The other day at the farmers’ market, I watched a little boy completely melt down when his mom said no to a second honey stick.
What struck me wasn’t his reaction (totally normal for a four-year-old), but how his mom handled it.
She immediately shushed him, told him he was embarrassing her, and dragged him away while hissing threats about never coming back.
My heart sank a little, remembering all the times I’ve seen similar scenes play out, and honestly?
The times I’ve been that overwhelmed parent too.
Here’s what keeps me up at night sometimes: Our kids are watching everything we do, absorbing how we handle conflict, emotions, and boundaries.
Without meaning to, we might be setting them up for some real struggles when it comes to forming healthy relationships later in life.
After seven years teaching kindergarten and now raising my own two little ones, I’ve noticed certain patterns that make me pause.
These are gentle observations about habits that might need a second look:
1) You’re constantly rescuing them from uncomfortable feelings
Remember when you were a kid and had to work through disappointment?
Maybe you didn’t make the team or your best friend chose someone else for a sleepover.
It stung, right? But, you survived it.
I get the urge to shield our kids from every hurt feeling.
When my five-year-old comes home crushed because someone wouldn’t play with her, my first instinct is to fix it, call the other parent, or distract her with something fun.
But here’s what I’ve learned: When we rush to eliminate every uncomfortable emotion, our kids never learn that feelings are temporary and manageable.
Instead of immediately swooping in with solutions or distractions, I’ve started saying things like “tell me more” or simply “I’m listening.”
Sometimes they just need to feel the feeling and know someone’s there with them through it.
Adults who can’t tolerate discomfort in relationships often struggle to work through normal conflicts or handle rejection.
2) Your love feels conditional based on their behavior
“Good girl!”
“You’re such a good helper!”
“Mommy’s so proud when you share!”
Sound familiar? I catch myself doing this all the time.
However, what message does this send? That they’re only worthy of love when they’re performing well.
Growing up, my mother made everything from scratch and kept our house spotless, but she was anxious about appearances.
I learned early that keeping things “perfect” meant keeping her happy, which meant feeling loved.
It took years to untangle that pattern in my adult relationships.
Now, I try to separate the behavior from the child.
“You worked really hard on cleaning up those blocks” instead of “you’re such a good boy for cleaning.”
It’s subtle, but kids who grow up feeling loved only when they’re “good” often become adults who can’t show vulnerability or admit mistakes in relationships.
3) You don’t model healthy conflict resolution
How do you handle disagreements with your partner in front of your kids? Do you shut down? Storm off? Pretend everything’s fine when it clearly isn’t?
My husband and I aren’t perfect at this, but we’ve learned to let our kids see us work through minor disagreements respectfully.
They watch us take breaks when we’re heated, come back to talk it through, and find compromises.
Kids who never see healthy conflict resolution either become conflict-avoidant adults who can’t address problems, or they explode at the first sign of disagreement because they never learned there’s a middle ground.
4) You solve all their social problems for them
When I was teaching, I’d watch parents negotiate playground disputes like tiny lawyers.
“She said she’d play with Emma first!”
“Well, he promised yesterday!”
But here’s the thing: Kids need to learn to navigate social situations themselves.
When we jump in to mediate every friendship hiccup, arrange every playdate, and manage every social interaction, we rob them of crucial relationship skills.
These days, when my daughter comes to me with friend drama, I ask questions instead of offering solutions.
“What do you think you could try?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“What would you like to happen next?”
Adults who never learned to navigate social challenges independently often struggle with workplace relationships, friendships, and romantic partnerships.
5) You discourage them from setting boundaries
“Give grandma a hug!”
“Share your special toy with your cousin!”
“Be nice!”
We mean well, but when we override our children’s comfort levels for the sake of politeness, we teach them their boundaries don’t matter.
This is huge, and it’s something I work on constantly.
My approach now? If my two-year-old doesn’t want to hug someone, he can wave or blow a kiss instead.
If my daughter doesn’t want to share her special lovey, that’s okay (she has other toys for sharing).
Teaching them their “no” matters now means they’ll be able to set healthy boundaries in adult relationships later.
6) You’re not taking care of your own emotional needs
This one hits close to home: After years of attachment parenting, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and babywearing, I realized I’d completely lost myself.
I was pouring from an empty cup and modeling for my kids that self-care doesn’t matter.
Children whose parents are constantly stressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally depleted learn that this is normal in relationships.
They might become adults who either burn themselves out trying to care for others or expect their partners to sacrifice everything for them.
Taking time for myself is showing my kids that healthy adults maintain their own identity and wellbeing within relationships.
7) You treat emotions as problems to fix rather than experiences to have
When your child cries, what’s your first instinct? Distract them? Tell them it’s okay? Promise something better?
I’ve learned (the hard way) that emotions are information.
When we rush to “fix” every negative emotion, our kids learn that certain feelings are unacceptable.
They might grow into adults who can’t tolerate their partner’s emotions or who hide their own feelings to avoid burdening others.
Now when big feelings arise in our house, we name them, sit with them, and let them pass naturally.
“You’re really frustrated that your tower fell down.”
“I can see you’re disappointed about leaving the park.”
No fixing needed, just acknowledgment and presence.
The bottom line
None of us are raising our kids in a vacuum, and we’re all influenced by how we were raised ourselves.
The patterns we create now become the templates our children use for future relationships.
The good news? Awareness is the first step.
Every time we catch ourselves falling into these patterns, we have a chance to choose differently.
Our kids need parents who are willing to grow alongside them.
Some days I nail it, while there are other days that I’m that overwhelmed mom at the farmers’ market.
But, each interaction is a new opportunity to model the kind of emotional intelligence and relationship skills we want our kids to carry into their futures.
What patterns have you noticed in your own parenting? Which of these resonates most with you?
We’re all figuring this out together, one messy, beautiful day at a time.
