You know that feeling when your mom calls and your stomach tightens just a little? Or when you’re driving to your parents’ house for Sunday dinner and you have to take a few deep breaths in the driveway?
I get it, I really do.
Loving your parents while not particularly enjoying their company is one of those complicated truths we rarely talk about.
It feels wrong somehow, like we’re ungrateful or broken, but here’s what I’ve learned after years of untangling my own childhood patterns: You can deeply love someone and still recognize that the dynamics between you aren’t healthy or enjoyable.
Growing up in my small Midwest town, family loyalty was everything as we ate dinner together every single night with my father coming home from his long work days just in time to sit at the head of the table.
We looked perfect from the outside, but those conversations never went deeper than homework and weather.
That emotional distance? It shaped everything about how I learned to relate to people.
If you find yourself loving your parents but struggling to actually like being around them, you might recognize these childhood dynamics that still echo through your adult life.
1) Conversations that never went below the surface
We talked every day in my house growing up: Grades, chores, and schedules.
But feelings? Dreams? Fears? Those stayed locked away.
When every interaction stays safely superficial, you learn that real connection is somehow dangerous.
You grow up knowing facts about your parents but not really knowing them as people, and they don’t really know you either.
2) Love that came with conditions
“We’re so proud of you for getting straight A’s!”
But what about when you didn’t?
Conditional love teaches you that you’re only worthy when you’re achieving, performing, or meeting expectations.
Even now, I catch myself people-pleasing, that old familiar panic rising when I think I’ve disappointed someone.
3) Feelings were inconvenient
Were you the “sensitive” one or the “dramatic” one?
Maybe you heard “You’re overreacting” or “Don’t be so emotional” more times than you can count.
When children’s emotions are treated as problems to solve rather than experiences to understand, we learn to stuff everything down.
No wonder so many of us struggle with emotional regulation as adults.
4) Boundaries were non-existent
Privacy? Personal space? Not in some households.
Whether it was reading your diary, going through your room, or demanding to know every detail of your life, the message was clear: You don’t get to have boundaries.
Now you might swing between having walls that are too high or letting people walk all over you.
Finding that healthy middle ground feels impossible when you never learned it was allowed.
5) The parentification of children
Maybe you were making dinner at ten years old, mediating your parents’ arguments, or being your mom’s emotional support system.
When kids have to be the adults, they miss out on actually being kids.
That weight doesn’t just disappear when you grow up.
6) Criticism disguised as help
“I’m only saying this because I love you.”
Sound familiar?
Constant criticism wrapped in concern teaches us that love hurts, and that people who care about you should point out your flaws.
It’s taken me years to realize that real love builds you up more than it tears you down.
7) Any achievement was everyone’s achievement
When your successes become about your parents’ pride rather than your own growth, you lose sight of what you actually want.
Are you living your life or the life they planned for you?
Sometimes it’s hard to tell where their dreams end and yours begin.
8) Emotions were weapons
Silent treatments, guilt trips, and dramatic sighs.
When emotions become tools for manipulation rather than genuine expression, you learn that feelings are dangerous things to be managed and controlled rather than experienced and shared.
9) Different rules for different days
Monday’s rules didn’t apply on Tuesday.
What was fine yesterday brought fury today.
Growing up with inconsistency means constantly walking on eggshells.
You become hypervigilant, always scanning for signs of which version of your parent you’re dealing with.
10) The other parent never stood up for their children
One parent was difficult, but the other just let it happen.
Their silence felt like agreement.
This taught you that even people who love you won’t necessarily protect you.
Staying quiet keeps the peace, even when the peace is hurting someone.
11) Comparisons were constant
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
“The neighbor’s kids would never act like this.”
Constant comparisons teach us we’re never quite good enough as we are.
There’s always someone doing it better, being better, deserving more love.
12) Apologies never came
Parents are human.
They mess up but, in some houses, admitting mistakes was seen as weakness.
When adults can’t apologize to children, it teaches us that power means never having to say you’re sorry and that being “right” matters more than relationships.
13) Interests were dismissed
That thing you loved?
It was silly, wasteful, or impractical.
Having your passions dismissed teaches you not to trust your own joy.
Even now, I sometimes catch myself minimizing things that make me happy, that old voice whispering they don’t really matter.
14) Family image mattered most
“What will people think?” guided more decisions than “What do you need?”
When appearances matter more than authenticity, you learn to perform rather than just be.
The exhaustion of maintaining that perfect facade follows you into every relationship.
15) Independence was threatening
Every step toward autonomy was met with resistance, guilt, or panic.
Healthy parents celebrate their children’s independence but, when your growth is seen as betrayal or abandonment, you learn that becoming yourself means hurting people you love.
16) Love and fear got tangled together
You loved them but were also scared of them: Their moods, their reactions, and their disappointment.
This confusing mix teaches us that love is supposed to be scary, and that anxiety is a normal part of caring about someone.
17) Joy was not equally celebrated
Your happiness was met with warnings, skepticism, or indifference.
When the people who should be your biggest cheerleaders can’t share your joy, you learn to dim your light.
Moreover, you learn to downplay good news and expect the worst even in wonderful moments.
Moving forward with complicated love
Our parents were probably doing their best with what they knew, carrying their own childhood wounds forward.
However, understanding these dynamics helps explain why Sunday dinners feel so draining, why phone calls leave you exhausted, and why you can love them deeply and still need boundaries, space, or even distance.
I’m working on creating something different with my own kids: More emotional openness and more genuine connection.
It’s not easy when you’re essentially teaching yourself a language you never learned growing up.
But every time my five-year-old tells me about her feelings without fear, or my two-year-old runs to me for comfort without hesitation, I know we’re breaking the cycle.
You’re allowed to love your parents and not like who they are, to honor what they gave you while grieving what they couldn’t, and to choose differently for yourself and your own family.
That complicated love? It’s real, it’s valid, and it’s more common than you might think.
