Our earliest relationships shape us in ways we don’t always realize. The bond with our mothers, in particular, creates a blueprint that often follows us into every relationship we form later in life.
If you grew up with a complicated relationship with your mother—maybe she was emotionally unavailable, overly critical, or inconsistent with boundaries—you might notice certain patterns playing out in your adult relationships. And you’re not alone in this.
Research from attachment theory shows that our early caregiving experiences fundamentally shape how we connect with others throughout our lives. These patterns run deep, but recognizing them is the first step toward breaking free from cycles that no longer serve us.
Let’s explore eight behaviors that psychology tells us often show up in people who had complicated maternal relationships.
1) Constantly seeking validation
Ever find yourself fishing for compliments or needing constant reassurance from your partner? This might stem from never quite feeling “good enough” growing up.
When I first started dating my wife, she pointed out something I hadn’t noticed about myself. After every small decision—choosing a restaurant, picking a movie, even selecting groceries—I’d look to her for approval. “Is this okay? Are you sure you’re happy with this?”
It was exhausting for both of us.
People with complicated maternal relationships often develop what psychologists call an “external locus of evaluation.” Instead of trusting their own judgment, they constantly look to others to validate their choices and worth.
The need for validation can manifest as people-pleasing, difficulty making decisions independently, or feeling anxious when not receiving regular affirmation from loved ones.
2) Fear of abandonment
That knot in your stomach when your partner doesn’t text back immediately? The panic when they seem slightly distant? These reactions might be rooted in early experiences of emotional inconsistency.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, individuals with insecure maternal attachments often develop heightened sensitivity to rejection cues in adult relationships.
This fear can lead to clingy behavior, jealousy, or paradoxically, pushing people away before they can leave you. You might find yourself creating drama to test whether someone will stay, or interpreting neutral behaviors as signs of impending abandonment.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I explore how mindfulness can help us observe these fear patterns without being controlled by them.
3) Difficulty trusting others
Trust issues run deep when your earliest experiences of love came with strings attached, criticism, or unpredictability.
You might find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop in relationships, keeping one foot out the door, or building walls that even you don’t fully understand. Perhaps you test your partner’s loyalty through subtle (or not so subtle) challenges, or you struggle to believe compliments and expressions of love.
This hypervigilance is exhausting. You’re constantly scanning for threats, analyzing every word and gesture for hidden meanings or potential betrayals.
4) Perfectionism in relationships
Growing up feeling like you had to earn love through achievements or good behavior often translates into relationship perfectionism.
You might hold yourself to impossible standards, believing you need to be the perfect partner to deserve love. Or flip it around, you might expect perfection from others, becoming critical or disappointed when they inevitably fall short of your idealized expectations.
This perfectionism creates a pressure cooker environment where neither you nor your partner can simply be human. Mistakes become catastrophes. Small flaws become deal-breakers.
The irony? This quest for perfect love often prevents us from experiencing real, messy, beautiful human connection.
5) Emotional dysregulation
Do your emotions sometimes feel like a runaway train? One moment you’re fine, the next you’re overwhelmed by feelings that seem disproportionate to the situation?
Research from the American Psychological Association shows that inconsistent early caregiving can affect our ability to regulate emotions in adulthood.
You might experience intense mood swings in relationships, struggle to self-soothe when upset, or find yourself either shutting down completely or exploding when triggered. These reactions often surprise even you, leaving you wondering why you responded so strongly to something seemingly minor.
6) Boundary issues
Boundaries… we either build them like fortress walls or struggle to maintain them at all.
If your mother was overly involved in your life or emotionally enmeshed, you might struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in adult relationships. You might overshare too quickly, have difficulty saying no, or feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions.
On the flip side, if boundaries were repeatedly violated in childhood, you might now enforce rigid boundaries that keep even safe people at arm’s length.
Finding that sweet spot between connection and autonomy becomes a constant challenge. In my journey toward understanding Buddhism and mindfulness, I’ve learned that healthy boundaries aren’t walls—they’re more like gates that we can choose to open or close as needed.
My book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, delves deeper into this balance between protecting ourselves and remaining open to connection.
7) Repetition of familiar patterns
Here’s something wild: we often unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror our early experiences, even when those experiences were painful.
You might find yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, or repeatedly ending up in relationships where you feel criticized or not quite good enough. It’s not that you enjoy suffering—it’s that these dynamics feel familiar, and our brains often confuse familiar with safe.
Studies in relationship psychology confirm this tendency toward repetition compulsion in adult attachments.
Breaking these patterns requires conscious awareness and often, professional support to recognize and interrupt these deeply ingrained cycles.
8) Difficulty with intimacy
True intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability requires safety—something that might have been lacking in your earliest relationship.
You might find yourself keeping partners at arm’s length emotionally, even while craving deep connection. Perhaps you can handle physical intimacy but struggle with emotional closeness, or vice versa.
Sometimes this shows up as sabotaging relationships just as they’re getting serious, or maintaining a roster of surface-level connections rather than diving deep with one person.
The fear? That if someone really knows you—all of you—they’ll leave, just like it felt your mother’s love was conditional or inconsistent.
Final words
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming anyone or dwelling on the past. Our mothers did the best they could with what they had, often carrying their own unhealed wounds.
Understanding these behaviors is about awareness and choice. Once you see the patterns, you can start to interrupt them. You can choose different responses, seek support, and slowly rewrite the relationship script you’ve been following.
Healing takes time, patience, and often professional help. But every small step toward awareness is a victory. Every time you catch yourself in an old pattern and choose differently, you’re creating new neural pathways and new possibilities for connection.
Your past shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define your future relationships. You have the power to break the cycle and create the healthy, secure connections you deserve.
