Ever notice how your kids seem to know exactly which buttons to push? Last week, my five-year-old stood in the middle of the grocery store, arms crossed, declaring she would only eat pink foods from now on.
My two-year-old decided this was the perfect moment to empty an entire shelf of cereal boxes. Standing there, watching other parents give me that knowing look, I remembered something Carl Jung wrote about children being natural mirrors of our unconscious patterns.
Jung spent decades studying how children develop their sense of self, and his insights feel more relevant now than ever. He believed that raising self-aware kids meant examining our own unconscious behaviors first. The habits we inherited from our parents, the ones we swore we’d never repeat but somehow find ourselves doing anyway.
After seven years teaching kindergarten and now raising two little ones, I’ve seen how certain parenting approaches can either nurture or stifle a child’s natural self-awareness. Jung would probably have a field day watching modern parents navigate screen time battles and participation trophy debates.
But his core message remains simple: Children need space to discover who they are, not who we think they should be.
1) Dismissing their feelings as “just a phase”
Remember when everything felt like the end of the world? Your best friend didn’t share their snack, and suddenly life wasn’t worth living. Jung believed these intense emotions are crucial for developing emotional intelligence.
When my daughter melts down because her sandwich is cut wrong, my instinct is to say it doesn’t matter. But Jung would remind us that to her developing psyche, it absolutely does matter. These feelings are real data points she’s collecting about herself and the world.
Instead of brushing off their emotions, try acknowledging them. “You’re really upset about the sandwich. That must feel frustrating.” This simple validation helps kids learn to recognize and name their feelings, building the foundation for emotional self-awareness.
2) Solving all their problems for them
Jung wrote extensively about individuation, the process of becoming a complete person. This can’t happen if we’re constantly swooping in to fix everything.
Yesterday, my son spent twenty minutes trying to put his shoes on the wrong feet. Every fiber of my being wanted to help. But watching him puzzle it out, seeing that lightbulb moment when he figured it out himself, that’s where real learning happens.
Daniel Siegel talks about this too in his work on developing minds. Kids need to experience manageable struggles to build problem-solving neural pathways. When we rush in too quickly, we rob them of these crucial brain-building moments.
3) Pretending parents are perfect
Jung believed that children absorb our shadow selves, the parts we try to hide. Pretending we never make mistakes or feel angry creates confusion when kids sense these hidden emotions anyway.
I used to hide in the pantry to eat chocolate because I didn’t want my kids to see me stress-eating. Then I realized I was teaching them that difficult feelings should be hidden. Now I’ll say, “Mommy’s feeling overwhelmed, so I’m taking five minutes to calm down.”
This transparency helps kids understand that everyone has difficult moments and that there are healthy ways to handle them.
4) Using shame as a teaching tool
“What would people think?” might be one of the most damaging phrases in parenting. Jung understood that shame disconnects children from their authentic selves, forcing them to create false personas to gain approval.
Brené Brown’s research on shame aligns perfectly with Jung’s theories. When we use shame to control behavior, kids learn to hide parts of themselves rather than understand and integrate them.
Focus on the behavior, not the child. “Hitting hurts people” works better than “You’re being bad.” This keeps their sense of self intact while still addressing what needs to change.
5) Comparing them to others constantly
Jung believed each person has a unique path to psychological wholeness. Comparing children to siblings, cousins, or classmates derails this individual journey.
At the park last week, another mom mentioned how her two-year-old knows all his letters already. The old me would have rushed home to drill flashcards.
But Jung would ask: What unique gifts is my child developing instead? Maybe while that child learns letters, mine is developing incredible spatial intelligence through his fort-building obsession.
6) Ignoring their need for unstructured play
Jung saw play as the language of the unconscious mind. Through play, children process experiences and discover their preferences, fears, and strengths.
Our culture pushes structured activities from such a young age. Music class, sports, tutoring. But watching my kids play freely in the backyard, making up stories with sticks and rocks, I see them working through their experiences and emotions in ways no organized activity could provide.
7) Forcing adult timelines on children
Jung understood that psychological development can’t be rushed. Each stage of childhood serves a specific purpose in developing self-awareness.
When parents push kids to “act their age” or “be more mature,” we’re often asking them to skip crucial developmental stages. My daughter still needs her special blanket for comfort. Instead of pushing her to give it up because she’s five, I trust she’ll let it go when she’s ready.
8) Making all decisions for them
How can children develop self-awareness if they never get to make choices and experience consequences? Jung believed that even small decisions help children understand their own preferences and values.
Start small. Let them choose between two breakfast options or pick their clothes (even if stripes and polka dots don’t match). These tiny decisions build the muscle memory for bigger choices later.
9) Avoiding difficult conversations
Jung didn’t believe in protecting children from life’s realities. Age-appropriate honesty helps kids develop a realistic understanding of the world and their place in it.
When our neighbor’s dog died, I was tempted to say it went to a farm. Instead, we talked about death in simple terms. My daughter’s questions showed she was ready for this conversation, and avoiding it would have created more confusion than clarity.
10) Neglecting your own inner work
This might be Jung’s biggest message for parents: You can’t guide someone to self-awareness if you’re not doing your own work. Children unconsciously absorb our unresolved issues and unexamined patterns.
Since leaving teaching to focus on writing and raising my kids, I’ve had to confront my own perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. The more I understand my own patterns, the less likely I am to unconsciously pass them on.
The path forward
Jung’s wisdom reminds us that raising self-aware children starts with examining our own unconscious patterns. These outdated habits often come from good intentions, from wanting to protect and guide our kids. But true self-awareness can’t be taught through control or protection.
Watch your children play tomorrow. Notice when you feel the urge to intervene, correct, or direct. Ask yourself if your response helps them understand themselves better or just makes you feel more comfortable.
Our kids don’t need perfect parents. They need parents willing to examine their own shadows, acknowledge their mistakes, and create space for authentic self-discovery.
That messy, uncertain space where children can safely explore who they are, that’s where self-awareness blooms.
