There’s a particular kind of silence that settles over a house when a teenager is struggling. You feel it before you can name it.
Something shifts in the air, in the rhythm of your days together, and you find yourself wondering if you’re imagining things or if something is genuinely wrong.
Here’s what I’ve learned after raising my own children and now watching my grandchildren navigate these turbulent years: teenagers are remarkably skilled at hiding their pain. They’ve mastered the art of the one-word answer, the closed bedroom door, the earbuds that signal “do not disturb.”
But underneath that carefully constructed armor, they’re often desperate for someone to notice. The trick is learning to read between the lines, to see what they’re showing us even when they can’t find the words to say it.
1) Their sleep patterns have gone haywire
Teenagers and odd sleep schedules go hand in hand. We expect them to stay up too late and struggle to wake up for school. But there’s a difference between typical teenage sleep habits and something more concerning.
Watch for extremes. A teen who suddenly can’t fall asleep until 3 a.m. every night, or one who retreats to bed at 7 p.m. and sleeps for twelve hours straight, might be signaling distress. The Sleep Foundation notes that disrupted sleep in adolescents is closely linked to depression and anxiety, often appearing before other symptoms become obvious.
I remember my daughter going through a spell where she’d wander the house at midnight, claiming she just couldn’t shut her brain off. At first, I chalked it up to exam stress. It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize she was wrestling with something much bigger than chemistry homework.
2) Their friendships have quietly disappeared
Teenagers are tribal creatures. Their social connections matter enormously to them, even when they pretend otherwise. So when a teen starts pulling away from friends they’ve had for years, pay attention.
This doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle. The phone stops buzzing with group chat notifications. Weekend plans dry up. Names that used to pepper every conversation simply vanish.
Ask yourself: when was the last time your teen mentioned a friend by name? When did someone last come over or call? Social withdrawal is one of the earliest warning signs that something is off, and it often precedes more visible symptoms. Your teen might not tell you they’re feeling isolated, but their empty social calendar will.
3) They’ve lost interest in things they used to love
Every teenager goes through phases. They pick up hobbies, drop them, find new ones. That’s normal. What isn’t normal is when everything loses its appeal at once.
The guitar that used to be played every evening now gathers dust. The sports equipment sits untouched in the garage. Video games, art projects, books, all abandoned. When a teen stops caring about the things that once brought them joy, it’s worth a gentle inquiry.
This loss of interest, what psychologists call anhedonia, is a hallmark of depression. It’s the brain’s way of dimming all the lights at once. Your teen might shrug and say they’re “just bored” or “over it,” but persistent disinterest in previously loved activities deserves your attention.
4) Their grades have taken an unexplained dive
I’ve mentioned this before, but academic performance is often the canary in the coal mine. A sudden drop in grades, especially in a student who’s typically been consistent, rarely happens in a vacuum.
Now, I’m not talking about one bad test or a tough semester in a challenging subject. I mean a noticeable, sustained decline that doesn’t match their usual pattern. Missing assignments. Forgotten projects. Teachers reaching out with concerns.
Struggling teens often can’t concentrate. Their working memory suffers. The mental energy required just to get through the day leaves nothing left for homework or studying. If your teen’s report card has taken a nosedive and they can’t explain why, the answer might not be academic at all.
5) They’re suddenly irritable about everything
Teenagers can be moody. We all know this. But there’s garden-variety teenage moodiness, and then there’s something else entirely.
When a teen snaps at every comment, explodes over minor inconveniences, or seems perpetually on edge, they might be struggling with emotions they can’t name or control. The National Institute of Mental Health points out that in adolescents, depression often manifests as irritability rather than sadness.
This is tricky because it’s easy to respond to anger with anger. Easy to write off their outbursts as disrespect or bad attitude. But sometimes that hostility is a mask for pain they don’t know how to express. The next time your teen bites your head off for asking about their day, take a breath. There might be more going on beneath the surface.
6) Their eating habits have changed dramatically
Food is complicated for teenagers. Their bodies are changing, peer pressure is intense, and they’re developing their own relationships with eating. But significant changes in appetite or eating patterns can signal emotional distress.
