Remember that moment when your teenager’s eyes glaze over mid-conversation? You know the one—where they’re physically sitting right there at the kitchen table, but mentally they’ve already left the building.
Their shoulders turn slightly away, their responses shrink to single syllables, and suddenly that wall you’ve been trying to break through feels ten feet higher.
I’ve been there more times than I care to admit, especially now that my little ones are growing and I’m watching friends navigate the teenage years with their kids. After spending seven years teaching kindergarten before having my daughter, I thought I understood communication with young people.
But here’s what nobody tells you: The phrases we think are helpful often push our teenagers further away.
We mean well. We really do. But sometimes our well-intentioned words become the very barriers we’re trying to overcome. And if you’re like most parents I know, you’ve probably used at least three of these conversation-killers just this week.
1) “When I was your age…”
Nothing makes a teenager tune out faster than this classic opener. The moment these words leave our mouths, we might as well be speaking ancient Greek. Your teen doesn’t care that you walked uphill both ways to school or that you managed without smartphones.
Their world is fundamentally different from the one we grew up in.
- What we think we’re doing: Sharing wisdom and perspective.
- What they hear: You don’t understand my reality at all.
Instead of leading with comparisons to your teenage years, try acknowledging their unique experience first. Something like “That sounds really challenging” opens doors rather than closing them.
2) “You’re being too sensitive”
This phrase haunts me from my own strict upbringing, and I catch myself wanting to say it sometimes when emotions run high in our house. But dismissing feelings never actually makes them go away—it just teaches kids to hide them better.
Your teenager’s emotions might seem outsized to you, but they’re very real to them. When we minimize their feelings, we’re essentially telling them their internal experience doesn’t matter. No wonder they stop sharing.
3) “Because I said so”
Power plays might work with toddlers (sometimes), but teenagers need actual reasons. They’re developing critical thinking skills and learning to question authority—which is actually healthy, even if it drives us up the wall.
Growing up, family dinners in my house were nightly events, but conversations stayed surface-level partly because questions were met with this phrase.
When teens hear “because I said so,” they don’t learn reasoning or decision-making. They learn that their curiosity and need for understanding don’t matter.
Try explaining your reasoning instead. Even a simple “I need you home by ten because I worry about drunk drivers being out later” goes much further than an arbitrary rule.
4) “You’ll understand when you’re older”
Talk about a conversation ender. This phrase basically translates to “I don’t think you’re capable of understanding right now,” which feels incredibly dismissive to a teenager who’s working hard to figure out their place in the world.
Most concepts can be explained in age-appropriate ways if we take the time. And if something truly is too complex? At least acknowledge their desire to understand rather than shutting them down.
5) “That’s not a real problem”
Whether it’s drama with friends, stress about social media, or anxiety about their appearance, teenage problems are real problems to them. When we rank their concerns as less valid than adult worries about mortgages or job security, we lose their trust.
I’ve learned through teaching emotional regulation that validation doesn’t mean agreement. You can acknowledge that something matters to your teen without thinking it’s earth-shattering.
My go-to response has become “tell me more” when either of my kids shares something that seems minor to me but major to them.
6) “You’re overreacting”
Similar to calling them too sensitive, this phrase invalidates their emotional response and suggests they can’t trust their own feelings. Teenagers are still learning emotional regulation—their brains literally aren’t fully developed yet.
Instead of judging their reaction, help them process it. “I can see you’re really upset about this” followed by “I’m listening” creates space for actual conversation rather than defensive shutdown.
7) “Stop being so dramatic”
Everything feels intense during adolescence because, neurologically speaking, it actually is more intense for them. Their emotional centers are highly active while their regulatory systems are still developing.
Calling them dramatic doesn’t help them learn to manage these big feelings—it just adds shame to an already overwhelming experience.
When you notice theatrical behavior, look underneath it. Usually there’s a real need or fear driving the drama. Address that instead of the presentation.
8) “I’m just trying to help”
We say this when we’re frustrated that our teen isn’t receiving our wisdom with open arms. But help that isn’t asked for often feels like criticism or control. This phrase usually comes out when we’re already in conflict, and it tends to escalate rather than soothe.
Before jumping in with solutions, ask if they want advice or just someone to listen. You’d be surprised how often they choose the latter.
9) “You have it so easy”
Comparing struggles across generations never goes well. Yes, we might have faced different challenges, but that doesn’t make theirs less real.
Social media pressure, academic competition, climate anxiety, school safety concerns—today’s teenagers face stressors we never imagined.
When we tell them they have it easy, we’re essentially saying their struggles don’t count. And once they believe we won’t take their problems seriously, why would they keep sharing them?
The path forward
These phrases slip out because we’re human, we’re tired, and we’re doing our best with the tools we have. But recognizing them is the first step toward better communication.
I’m still processing how my own strict upbringing affects my current parenting, and I catch myself wanting to use these phrases more often than I’d like to admit.
The teenagers in our lives need us to meet them where they are, not where we think they should be. They need validation before advice, understanding before solutions, and respect for their developing autonomy.
When we replace these conversation-killers with genuine curiosity and openness, something magical happens: They actually want to talk to us.
Next time you feel one of these phrases rising to your lips, pause. Take a breath. Choose connection over correction. Your teenager might not thank you immediately, but you’ll be building a bridge instead of a wall.
And those bridges? They’re what carry our relationships through the turbulent teenage years and into genuine adult friendship with our kids.
