Picture this: I’m at my parents’ house for Sunday dinner, and my dad is going on about how kids today are “too soft” while my mom keeps suggesting I should just let my toddler “cry it out” when he’s upset.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting there thinking about how differently I want to parent, how I want my kids to actually want to talk to me when they’re thirty.
That got me wondering about all those families where adult children genuinely seek their parents’ wisdom, not out of obligation, but because they actually value their input.
What are those parents doing differently?
After years of observing, teaching kindergarten, and now raising my own two little ones, I’ve noticed some patterns.
The parents whose adult kids call them for advice (not just on birthdays) seem to share certain habits that create what I call “soft influence”—the kind that draws people in rather than pushing them away.
1) They ask more than they tell
Remember being a teenager and having your parents lecture you about every little thing?
Yeah, that didn’t work then, and it definitely doesn’t work when your kids are adults.
The parents who maintain real influence have mastered the art of curiosity.
Instead of jumping straight to advice, they ask questions.
When their adult child shares a problem, they respond with “Tell me more” or “How are you feeling about that?” rather than immediately launching into solutions.
I learned this during my kindergarten teaching days.
Five-year-olds open up when you’re genuinely curious about their perspective.
Turns out, twenty-five-year-olds aren’t that different.
Now when my daughter comes to me upset about something, my first response is always “I’m listening.”
It’s amazing what kids will share when they don’t feel like you’re waiting to pounce with your opinion.
2) They admit when they don’t know something
Growing up, did your parents ever admit they were wrong? Mine rarely did.
There was this unspoken rule that parents had to have all the answers, had to be the authority on everything.
But the parents whose kids seek them out?
They’re comfortable saying “I don’t know” or “I never experienced that” or even “I messed that up when you were young.”
This vulnerability creates connection rather than distance.
Just last week, my daughter asked me why her friend’s parents don’t let her play in dirt.
Instead of pretending to understand their reasoning, I simply said, “Different families have different rules, and I don’t know all their reasons.
What matters is what works for our family.” She seemed satisfied with that honest answer.
3) They respect boundaries without taking it personally
This one’s huge.
Parents who maintain influence understand that their adult children’s boundaries aren’t rejection—they’re healthy development.
When adult kids say they need space, or they don’t want advice on a particular topic, influential parents respect that without drama.
No guilt trips, no passive-aggressive comments at family gatherings.
They trust that respecting boundaries actually strengthens the relationship long-term.
I’m already practicing this with my little ones.
When my daughter says she doesn’t want to talk about something, I honor that (unless it’s a safety issue, obviously).
Building this respect early means she’ll know she can set boundaries with me without losing my love or support.
4) They stay genuinely interested in their kids’ evolving lives
You know those parents who still see their forty-year-old as the kid who loved dinosaurs at age six?
They’re usually not the ones getting phone calls for advice.
Parents with lasting influence stay curious about who their children are becoming.
They ask about new interests, remember the names of friends and colleagues, and don’t constantly reference “how you used to be.”
Even now with young kids, I try to notice how they’re changing.
My son went from being obsessed with trucks to suddenly loving books about bugs.
Instead of pushing trucks on him because that’s “his thing,” I lean into his new interest.
This flexibility and attention to growth builds trust that I see them for who they are, not who I think they should be.
5) They share their own struggles appropriately
There’s a balance here that influential parents nail.
They’re not dumping all their problems on their kids, but they’re also not pretending life is perfect.
When adult children see their parents as real humans who’ve faced challenges and grown from them, it creates a different dynamic.
Suddenly, the parent becomes someone who might actually understand, not just someone dispensing wisdom from on high.
My own parents are slowly coming around to this.
My mom recently shared how she struggled with feeling isolated when we were young, and it completely changed our relationship.
Finally, she wasn’t just “mom who had it all together” but a person who understood difficulty.
6) They celebrate different choices
This might be the toughest one.
Parents with soft influence have learned to genuinely celebrate when their kids make different choices than they would have.
Career paths, parenting styles, lifestyle choices—influential parents find ways to be supportive even when the path diverges from their own.
They understand that different doesn’t mean wrong.
My parents initially called my approach “hippie parenting” (okay, they still do sometimes), but they’re slowly seeing how emotional openness and gentle boundaries work for our family.
The key is that I never made them feel bad about their choices; I just quietly did things my way.
Now they’re actually curious about some of our approaches.
7) They focus on connection over correction
When every interaction becomes a teaching moment or an opportunity to point out what could be better, adult kids start avoiding those calls.
Parents who maintain influence prioritize connection.
They can have a whole conversation without offering unsolicited advice.
They laugh together, share memories, discuss current events—basically, they relate as humans first, parent-child second.
This is something I’m working on even now.
When my daughter shows me her artwork, my first response is enthusiasm and curiosity, not suggestions for improvement.
When she wants to wear rain boots with her princess dress, I celebrate her creativity instead of correcting her fashion choices.
The soft influence legacy
Creating soft influence isn’t about being permissive or having no opinions.
It’s about building the kind of relationship where your perspective is valued because it’s offered with respect, curiosity, and genuine care for the other person’s autonomy.
As I navigate raising my own kids while creating a different family culture than the one I grew up in, I keep coming back to this: the goal isn’t to be needed, it’s to be wanted.
When we focus on connection, respect, and genuine interest in our children as individuals, we create relationships that last well beyond the years they live under our roof.
The parents whose adult kids seek their advice haven’t maintained influence through control or obligation.
They’ve earned it through years of showing up with curiosity, respect, and the humble recognition that their children are separate people with their own valid experiences.
That’s the art of soft influence—creating a relationship so nourishing that your kids choose to return to it, again and again, throughout their lives.
