I watched my granddaughter attempt to climb the big oak tree in our backyard last summer. She made it about three feet up before sliding back down, scraping her knee in the process.
What happened next mattered more than the climb itself. Her mother walked over calmly, acknowledged the scrape, and said, “That was a tough one. Want to try a different branch?”
No panic. No rushing to fix everything. Just steady presence and quiet confidence in her daughter’s ability to figure it out. Twenty minutes later, that little girl was sitting on a branch, beaming down at us like she’d conquered Everest.
Self-esteem isn’t something we can hand our children like a birthday gift. It grows slowly, shaped by thousands of small moments and the habits we practice as parents. After raising my own kids and now watching my grandchildren grow, I’ve noticed certain patterns that seem to make all the difference.
1) They let children struggle before stepping in
Our instinct as parents is to smooth every path and remove every obstacle. I get it. Watching your child struggle feels uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. But here’s what I’ve learned over the years: struggle is where confidence is born.
When we rush in to solve every problem, we send an unspoken message. We’re telling our children, “I don’t think you can handle this.” They absorb that message, even when we mean well.
Children who develop healthy self-esteem have parents who can tolerate their discomfort. These parents stay close enough to help if truly needed, but far enough back to let their kids discover their own capabilities. It’s a delicate balance, and it takes practice.
Think about the last time your child faced a challenge. Did you give them space to work through it? Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is our patient presence while they figure things out on their own.
2) They separate the behavior from the child
There’s a world of difference between “You’re being so difficult” and “That behavior isn’t okay.” One attacks the child’s identity. The other addresses the action while keeping their sense of self intact.
I’ll admit I didn’t always get this right when my kids were young. In moments of frustration, words would slip out that I wished I could take back. But I learned, slowly, that how we frame our corrections matters enormously.
Children are constantly forming their self-concept based on what they hear from us. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that children internalize the messages they receive from caregivers, and these messages become the foundation for how they view themselves.
When we criticize behavior rather than character, we give our children room to grow. They learn that making mistakes doesn’t make them a mistake. That’s a crucial distinction that follows them throughout life.
3) They offer specific praise instead of generic compliments
“Good job” rolls off the tongue so easily. We say it dozens of times a day without thinking. But generic praise, while well-intentioned, doesn’t do much for building genuine self-esteem.
What works better? Noticing the specifics. “I saw how you kept trying different ways to solve that puzzle” tells a child exactly what they did well. It shows them you were paying attention, and it highlights the effort rather than just the outcome.
As I covered in a previous post, this kind of praise builds what psychologists call intrinsic motivation. Children start to value the process of learning and trying, not just the end result. They become less dependent on external validation because they’ve developed an internal sense of their own competence.
Next time you’re about to say “good job,” pause for a moment. What specifically did your child do that impressed you? Tell them that instead.
4) They model healthy self-talk
Children are always watching us. Always. They notice how we talk about ourselves, how we handle our own mistakes, and how we respond to setbacks.
If we constantly criticize our own appearance, abilities, or decisions, our children learn that self-criticism is normal. They adopt our patterns of thinking without us ever directly teaching them.
I remember catching myself muttering “stupid” under my breath after making a minor mistake in the kitchen. My grandson looked up at me with wide eyes. That moment taught me more about parenting than any book ever could.
Parents who raise confident children tend to model self-compassion. They say things like, “Well, that didn’t work out, but I’ll try again” or “I’m still learning this.” They show their children that imperfection is part of being human, not something to be ashamed of.
5) They give children real responsibilities
There’s something powerful about being needed. When children have genuine responsibilities, not just token chores, but tasks that actually matter to the family, they develop a sense of competence and belonging.
I’ve seen this with my own grandchildren. When they help prepare meals, set the table, or care for the family pet, they stand a little taller. They’re contributing members of the household, not just passive recipients of care.
Dr. Marty Rossmann’s research at the University of Minnesota found that children who had regular household responsibilities from an early age were more likely to become well-adjusted adults with strong relationships and career success.
The key is matching responsibilities to your child’s developmental stage. A three-year-old can help sort laundry. A ten-year-old can plan and prepare a simple meal. When we trust our children with real tasks, we communicate that we believe in their abilities.
6) They allow children to make age-appropriate choices
Control is comfortable for parents. We know what’s best, after all. But children who never get to make decisions don’t learn to trust their own judgment.
Parents who build self-esteem offer choices within boundaries. “Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one?” gives a toddler agency without overwhelming them. “How would you like to spend your Saturday afternoon?” gives a teenager practice in decision-making.
These small choices add up over time. Children learn that their preferences matter, that they’re capable of making decisions, and that their voice counts in the family.
Of course, this doesn’t mean children get to decide everything. Boundaries are essential. But within those boundaries, there’s usually room for choice. Finding that balance helps children develop both security and autonomy.
7) They validate emotions without trying to fix them
When a child is upset, our first instinct is often to make the feeling go away. We offer solutions, distractions, or reassurances that everything will be fine. But sometimes, what children need most is simply to be heard.
“You seem really frustrated right now” is a powerful statement. It tells a child that their emotions are valid, that they’re not overreacting, and that you’re paying attention to their inner world.
As noted by Dr. John Gottman, whose research on emotional intelligence has influenced parenting approaches worldwide, children who have their emotions validated develop better emotional regulation skills and stronger self-esteem. They learn that feelings aren’t dangerous or shameful.
This doesn’t mean we let children act out however they want. We can validate the emotion while still setting limits on behavior. “I understand you’re angry, and it’s not okay to hit your sister” acknowledges the feeling while maintaining the boundary.
8) They celebrate effort and progress, not just achievement
We live in a results-oriented world. Grades, trophies, and accomplishments get celebrated. But focusing only on outcomes can actually undermine self-esteem, especially when children inevitably face setbacks.
Children with healthy self-esteem have parents who notice the journey, not just the destination. They comment on improvement, persistence, and hard work. They help their children see that growth is valuable, even when it doesn’t lead to a gold star.
I think about my grandson learning to ride a bike. He fell dozens of times. Each time, we talked about what he was learning, what he was doing differently, how much further he’d gone than the day before. By the time he finally rode on his own, the victory felt earned. He knew exactly what it had taken to get there.
This approach builds resilience. Children learn that setbacks are part of the process, not evidence of failure. They develop what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “growth mindset,” the belief that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work.
9) They show unconditional love, especially during difficult moments
This one might seem obvious, but it’s worth stating clearly. Children need to know that our love isn’t contingent on their behavior, their grades, their achievements, or their compliance.
The moments when children are most difficult are often the moments when they most need reassurance that they’re loved. A child having a meltdown in the grocery store needs to know that your frustration with the behavior doesn’t diminish your love for them as a person.
This is hard. I won’t pretend otherwise. When we’re exhausted and our patience is thin, communicating unconditional love takes real effort. But it matters more than almost anything else we do as parents.
Children who grow up secure in their parents’ love have a foundation that supports them through all of life’s challenges. They take healthy risks because they know that failure won’t cost them their place in the family. They develop authentic self-esteem because their worth isn’t tied to performance.
The long view
Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. These habits don’t produce instant results. They work slowly, over years, shaping how our children see themselves and their place in the world.
Some days you’ll get it right. Other days you’ll fall short. That’s okay. What matters is the overall pattern, the general direction you’re heading.
I look at my adult children now and see the cumulative effect of thousands of small moments. Not perfection, certainly. But a foundation of self-worth that helps them navigate life’s ups and downs with resilience.
Which of these habits comes naturally to you? And which one might need a little more attention? Sometimes the smallest shift in how we show up for our children can make the biggest difference in how they learn to show up for themselves.
