You know that sinking feeling when your grown child barely calls anymore? Or when family dinners feel forced and conversations stay surface-level? I’ve been watching this happen with friends lately, and it breaks my heart.
They’re realizing, sometimes decades too late, that certain things they did as parents created distance instead of closeness with their adult children.
The truth is, we all mess up as parents. But some mistakes cut deeper than others, leaving invisible wounds that don’t show up until our kids are grown and choosing whether to include us in their lives.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially as I watch my little ones grow and wonder what they’ll remember about their childhood.
1) Not apologizing when we were wrong
Remember those times you lost your temper over something small? Or made a decision that hurt your child but never acknowledged it? I catch myself doing this sometimes.
Just last week, I snapped at my daughter for spilling juice when I was stressed about something completely unrelated. The old me might have just moved on, but I stopped, knelt down, and apologized.
Adult children often carry memories of parents who could never admit fault. They remember feeling invalidated, like their hurt didn’t matter. When we model that adults can be wrong and say sorry, we teach our kids that relationships involve mutual respect, not hierarchy.
2) Dismissing their feelings as “phases”
“You’ll understand when you’re older.” How many of us heard that growing up? Whether it was about friendships, interests, or emotions, having our feelings brushed off as temporary or immature left marks.
I see parents doing this all the time at the playground. A child is genuinely upset about something, and the parent rolls their eyes, calling it drama. But to that child, those feelings are real and overwhelming.
When we consistently minimize what our kids experience, they learn not to share with us. Fast forward twenty years, and they’re adults who don’t tell us about their struggles because they expect to be dismissed.
3) Making everything about our own feelings
This one stings because I’ve caught myself doing it. Your child comes to you with a problem, and somehow the conversation becomes about how it affects you. “How could you do this to me?” or “Do you know how this makes me look?”
When our kids’ struggles become about our disappointment or embarrassment, they stop coming to us. They learn that protecting our feelings matters more than getting support for theirs. No wonder so many adult children keep their parents at arm’s length.
4) Comparing them to others constantly
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “The neighbor’s kid would never act this way.” We think we’re motivating them, but we’re actually telling them they’re not enough as they are.
These comparisons don’t disappear when kids grow up. They become that inner voice saying they’re never quite measuring up. Adult children often distance themselves from parents who made them feel like they were always falling short of some impossible standard.
5) Violating their privacy and trust
Reading diaries, going through phones, sharing their personal stories with relatives for a laugh. These might seem like small things, but they teach kids that their boundaries don’t matter.
I have a friend whose mother still shares embarrassing childhood stories at every gathering, despite being asked to stop. Guess who barely visits anymore? When we don’t respect our children’s privacy, even in small ways, we show them that our entertainment or curiosity matters more than their dignity.
6) Using guilt as a control tactic
“After everything I’ve done for you…” Sound familiar?
Guilt might get immediate results, but it builds resentment that lasts decades. Kids who grow up with guilt-wielding parents often become adults who feel obligated to maintain contact but never actually want to.
Real connection can’t be forced through guilt. It grows from genuine enjoyment of each other’s company. When we use guilt to control behavior, we might get compliance, but we lose authentic relationship.
7) Never showing vulnerability
Parents who never cry, never admit fear, never show struggle might think they’re being strong for their kids. But what children see is someone impossible to relate to, someone who couldn’t possibly understand their own struggles.
Recently, I let my kids see me cry when our elderly neighbor passed away. We talked about feeling sad and missing people we love. These moments of genuine emotion create connection. Adult children often feel closest to parents who were real people, not perfect robots.
8) Making love feel conditional
Good grades? Praise and affection. Bad behavior? Cold shoulder and withdrawal. When love feels like something that has to be earned, children grow into adults who never feel secure in relationships.
Watch how you respond to your kids’ failures versus successes. Do they get the same warmth and acceptance either way?
The children who grow up knowing they’re loved regardless of performance become adults who actually want to spend time with their parents.
9) Refusing to accept their adult choices
This might be the biggest relationship killer of all. Parents who can’t accept their adult child’s career, partner, lifestyle, or parenting choices often find themselves excluded from their lives.
I’m already practicing this with my young ones by letting them make age-appropriate choices and respecting them, even when I’d choose differently. If I can’t respect my toddler’s choice to wear rain boots on a sunny day, how will I respect bigger choices later?
10) Never evolving the relationship
Some parents never stop treating their 40-year-old like they’re still 14. They give unsolicited advice, make decisions for them, and wonder why their adult children seem distant.
Relationships need to grow and change. The parent-child dynamic that worked at five doesn’t work at 25. Adult children need parents who can shift from authority figures to supporters, from teachers to friends.
Moving forward with awareness
Looking at this list, I feel both sobered and hopeful. Sobered because I see myself in some of these patterns already, even with young kids. But hopeful because awareness is the first step to change.
Every night when I tuck my kids in, I remind myself that I’m not just raising children; I’m raising future adults who will choose whether to include me in their lives. The little moments matter. The apologies matter. The respect matters.
We can’t be perfect parents, and that’s okay. But we can be aware parents who course-correct when needed.
Because ultimately, the relationship we have with our adult children will be built on thousands of small moments where we either chose connection or control, respect or dominance, authenticity or performance.
What legacy are you creating today?
