine how that went over at our house? Weeks of bedtime battles because grandpa planted the seed that our rules were unfair.
5) Buying affection with endless gifts
Look, I understand the joy of spoiling grandchildren. But when every visit involves a new toy, every trip to the store means getting something, and “no” is never in their vocabulary, it creates entitled kids who expect material rewards for everything.
We’ve been teaching our children about gratitude, about earning special things, about the difference between wants and needs.
Then grandparents arrive with bags of presents for no reason, and suddenly our kids are asking “what did you bring me?” before even saying hello.
The message this sends? Love equals stuff. Visits are about receiving gifts rather than spending time together. And don’t get me started on the clutter.
We’re trying to maintain a simplified, intentional home environment, and suddenly we’re drowning in plastic toys that’ll be forgotten in a week.
6) Dismissing modern safety standards
“You survived without a car seat and you’re fine!” How many times have we all heard this?
Whether it’s car seats, sleep safety, food allergens, or sunscreen, many grandparents think modern safety guidelines are overprotective nonsense. They fed us honey as babies, put us to sleep on our stomachs, and let us roam the neighborhood unsupervised from age five.
But here’s what they’re missing: We know better now. When they ignore our safety rules (even seemingly small ones), they’re not just putting our kids at risk. They’re teaching our children that mom and dad’s rules are optional, negotiable, or silly.
7) Contradicting discipline in real time
Picture this: Your child hits their sibling. You calmly implement the consequence you’ve consistently used. Then grandma immediately scoops up the offender: “Oh, you didn’t mean it! Come give grandma a hug!”
Months of teaching accountability, emotional regulation, and consequences disappear in that moment. Your child learns that if they’re upset about a consequence, they can run to grandpa. If mom says no, maybe grandma will say yes.
This isn’t just about mixed messages. It’s about respect. When grandparents override our discipline in front of our children, they’re essentially saying our parenting doesn’t matter.
Our authority is undermined, and our kids learn to play adults against each other.
Final thoughts
Here’s what I want grandparents to understand: We’re not trying to keep you from your grandchildren. We’re not being controlling or overprotective or difficult. We’re trying to raise resilient, respectful, healthy kids in a world that’s very different from the one you raised us in.
Your love for our children is a gift. Your presence in their lives matters more than you know. But that love is most powerful when it supports rather than sabotages our parenting efforts.
Maybe you think we’re too strict, too careful, too “crunchy” or whatever term you want to use. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree with every choice we make.
But you do need to respect them. Because at the end of the day, we’re the ones dealing with the consequences, good or bad, of how these kids are raised.
Please, before you break that rule or sneak that treat or swoop in to save the day, pause. Ask yourself: Am I helping or hindering? Am I making my adult child’s job easier or harder? Am I showing respect for their parenting choices?
Because the truth is, we need you. Our kids need you. But we need you on our team, not working against us. And I promise, being the grandparent who respects boundaries doesn’t make you less fun. It makes you trustworthy.
And that means more time with grandkids, not less.
