Last week, Ellie asked me why I never said sorry after I snapped at her for spilling paint on the carpet. That question stopped me cold. I realized I’d been doing exactly what my own parents did: Acting like apologizing to my kids would somehow undermine my authority.
But here’s what I’ve learned through both research and watching my little ones navigate their emotions: When we don’t model apologies, we’re actually creating deep emotional wounds that can follow our children well into adulthood.
Psychology research consistently shows that children of parents who rarely apologize often struggle with specific emotional challenges. And trust me, once you see this list, you’ll understand why that simple “I’m sorry” matters more than we might think.
1) They struggle to admit their own mistakes
Have you ever noticed how some adults will do absolutely anything to avoid saying they were wrong? That often starts in childhood.
When kids never see their parents take responsibility for mistakes, they learn that admitting fault is somehow shameful or weak.
I watched this play out at the playground yesterday. A mom accidentally knocked over her son’s sand castle, then immediately blamed it on the wind.
Her son’s face said everything. If we can’t model owning our mistakes, how can we expect our children to develop that skill?
Kids who grow up without apology models often become adults who deflect, blame others, or simply shut down when confronted with their errors. They miss out on the growth that comes from acknowledging mistakes and learning from them.
2) They develop perfectionist tendencies
When parents never apologize, children often internalize the message that mistakes are unacceptable. After all, if Mom and Dad never mess up (or at least never admit it), then surely making mistakes must be terrible, right?
This creates kids who are terrified of failure. They might avoid trying new things, procrastinate on important tasks, or become anxious overachievers.
The pressure to be perfect becomes overwhelming because they’ve never seen that even authority figures can be imperfect and still be worthy of love and respect.
3) They have difficulty with emotional vulnerability
Apologizing requires vulnerability. It means dropping our guard and admitting we’re human. When children never witness this from their parents, they learn to keep their emotional walls up at all times.
These kids often grow into adults who struggle with intimacy. They might have surface-level friendships, difficulty maintaining romantic relationships, or feel disconnected from their own emotions.
Opening up feels dangerous because they never learned it was safe to be vulnerable with the people who were supposed to love them most.
4) They carry excessive guilt and shame
This one might seem counterintuitive, but stick with me. When parents don’t apologize, children often blame themselves for conflicts or tension in the home. “If Dad’s upset, it must be my fault” becomes their default thinking.
Without hearing “I’m sorry I yelled, I was stressed about work,” kids internalize the belief that they’re the problem.
This creates adults who apologize constantly for things that aren’t their fault, who feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions, and who carry shame like a heavy backpack they can never quite put down.
5) They struggle to set healthy boundaries
Can you set boundaries with someone who never acknowledges wrongdoing? It’s nearly impossible. Children learn that their feelings don’t matter enough to warrant an apology, so they stop expecting respect from others.
These kids often become adults who let others walk all over them. They accept poor treatment in relationships, struggle to say no at work, and have difficulty recognizing when they’re being mistreated.
After all, they never learned that they deserve apologies when someone hurts them.
6) They develop trust issues
When a parent hurts a child’s feelings and doesn’t acknowledge it, the child learns that even the people who love them won’t validate their experiences. This creates a fundamental crack in their ability to trust others.
I see this in how some of my friends interact with their partners. They’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, unable to fully believe in the security of their relationships.
If your own parents couldn’t acknowledge hurting you, how can you trust that anyone else will treat you better?
7) They have trouble regulating emotions
Apologies help repair emotional ruptures. They’re like a reset button that helps everyone calm down and reconnect. Without this repair process, children stay stuck in fight-or-flight mode, never learning how to move through difficult emotions.
These children often become adults with anger issues, anxiety, or emotional numbness. They never learned the cycle of conflict, repair, and reconnection that helps us regulate our emotional responses.
8) They struggle with conflict resolution
How do you resolve conflict if you can’t acknowledge your part in it? Children who never see apologies modeled often become adults who either avoid conflict entirely or approach it like a battle to be won.
They miss out on learning that conflict can actually strengthen relationships when handled well. That disagreements don’t have to end in winners and losers.
That saying sorry doesn’t mean you’ve lost; it means you value the relationship more than your ego.
9) They develop a harsh inner critic
When parents don’t apologize, they model an impossible standard of never being wrong. Children internalize this as their own inner voice, constantly criticizing themselves for any perceived failure.
This inner critic becomes relentless in adulthood. Nothing is ever good enough. Every mistake is catastrophic. Self-compassion feels impossible because they never witnessed their parents extending compassion to themselves through apology.
10) They have difficulty accepting apologies from others
If you’ve never received genuine apologies, you don’t know what to do with them. These children often become adults who brush off apologies, minimize their own hurt, or feel deeply uncomfortable when someone tries to make amends.
This robs them of the healing that comes from genuine repair. Relationships stay fractured because they don’t know how to accept the olive branch when it’s offered.
The path forward
Reading this list might feel heavy, especially if you recognize your own childhood or parenting patterns. But here’s the beautiful thing about apologies: It’s never too late to start.
Just this morning, I apologized to Milo for being impatient when he was taking forever to put on his shoes. His little face lit up, and he gave me the biggest hug. That moment of connection was worth so much more than maintaining some false sense of parental perfection.
Start small. Apologize for the little things. Model what it looks like to take responsibility. Show your kids that strong people say sorry, that love includes accountability, and that everyone deserves respect, regardless of age.
Your children are watching, learning, and internalizing everything. Give them the gift of seeing that even parents are beautifully, wonderfully human. Trust me, those three little words, “I am sorry,” might just be the most powerful parenting tool you have.