Some teens stop eating when they’re struggling. Meals get skipped, portions shrink, food gets pushed around the plate. Others go the opposite direction, turning to food for comfort, eating in secret, or bingeing late at night.
Neither extreme is healthy, and both deserve gentle attention. Don’t make it about weight or appearance. Instead, approach it from a place of care about their overall wellbeing. A simple “I’ve noticed you haven’t been eating much lately. Everything okay?” opens a door without sounding accusatory.
7) They’ve become secretive about their phone or online activity
Every teenager wants privacy. That’s developmentally appropriate and healthy. But there’s a difference between normal privacy and alarming secrecy.
If your teen suddenly panics when you walk into the room, angles their screen away constantly, or has started using apps you’ve never heard of, it might be worth paying closer attention. This doesn’t mean invading their privacy or demanding to read every message. It means staying curious and connected.
Online spaces can be both a refuge and a danger zone for struggling teens. They might be seeking support in healthy communities, or they might be engaging with content that reinforces negative thoughts. Keep the lines of communication open. Let them know you’re interested in their digital life without being intrusive.
8) They’re complaining about physical symptoms with no clear cause
Headaches. Stomachaches. Fatigue. Mysterious aches and pains that don’t seem to have any medical explanation.
Teenagers aren’t always equipped to recognize or articulate emotional distress. So their bodies do the talking for them. Chronic physical complaints, especially ones that conveniently appear before school or social events, often have psychological roots.
This doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real. It absolutely is.
Emotional suffering manifests physically in very tangible ways. If your teen has been to the doctor multiple times with vague symptoms that never quite get diagnosed, consider whether anxiety or depression might be the underlying cause. A conversation with their pediatrician about the mind-body connection could be illuminating.
9) They’ve started talking about themselves in negative terms
Listen carefully to how your teenager talks about themselves. The words they use matter more than you might think.
“I’m so stupid.” “Nobody likes me.” “I can’t do anything right.” “What’s the point?” These phrases, especially when they become frequent, reveal how your teen sees themselves. And a persistently negative self-image is a red flag.
As noted by the Child Mind Institute, negative self-talk in teenagers often indicates underlying depression or anxiety. Don’t dismiss these comments as fishing for compliments or being dramatic. Take them seriously.
Reflect back what you’re hearing: “You’ve been pretty hard on yourself lately. That worries me a little.”
10) Your gut is telling you something is wrong
This last one isn’t scientific, but it might be the most important. You know your child. You’ve watched them grow from infancy, learned their rhythms, their tells, their quirks. And sometimes, you just sense that something is off.
Trust that instinct. Parents often pick up on subtle shifts before they can articulate what’s changed. Maybe it’s something in their eyes, a flatness that wasn’t there before. Maybe it’s the way they hug you, or don’t. Maybe it’s nothing you can point to specifically, just a feeling in your chest.
Don’t ignore it. Don’t talk yourself out of it because you can’t prove anything is wrong. Your intuition has been honed over years of loving this person. It deserves respect.
What to do when you see these signs
Recognizing that your teen might be struggling is the first step. The next step is approaching them with care.
Don’t ambush them with a list of everything you’ve noticed. Don’t demand explanations or issue ultimatums. Instead, create space for conversation. Car rides are wonderful for this because there’s no eye contact required. So are walks, or late-night kitchen encounters when everyone else is asleep.
Say something simple: “I’ve noticed you seem a bit off lately. I’m here if you want to talk, no pressure.” Then actually mean it. No pressure. Let them come to you in their own time, while making it clear the door is always open.
And if the signs persist or worsen, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A good therapist can be transformative for a struggling teen. There’s no shame in calling in reinforcements.
Parenting teenagers requires us to hold two truths at once: they need independence, and they still need us. They push us away, and they desperately want us to stay close. Our job is to keep showing up, keep paying attention, and keep letting them know that no matter what, they’re not alone.
What signs have you noticed in your own teen that made you pause and pay closer attention?
