You know what keeps me up at night sometimes? Wondering if I messed up as a parent.
My boys are in their thirties now, both with families of their own, and they’re doing well by most standards. But every once in a while, I notice something in how they handle life that makes me question whether I gave them everything they needed growing up.
After three decades in human resources, helping people navigate workplace problems, I’ve learned to spot behavioral patterns pretty quickly.
And now that I’m watching my sons navigate adulthood, I can’t help but notice certain behaviors that make me wonder if other aging parents feel the same quiet worry I do.
The truth is, we all did our best with what we knew at the time. But looking back, there are moments where I wish I’d done things differently. If you’re an adult child reading this, please know that your parents probably carry these same worries.
And if you’re a parent yourself, well, maybe you’ll recognize some of these patterns too.
1) They struggle to make decisions without seeking approval
My younger son still calls me before making major purchases, changing jobs, or even choosing where to take his family on vacation. At first, I thought he valued my opinion. Then I realized he wasn’t really asking for advice; he was asking for permission.
When adult children constantly seek validation before making choices, it often means we didn’t give them enough opportunities to trust their own judgment growing up. Maybe we swooped in too often with “the right answer” or made it clear there was only one acceptable path.
I spent years pushing my older son toward a career that made perfect sense on paper. Good benefits, stable company, clear advancement path.
It took me far too long to accept that I’d been completely wrong about what would make him happy. The damage from that pressure still shows up in how he second-guesses himself professionally.
2) They avoid conflict at all costs
Have you ever noticed how some adults will do almost anything to avoid confrontation? They’ll accept unfair treatment at work, stay quiet when someone crosses their boundaries, or let resentment build rather than address issues directly.
This one hits close to home. Growing up, we kept the peace in our house. Arguments were shut down quickly, and “not making waves” was valued above honest expression.
Now I watch one of my sons struggle to stand up for himself, and I realize we never taught him that healthy conflict is normal and necessary.
3) They can’t accept compliments or celebrate their wins
- “Oh, it was nothing.”
- “Anyone could have done it.”
- “I just got lucky.”
Sound familiar? When adult children deflect praise or minimize their accomplishments, it might reflect how achievements were handled during their childhood.
Maybe nothing was ever quite good enough, or perhaps success was met with warnings about not getting too confident.
I’ve noticed this pattern in both my sons. They accomplish something significant, then immediately pivot to what they could have done better.
It makes me wonder how many times I responded to their childhood successes with “That’s great, but…” instead of just celebrating with them.
4) They struggle with setting boundaries
One of the most telling signs is when adult children can’t say no without feeling guilty. They overcommit, burn out, and sacrifice their own needs to keep everyone else happy.
As parents, we often praised selflessness and service to others, which are wonderful qualities. But if we never modeled healthy boundaries ourselves, or made our kids feel guilty for having their own needs, we might have created adults who don’t know how to protect their own wellbeing.
I learned this lesson the hard way when my younger son finally told me that my constant advice felt like criticism. He’d been tolerating it for years because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
That conversation opened my eyes to how much I’d been overstepping without realizing it.
5) They have difficulty expressing emotions authentically
Watch how some adults handle emotions. They might laugh off genuine hurt, intellectualize their feelings instead of experiencing them, or only express emotions when they reach a breaking point.
In my generation, especially for boys, showing emotion was often seen as weakness. “Toughen up” was standard parenting advice. Now I see my sons struggle to be vulnerable even with their own families, and I realize what that cost them.
The workplace problems I dealt with for thirty years often stemmed from people who never learned to express their needs or feelings constructively. It’s a pattern that starts early, and one I probably reinforced without meaning to.
6) They equate their worth with their productivity
Do you know someone who can’t relax, who feels guilty about taking time off, who always needs to be achieving something to feel valuable? This behavior often stems from childhoods where love felt conditional on performance.
Report cards, sports achievements, college acceptances. We celebrated these milestones enthusiastically. But did we show the same enthusiasm for who our kids were as people, separate from their accomplishments?
I catch myself doing this even now. When I talk to my sons, I ask about work projects and achievements before asking how they’re actually doing. Old habits die hard, but recognizing them is the first step.
7) They struggle to acknowledge their own needs
The most heartbreaking pattern is when adult children don’t even recognize their own needs as valid. They push through exhaustion, ignore their health, and put themselves last automatically.
This often reflects a childhood where their needs were consistently minimized or where they learned that having needs made them burdensome. “Don’t be selfish” might have been a common refrain, but taken too far, it creates adults who feel guilty for basic self-care.
Closing thoughts
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of reflection: Apologizing to your adult children for specific things you got wrong opens doors that staying defensive keeps closed.
I’ve had honest conversations with both my sons about my regrets and mistakes. Not fishing for reassurance that I was a good parent, but genuinely acknowledging where I fell short.
These conversations haven’t erased the past, but they’ve created space for healing and better relationships now.
If you recognize yourself in these behaviors, please know that awareness is powerful. You can still change these patterns. And if you’re a parent seeing these signs in your adult children, it’s never too late to have those difficult conversations.
We all carry the weight of our upbringing in different ways. But understanding where these behaviors come from gives us the power to choose differently.
What patterns do you recognize in yourself or your family?
